Staffing The Manor. Part 1

  In this two part series, I will impart all you need to know to staff your home. An efficient, loyal and well scrubbbed staff is the warp and the woof of gracious living.  And the proper butler is the foundation upon which your gracious home is built.
    "Smoothstar" you may ask, "What makes a proper butler?"  I like a cadaverous visage that belies a keen intelligence and  vicious temperament. He or she (butlering is not just for men) must be able  to run your staff like a marine drill sargent, but serve you like a samurai. I demand loyalty above all else and so should you. The butler sets the tone.What do you know about engaging a maid or a cook,a gardener or a chaufer? That's right,nothing. That's your butler's job.
        Tomorrow, we'll  flesh it out.

Peasants? I think not.

    Some of my readers, like myself live in the toniest suburb of the capital city of the greatest state in the greatest country in the world. The rest of my gentle readers I assume live in a situation at least civilized enough that you have access to a computer, as well as a warm place to sleep during the day , your public libraries. The exception being my one friend, "The Delinquent" to whom I broadcast directly into the fillings in his teeth. We are not brutes, nor are we anyone's peasants. We walk upright .We have clawed our way to the top of the food chain baby, above the Siberian Tiger and The Great White Shark. As I have said , if you have a job ,well god bless you, but that does not mean you have to go and do that job every day. You can, if you want to, but you can also by artiface ,deception, duplicity,  any other fancy ass word for makin' stuff up, take the day and play that uke , look out that window. Some days other stuff just plain needs doin' and the world might just have to wait a day.
        I've been known to say, "Raise your rate and make 'em wait"

The gardening season is upon us.

    My  little dog was loose in todays's blizzard and faced down a town snow plow truck, refusing to let it pass. It looked kinda funny and made me wonder what I'd plant in my garden this coming spring. If it wsn't for the certain woodchuck-Chuckzilla, I would be steaming up collards this very afternoon. I digress.
  Here's my gardening tips for today. On St Patricks day plant your peas and mesculum. No, that's not mescaline. Try growing that in the basement and let me know how that works out for you. On trout season opener,that's April first, shave your beard and plant your radishes. The beard scares the fish and the radishes won't be woody if you get them in early.

Cramps. Not just for chicks anymore.

    If you suffer from cramps, wether it is foot and calf cramps in the night or  them big ol thigh jobs you might get from too much skiing when you are a whining, crybaby, carcass trying to relive the glory of your youth, but end up half way down Windham mountain, crying out in pain as your supposed friends laugh at you. All types of cramps can  and do happen to anyone, man or woman , young or old , so laugh now you heartless bastards, your day will come when the ski boot is on the other foot , and it's you  going ,"Ooo ,Ooo it hurts so bad ,I'm done." Granted a person might talk a pretty good game  with the old , "I never go home early"  and stuff like this, but still, thanks for the sympathy you*(expletives deleted).
     
Any resemblence in this blog post to any  actual persons living or dead  is purely coincidental.

Pets for every lifestyle.

  A pet,be it furred , fish or fowl can be a wonderful addition to any home. But be sure the pet you choose suits your personal style of living. If you like quiet, get a fish. I've never met a noisy fish. Reptiles are quiet, and can be quite handsome and can make a heck of a statement. Nothing says wow like a boa ,and not feathered one , around your neck at street festival or biker rally, especially if you happen to be a well put together and scantilly clad gal. Birds. I got one for forty bucks from a biker on morris street.A pretty big one. Poor decision. It bit my landlord in the head. Before I could find a new apartment, I had to pass him on to a more responsible person.
   That brings us to cats and dogs. If you like being held hostage by a shreiking, twirling dervish, perhaps the Australian silky terrier would suit your lifestyle. If you like the excitement of never knowing if you'll even have a habitable home when you return at the end of the day,the german shorthaired pointer is an excellent breed. Those are just two of the wonderful world of dog pets that I have had experience with. A little research will find you a perfect match. I saw an ad in the paper once . It said " free- yorkshire terrier, hateful little dog ,bites".
    Don't be a fool, get a cat man.

Table Manners..........for pirates.

       My children have taught  me  lessons in table manners that my mother neglected. Mom asked that we keep our elbows off the table, say grace , and not act like an apes. The girls have their own ideas.
   If you must fart , aim it at whomever is sitting next to you. If someone asks that you pass anything, finish it first; if there is something you want, better to lunge for it.  If mom or scullion wench (same thing) has served something you don't care for, throw it on the floor. Stuff like belching, wiping your hands on your pants, singing, twitching, rocking like an aslylum inmate and  hollering with your mouth full are beneath mention ;they are de riguer as the french say(with their mouths full). If your children have the manners of pirates ,worry not,someday they will outgrow it, you will die or they will ship out with Barrett's Privateers.  

Lets Make Sausage !!

   I f you haven't picked up a rusty old hand meat grinder during last years garage sale season, shame on you. Go next door and ask your neighbor politely. "Do you have a meat grinder I can borrow? Just for an hour or two." Keep doin' that until you 've got one. Don't look all crazy or they'll think you're up to something.
   OK. Next, get some meat. All you vegans check back tomorrow. Any old freezer burned anything  will work. Go to the local grocery store and get some salt pork and some sausage casings. Without the casing, what you're making is just a real nasty little hamburger. Grind it all up  and add a bunch of spices. A lot of everything especially hot stuff. Squirt it into the casing with a sausage horn thingy.  Oo it's so sexy.
     Return the grinder. If you drink ,go to the liquor store. I recomend a gallon of Cribari red  (aka Crowbar wine) Any jug  screwtop will do. Invite in whomever you borrowed the grinder from  or mooched meat from. Fry the supreme piss out of your creations. Bon apetit'.