There's Strong. Then There's Suburban Strong.

   Who's tougher, the city mouse or the country mouse? It's an age old question. The mean streets or the  hard scrabble. The suburbanite is often left out of the debate. What's the suburbanites biggest woe; Omigod ,I'm running a tad late for my daughter's viola lesson? You might say, that hardly ranks with the locust ate my corn or, the crackhead nextdoor stole my TV.
   I've learned only a few things in fifty-six years but, one  thing I know for sure, is that my pain will always hurt more than your pain. So while you are all eating your snowshoes because the brucilosis took your milk cow and the gangs are rumbling up the block, remember the mom standing at the granite counter making a peanut butter sandwich this morning. I can't predict who will see the sun go down.
    Who's the tough guy now? Ask me tonight.

Venetian Gondolier?

 Who wants to go to Venice? Heck ,we all do. It seems so romantic. If you've ever wondered why a Venetian gondola doesn't just go around in circles ,wonder no more. Have you ever rowed a boat  standing up with one oar while singing some fake opera  real loud ? People with you either make out or throw bread to carp or both.
   The construction of the gondola is fascinating from a boat building standpoint. Most boats are painstakingly built symetrically with equal amounts of boat on either side of a centerline . Not so the gondola. Viewed from above it resembles, somewhat , a banana lying on it's side. The single oar rowing on one side is conteracted by the boats natural tendency to steer itself towards where the banana points. Who knew?
 This is more funny peculiar than funny ha ha.

Second Act.

  Who among  us hasn't thought, " I'd like to try a new career" ? When I was a lad I saw a few different career possibilities. Secret Agent. Lone Cowboy, wandering the high plains of Ontario. White Hunter. Arctic Explorer.Ski Bum. After forty years in construction I am now thinking of a second act and this very  morning my middle child told me about a career I think I would be perfectly suited for. Trial Husband.
    It seems it is possible for a woman, or a man I suppose, to rent a trial spouse to see if wedded bliss would suit them.  I don't think the sex relation part is the key part. I would be the answer to the question of "What's that thing on the couch?"    "Oh , that's the mister."   Or "Can you kill this rat?"   "Certainly dear."
   "For the love of a merciful Christ, can you wash a dish once in a while? " I answer " Huh?"
Before you say I do,  find out to what.

Breaking News from Switzerland.

    Scholars from around the world gathered recently in Zurich to present papers, ask questions, answer questions, guzzle beer, ski on the endowment nickle and jog in a new country.  Their mission was to examine the "Hipneck " phenomenon.  Social scientists of every stripe are seeing this new trend as more than a trend. We could have a new generational label , like baby bomber or generation X. Here's their finding.
    The hipneck will clean his or her gun while listening to a Joni Mitchell record. A hipneck will have his kielbasa on a bed of organic arugula. A hipneck might fix his muffler with duct tape while wearing an undyed handknit  wool  accessory . My understanding is this all started ,where?  The Pacific Northwest. No surprise there.
   One  part hipster ,  one part redneck. Shaken not stirred.

We Get Mail.

Here's a small sampling of the thousands of inquiries we receive each day. .I answer each one personally. These are too good not to share.

Dear Smoothstar,
           I've  had this rat  stuck in a glue trap for weeks, so I finally had to just let it go.
Thanks for nothing.
                         Sully
Oops, forgot about that one.

Dear Smoothstar,
                  When are you going to finish my addition?  I know you're in there. Your truck's in front and I can hear your guitar.
   Signed
      Wondering

Dear Wondering
     Ummm,  ah , errr, ah..

 Ok folks,  that it for today's mail . Keep 'em coming.
               

The Importance of Being French

   Certain words just go together. Butter and Scotch for example. French and Maid. It just rolls off the tongue  in such a way that you can't imagine it being any other way. Speaking of tongue , where would any of us be today if the French hadn't invented the kiss?
     When we discussed  proper staffing of the home we touched on the French. I know this next stuff may seem obvious but I'll tell you anyways. If your drywall guys aren't French , they aren't drywall guys. Your fries .Duh. French bikini. French girls,  period, are just like regular girls ,only cuter.
   Next time we'll discuss Detroit Slick, Buffalo Wing and  Albany Slush. How'd  the Brazillians come up with wax? I would have never thought of that.

Not a House, It's a Home.

   The hippies might call it a harmonic convergence. When many aspects combine to form  a harmonious whole. That whole is your home. (The w is silent.) Starting  a new month we take stock and see how the last month has brought us to a state of more gracious living.
    Just yesterday afternoon, I felt that hamonious sensation. Onions were sauteing in the kitchen. A Buckwheat Zydeco record was blasting on the stereo. I was building a fire in the fireplace ( not in the garage).  As I bent down, arranging the kindling, my pants slid off my butt. No one's home , so I don't care. I feel a cold wet nose and a vigorous licking on the ole butt crack. That better be the dog. And it was! He has his good points. At that moment, I am the king and this is my castle.
    I hope you can have that feeling too.