Catalogs and Chickens

   We sometimes get two ideas at once, or so close one after another, that they seem like at once.
   I get janitorial supply catalogs and farm equipment catalogs. I'm not that interested in rug cleaning chemicals, but I find hog and poultry feeding gear fascinating. Motorsport enthusiasts have the thing called "bench racing' where they gaze at their machinery and dream about going fast. The farm catalogs bring about a state called "bench farming". I live in a little ranch house on a cul de sac. Where to put my hog barn isn't a pressing issue. Wether to use  two spout, double pen, hog watering spigots is an even less pressing issue.
    For about a hundred and eighty bucks I could buy an egg incubator  and hatch 48 chickens at a time. Then I'll need the brooder and the nipple drinker. That's too many chickens.
   For some folks, a pen full of chickens and a can of beer and a fence to lean on, is about as close to heaven as they will ever get. It's like a big smelly TV.

Stage Names, Aliasis, Nom de Plumes

   The names we give ourselves are different from nick names, which are typically given by others. Often, for business purposes, we find that using names other than our actual ones gives a better vibe. In Hollywood the stage name was a common practice. Cary Grant and Dorothy Lamour, for example, are names their mamas never gave them.
   Here are a few of the names that I have used myself.
Ruff Manley- For my line of Adirondack based,  health and home care products, including the Saranac Tickler(patent pending) Shampeee (patent pending) and a line of flannel hawaian shirts.
Demi Velour- Although I never got it off the ground, it was my drag queen name for a traveling drag show to be called Queens Farm Dairy, bringing quality drag shows into the hinterlands.
Moe Thunderbird - A name I used as a food and wine columnist for an artzine called The Screed.(Also used when I played with a combo called The Sniffing Dog Revue)
Dave Schodack-Private eye
Swirlin Eddy- Rhythmn guitarist for a sort of low-fi Americana combo, The Bushmen.
    Make up your own stage name today. It's fun.

CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM !

     Most of you readers out there are full grown . It's about time you started to act that way. Your room is a pig sty. How can you find anything in that mess?  No wonder you are flunking half your classes! I'll treat you like a an adult ......blah blah blah and so forth .  Your mom isn't going to be around to pick up after you forever.
    This morning I look around the room where I do my thing (I'm reluctant to call it an office or a studio or anything a real person would have) and I feel shame. It is knee deep in tool catalogs, half written songs, empty boxes, skiing gear, barbells, busted tools, and banna peels and comic books. I wish my mom was alive.
    I'll have to staighten up tomorrow, as I have too much to do  today. I'll do those things while cursing the darkness. Tomorrow. Clean up your car.

Say it with flowers lads.

   Ordinarily I like to address all genders. Today's posting I will direct to the men. Has Mother's Day already past? I know it's in the spring sometime. Sadly, my mom is with Elvis, so I loose track. I'm not sure if I should count the mothers of my children or only my own mother. I'm getting off the point here.
      Nothing jazzes up any love relation like a gift of flowers. If your moms is still alive, give her some flowers today. Even if your girlfriend isn't pissed at you, give her some flowers today. If you have an old auntie you haven't seen in years, give her the flowers. She might remember you in her will, who knows. Don't give flowers to any avid gardener who has a yard full of the things. You'll just seem stupid.
   A couple of bucks at the grocery store for a few carnations and  you lift yourself above the level of thoughtless brute. A wiser investment  you cannot make.
  
  

Feeling wistful? Make a dump run.

  Anomie. Angst. In a swoon. Just plain pissed. At the end of your rope. Call it whatever you want, even the most well adjusted of us get a tad wistful now and again. There are plenty of ways to pull ourselves out of a funk. Obilvion drinking rarely helps, but should not necessarily be ruled out.
   When the world is too much with me, I load up my pick-up with busted ass stuff; hardened bags of concrete, the last dog's doghouse, the mailbox my brother in law ran over; Stuff that even third worlders couldn't find a use for but, is somehow in my yard. I take it to the dump. As I heave it on  the pile, I say to myself,  " Goodbye busted stuff, goodbye crummy attitude, hello new shining day of joy."
   It helps if your landfill or transfer station is scenic and sweet smelling, but even a hellhole like the Colonie Landfill with it's steaming piles of contract garbage, does the trick. They have great big steel wheeled loaders. It's what the whole world will be like in the the year 2021. Oops, a negative thought.

Domestic Bliss

    There are many false starts on the road to happiness. They say the path to love is never smood. By following a few of my relationship secrets we can have more harmonious love relations. "What makes you such an expert?" Some of you might ask. Having a lifestyle blog gives me that expertise.
    Here goes.
1.Mind your tone. Sarcasm and wise ass comments are great for  dealing with children, less so for your loved one.
2. Try not to repeat yourself. (I actually think I already wrote a posting about this stuff)
3.When blowing money on your own selfish pleasures, keep it on the down low. If you don't show me your new fly rod, I won't show you my bar bill.
4.Do things together, like washing the car. It can be fun.
5.Laugh at each other's jokes.(see #2)
    Follow these simple tips and domestic bliss will be yours. Check the archives. I think there may be more good advice. There may be more good advice from Smoothstar.

Quit Smoking Tomorrow.

   Smoking  is a filthy habit that I, for one, sorely miss.  Due to a graveyard cough, I was forced to quit a number of years ago. It is not a joke about quiting tomorrow. I quit on new years day, but I stayed up until almost dawn smoking madly as it wasn't new years day until I went to sleep and woke up.
    I had weird ideas after I quit. I thought I should shave my head and get a tattoo of a fly on my scalp. I had difficulty driving a car and would occaisionally park on the side of the freeway and weep. One night, when I couldn't sleep, I walked to the all night market and bought six eclairs. Ate 'em all, then went back and bought a 2 lb t-bone steak, fried it , ate it all.
   If you need to quit the butts, do so tomorrow. You may get fat as a house (I did). Eventually the swelling goes down and you will be back to normal, such as it is. It gets so painful, it is humorous. Then you are free.