In Our Mailbag

Dear Smoothstar,
         Why don't you shut your stupid -expletive deleted -hole?
      Sincerely Yours
                      Not A Fan
Dear N.A.F.
             That is an interesting question. Sometimes when I get nervous I do find that I just keep right on jabbering even though I have every little worth saying. I'll go on and on about my dog or the kids pet frog or something. I just can't take the quiet.
   Not a fan, spelled backwards is Nafaton, which would be a good name for a manga character. I really do appreciate the letters from my readers. Sometimes it feels like a tree falling on someone in the woods. I like to hear your screaming. So's your face.
               Best wishes
 Smoothstar
         

House plants. Living things in your home.

      You might have only a lawn chair. and a five dollar black and white TV, but if you have a house plant, your house is a home. The spider plant is hard to kill, as are cacti. For the novice, killability should be your first consideration.
   The road to gracious living can at times seem long. If you are a young person starting out in life or if your former life unraveled for some reason and  you find yourself at sea let's say, the aquisition and care of a plant can be just the ticket. Avoid the temptation to get a pet, no matter how lonely you are. No, you can't talk to your plant, at least you shouldn't be. But conversing with a dog or cat for too long can be unhealthy as well.
   Water your plant now and again and perhaps decorate the pot with a marble or some other little toy you might come across. It's a little oasis. As you grow in your ability to give a dang, you will soon see the possibilities of forming other and more complicated and satisfying relationships. Good Luck.

You have been invited to a Gala Event. Now what?

  Everyone will be there. Movie stars, polititians, the works. Your first thought is to climb off your bulldozer, leave the filthy rags you are wearing on and show up and make a drunken scene. You'll be dragged off by the cops, and disgrace your friends and family. Your stupid mugpiece will appear in Monday's paper and your reputation will be further sealed as les'enfant terrible',  as the french say.
   Our first thoughts are rarely, make that never, our best thoughts. Alright, even if you view the guest list as a rogues gallery of bloodthirsty thugs , thieves and worse, put your best foot forward. These movers and shakers, even all dolled up, are what they are, so expect no better. If the powerful are in fact that , you must use your powers of persuasion for the forces of good. This means, wear their costumes and speak their language. When you have the govenor's ear, because he is intrigued by your style, suggest in your most seductive tone that balancing the budget on the backs of the least fortunate, or gunning down children and such, might not always be the best policy.

Are your feet killing you?

   A favorite turn of phrase is " My-   {filling in , offending body part( back, head, guts, etc.)}- is killing me. " As part of our ongoing Health and Fitness  feature , today we look down. At our feet. When the dogs are aching, the whole world can seem bleak. There is the foot massage. Eh , I for one can't really stand having my feet touched. Perhaps, I never met the right person. Go soak your feet. Now we're talking. 
     You hikers out there know the glory of the cool mountain stream. Off with the boots and plunge them barkers in the cool crystal waters. Ahhhhh.... that feels good. Never drink that water.  When a full on shower seems like work, slip the feet out of your Chuck Taylor Allstars, (which you wear with no socks and smell like something from hell) sit on the edge of the tubby and let the faucet flow. Wiggle the toes. Moan with pleasure.
  If tonight is date night, in your bucket, add a bit of Clorox to the water. It will freshen.

Summer Fun

     As the summer presents itself we ask, like Tarzan" What do with time?"  Paint house? Absolutely not !!Anything with scraping, pounding ,digging, drilling, hacking or wacking falls under topics other than fun.
   Let's enjoy our families and what remains of our vigor. We live about three hours from a bordering state which has lax fireworks laws. Job one, is make sure you have plenty of works for the fourth of July. Take the family on a shopping spree. Give  'em a hundred bucks and a shopping cart and turn 'em loose in a fireworks warehouse. That's fun. The  town pool is always fun. Don't forget the shades dads, in case the BQ is high(Bikini Quotient). That's fun. But wait,there 's more.
    Hiking, fishing, swimming, nice music, sunshine, friends and frolicking, let's not let this summer slip by, working our ignant asses off like we're gonna live forever and have fun after we're dead somehow.

Perfect Pudding Everytime

   We live in a golden age. My moms, god rest her soul, had alot of good qualities. Sadly, her pudding skill wasn't one of them. Those were the days when pudding was brought to a milk curdling boil and served with a leathery skin. Boy, don't that sound appetizing. Another family favorite was the "Fish Eyes and Glue". Also know as tapioca pudding, this gummy concoction was an acquired taste let's say , to be kind. Egg custard, as served in my childhood home, also sported the "leathery skin'', this time hiding a yellowish eggy slime. Whoah,  kinda early in the day for these descriptions !
   Fast forward to 2011. At your local market, the pudding aisle, in little boxes , no cook, delicious pudding abounds ! Don't buy pudding in a can. Stuff like so-callled "Indian Pudding" in a can is an abomination. Resist any chilled pudding products. Too much plastic.
   Open box, mix with milk , chill and enjoy.    Perfect,      just like life.

What a Doctor Says

   Sometimes called Croakers, Quacks, Sawbones, Witch Doctors and worse , the medical profession comes under a certain amount of fire. It is called one of the caring professions, which along with Plumbing, Car Sales and  Songwriting  are sometimes viewed as necessary evils, but try living without them. Try calling the cops for example, when you have a water heater go bad, a pain in your kidney or need a love song to make everything ok.
  We have looked at the health care system. (See smoothstar archive post from Wed Jan.5th.) Today let's really put a face to it. When the Doctor sits close to you to tell you something, you are as good as dead. If he actually touches your arm in a comforting way, forget it. What you want  him or her to do is look over their glasses, shake their heads in scorn and tell you to stop wasting their time. "No, I'm am not your drug dealer, and these symptoms are some aberration or stupid ploy." Thank god,  we say!
   If you are feeling unwell today, buy a new car. You'll either never live to pay for it or who cares if your credit is shot, none of us live forever.