It's the Golfing Life for Me.

     It's like saying" I'm a Bulgarian." or " I'm a Protesant from Ohio." It's not what you do, but who you are. You are a golfer. "I'm a bowler " is another thing that comes close. Some of these pastimes are religions /identities unto themsleves.
   Do you leave a glove on your left hand while engaging in the love relation? Admit it. You know you want to. Is there always a ball maker in your pocket? Just in case, you might  need to mark your ball in the middle of a wedding or a business meeting.  Admit it. Are you tan and very time you try on a shirt or a pair of slacks, is your ability to swing a club your only concern?
 Admit it.You don't dream of supermodels or George Clooney, you dream of three hundred yard drives and sixty foot putts that go once around the hole and drop in like an atomic bomb. Boo yeah!
 Is it a geezer sport? Yes and no. By a merciful god , the last thing you will do on this earth is sink a birdie putt on the eighteenth hole before grabbing your chest and going face down. In the meanwhile, knock off early and get eighteen in before dark. Or seventeen , play the last hole in the dark.

Retired Upstate New York Pipe Fitter Wins Nobel Prize

    Since the dawn of civilization the human race has tried to fry a fish fillet and serve it on a stick. Helene Tottenberg of New Baltimore NewYork, was not only the first women in the Plumbers and Steamfitters Local , she is also the first person to get a fish fillet to stay on a stick through the frying and the eating.  "It's the secret ingredient in the batter that makes all the difference and the proper species of fish.."
   " I can tell you the porgy is the fish to use, but the ingredient must remain a secret."  The Nobel Comittee took notice a few years back when Miss Tottenberg almost had it with her perch kabobs.
    Mr. Sven  of the Nobel Committee in his announcement from Stockholm yesterday said, " Yah, like the corn dog with a fish,  yes  have we been this excited."
     Ms, T.  has said her ingredient is a two part substance. I hope she isn't cheatin' and using some sort of epoxy, unless it is a new kind of edible epoxy. Congrats to Ms. Tottenberg , you've done New Baltimore proud.

Jackin' Deer - Growin' Weed

    Ah, the crack of the .22 calber rifle an hour or two after sunset. You know some crafty senior is getting the jump on deer season and filling the freezer with another retirement deer. Today's seniors are more self reliant than ever. Even if a fixed or no income limits your options for golf and winters in Florida, the modern oldster can  still mantain a gracious lifestyle. That feeling of independence you get butchering a deer and drinking whiskey out in your shed by lantern light is something money can't buy. For the things money must buy, like lantern gas and whiskey there is always a cash crop. More than one local senior is taking advantage of the ridiculously inflated weed market.
  So as the sunsets and the golden glow of our golden years approaches, don't look forward with dread. Look  forward with your chin set and your eyes clear. Consider wistfully your misspent youth. Say to yourself , "The hell, this ain't too bad."

Sensational Seniors Trading Cards !

    Wow! What a Concept. I thought I'd seen it all with Lives of the Saints Trading Cards, with miracle stats, Saint Sebastian rookey cards and whatnot.
   My first batch had Eubie Blake, the veteran piano player and chain smoker, who made the most likely to die list more than anyone. Mother Theresa. Who could beat her for shriveled? Nobody, that's who. The owlish and ancient George Burns. Gar!!! That thing was old!  I got a Karen Black rookey card. She's pretty old, but she ain't pretty. She could reach Hall Of Fame status if she keeps making them cheap horror films where she plays the" hag next door". You go girl!
    It's a sign of the times and we are just seeing the tip of this ice berg. We are entering the age of Aquarius. Jupiter aligns with Mars. Maybe peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars.

Seniors Riot For Equal Rights

  Not content to rock on porches, play bingo and crochet doilies, our seniors are mixing it up in  the streets like never before. With nothing to lose, there is little these highly commited oldsters won't do. We are seeing them wade straight into lines of riot police shouting, "Shame on you pig, beating an old Granny!"
   I asked a few of these active Seniors what they are fighting  for at a recent Redistribute America Movement (R.A.M.) rally that turned violent.. Usually I get something about equal rights and  the fair play line, but nine out of ten are saying " Who cares, I just love a good street fight.". It seems they are out for the air and excersize and to lift their spirits.
    We will be seeing more and more of these antique anarchists. I suggest not smirking, unless you want a brick in the face.

Stay Warm. It's Very Important.

     Ask any geezer: "What's your secret to a long and happy life?" Nine times out of ten, you get the "stay warm" answer. The other ten percent will go on and on about the importance of friends and family and good diet and exercise and so on. Then there will be the one in a hundred that says a shot of rye first thing every morning does the trick.
  So begins Geezer Week. Our  mail bag has been bursting at the seams with questions, comments,  and rants and raves from our oldsters. Here's one right off the top.
    Hey You,
          We heard  all about you from Hurwitz's grandson. Now you gonna pretend you no (his spellin') something about growing old graciously. You are nothing but a blowhard and a phony, so up yours. Whatya think of that smartass?
                                  Respectfully Yours,
                                                        Gene (the machine)  Murray
Dear Mr. Murray
       Thanks for your interest, and I love your nick name. Stay warm.
 Best,
         Smoothstar
        

Teen Week Wrap-up

    As Teen Week draws to a close let's re-cap what we have learned. Teens are at the heart inscrutable. To understand the teen you must be a teen and having been a teen is of no help whatsoever.Teens are just like us, only more so.
    Perhaps next week we will move to the other end of the human spectrum and examine the habits, hear the issues and smell the smells of our Seniors. Senior Week will delve deeply into our Senior's deepest secrets as we unlock the vault to our most experienced and entrenched commrades. I know alot of them like golf.
   
Countdown to deer season: 14 Days.  Also our local minor league hockey team,  a New Jersey Devils affliliate, has their opener next Saturday as well. There's lots to look forward to.