Do you feel like you feel different than other other people?

    How  many of us have asked ourselves, in the dark nights of our souls, "Why do I feel the same way as everyone else"? Have you asked yourself , "Why do I look like everyone else"? That is what  we really fear.   Oh man, Why, why , why, why,  am I so ordinary? We all want to be special.
   Here's the good news. No one does feel the way you do. Your agonies and joys are peculiar. You do look weird. We're all together in our aloneness. Is that ironic? I never really knew what irony was.
   What's so funny about this Smoothstar , you might ask ?  Well nothing , but I want today to be different from all the days that have come before and will come after. Is that too much to ask? My Uncle Ed told me that our lives sometimes unfold before us moment by moment. Today may have some of those moments.  Man, I hope not.
    They say in the old west, "Nobody moves , nobody gets hurt."

When the Weather's Hot and Sticky......

  So goes a naughty little poem.  Put on your junior high hat, and given what ryhmes with sticky, you know the rest.
   Today, here are some helpful hints for keeping your cool this summer.
1.Take off your shirt
2.Take off your pants
3.Avoid digging with a shovel
4.Somehow turn off the heater in your truck
5.Go to a pool
6. Go to K-marts and buy a pool ( kiddy pools are not just for kids and chickens)
7.Golf, after Labor Day only
8.Shoot off some fireworks. (gets your mind off the heat)
9.Drive North
10.Act cool , dress cool, be cool
11.Sleep on the firescape or move to someplace not so hot

Green Side Up. Tips for modern gardeners.

     Way upstate, there were some lads working in a greenhouse. This place was out of a Dickens novel. Another story that is; They had an endless routine , the punch line of which was always, "Green Side Up".
 How do you plant plants? That was the answer.
   This weekend is traditionally the planting weekend for tomatoes and squash. These two crops are the heart and soul of upstate New York gardens. The plastic soup container with the bottom cut out, sleeved down around your squash stem will help with the cut worms. Loads of mulch around your tomatoes will help with the blight. That's a few practicalities. What about garden Ju-Ju?  You must have at least a little Buddha or Garden Gnome.  I have always used the top from a bowling trophy stuck on a stick. A concrete Marlin will work and don't forget the Blessed Virgin (with or with out bathtub grotto). Even container gardeners should consider perhaps a transformer or a weeble snuggled down inside a bucket on the patio. Something must watch over your garden while you sleep.

Action Movies Teach Important Lessons

     All genres of the cinema have something to tell us. How else would we know to be suave' if not for Cary Grant. Ginger Rogers and Myrna Loy show gals, that smart and sexy thing that makes my knees go weak.
   Action movies are the swiss army knife of film. How else would we know to make an emergency blow torch from a can of hair spray? How would we even know that we needed an emergency blow torch? You're locked in a bathroom and the bad guy is kickin the door in and about to do the same to you. Time for the blow torch hair do. Boo yeah.
   There's time for kissin' and there's a time for fightin'. I like to say that I can run for ten miles without stopping and I'm handy with a gun. The running part is most likely best when you encounter a real live badass; But, we all ,gals and fellas alike, like to think we can handle ourselves, Hollywood style.

Simple Storage Solutions

   Is it stuffy in here or is it me? If you are anything like me, it's probably you. You got more stuff than places to put it. A quick glance around my room here and I must ask a couple of questions. When was the last time I wore my pith helmet or rode my skate boards?  Sure, it's been a while but, no way I'm yard saleing that stuff off. I might give it away to someone worthy. In the meanwhile we must store our stuff.
    Building a proper shed is a good solution. It is a carpentry job anyone can do. It can be as fabulous as you have time and imagination for but, one thing is certain. It will be only half as big as you wish it was the second you finish it, no matter how big you build it.
      Buy some tools at a yard sale and get started building. You'll need some place to keep them. Your tools, that is.

The National Anthem. Not just for sports anymore.

   Before I mowed the lawn yesterday, I had my kid sing the National Anthem. She held a little flag and I stood solemly by my mower. I did it as a joke, but then it didn't seem so funny. It seemed some how right and proper. Mowing, like many other chores, can give a level of  profound satisfaction when done in the proper spirit.
    I was at the local speedway for motorbike racing a while back. There is a drag strip behind the dirt oval. A little bluegrass combo played the Anthem before the main event bike race. The scream of the dragsters and the smell of nitro and tire burnouts floated over. You really couldn't hear much of the singing but there was no doubt that this was the USA.
   I think I'll ask the kid to sing the Anthem before I take my nap this afternoon. We'll see how that feels. 

Nice people are everywhere.

    There was a guy with a Mercedes that had a flat tire in the parking lot along the interstate. He attempted to solicit a ride from a fellow traveler to the next exit to get his spare tire and come back. He was offering cash payment up front. He was not getting a good response. I obseverved this plea and was thinking wether I would help this man or not. While thinking about it , I locked my car keys in my car and headed in to take a leak. I was now the stuck guy as well. I was about to ask the guy with the Mercedes if I could borrow his tire iron to enter my car. I was fatigued from a rambunctious weekend and it was all I could do to not just break down sobbing.
    A nice lady in the conveniece store, after a few calls, offered the use of her AAA card and called a garage. She would play the part of my wife and we would scam  the deal a bit. The ruse broke down when we didn't know each other's last names and addresses but the garage man was kind enough to take a reasonable bribe and forego the formalities. The mercedes guy had a friend, obviously a good one, come get him. There are nice people everywhere.
   

You Need A Hobby.

     There's a big difference between  alot of stuff we do and a hobby. We can be rather passionate about our hobbies, but we don't live and die by them. There was a time when I fished almost every night. It was not a hobby. It was a matter of life and death. It induced a meditative state by which I was able to survive a most difficult set of circumstances. For some of us, noddling an hour or two on our trombones is a relaxing pastime. For others, something all together different.
   A hobby should be a relaxing pastime; An activity that brings a certain joy. For me it's feeding and watching my birds, in the yard. Riding my motorbike is my hobby, not my personality.
  Starting a band, for example, is generally not a hobby, but an agony, an imperious urge. (The French call it "La petite morte", the little death, or is that the orgasm , I forget.)
   I going to try beekeeping. I hope I don't end up a bee fanatic.

One More Weekend With You

      Often times around the watercooler on monday mornings, our co-workers will ask "So how was your weekend?" Some mondays we sadly think....laundry, mowed the lawn, fixed the truck, went to the grocery store, yelled at the kids, took a nap, watched a monster movie. All these things, in and of themselves, can be transcendant when done in the proper frame of mind. Other activities, may in fact, catapault you into the fourth dimension.
 I won't go on and on about my weekend. Suffice it to say, when your co-workers say things like "I  feel like I have been sucked through a worm hole at warp speed", when describing their weekend, they probably spent the weekend with me.
   Tommorow,  relaxation techniques for go-go guys and gals.

Can you give me an estimate?

      We are oftened asked how long something will take. We are also often asked how much something will cost. These questions of course beg other questions concerning more opaque and unknowable phenomenon, such as the nature of time and the definition of cost.
    A friend once calculated the cost, per pound, for fish caught on his rather snazzy bass boat. Fifteen hundred and eighty three dollars per pound. Hmmm? That doesn't count the hidden expenses incurred. We then factor in, say, his hourly rate for doing plumbing work for the hours spent fishing. ( only counting weekday hours on regular working days , and not time and a half for nights and weekends) He factored in eighteen lost days, mostly during the shad and striper run over three years. One hundred and forty four hours at seventy -five per. Another six hundred dollars a pound. Plus tackle, gas and beer. Good god, the price of fish!
    Tomorrow, the cost of not fishing.

365 days of Smoothstar

   I'm aorta(I mean sorta) played tonight. but here's the quote of the day  by whom ,I can't recall.

" Slackness, softness, these you should shun. There's nothing rougher than having fun."

Slimming Swimsuits for the Summer Season.

   Sopranos sing sweetly. Swimsuits sag seductively. Short sheeted sophomores smile while swallowing summer slogswallop. OK enough of that.
      A proper swimsuit may be the most important clothing item in your whole wardrobe.  Are you the great big baggy kind of fella or a Brazillian string bikini kind of gal?  Our swimsuits say who we are and how we feel about our own bad selves. My little green speedo days are behind me.  Sadly I don't have time this morning to wax poetic about swim trunks and all.
  When I'm at the local pool , I have a thing I call the BQ, or bikini quotient. It determines wether to wear my mirrored shades or not.
   

The here and now and then.

  We are not nostalgic. Nor are we worriers, living in dread.  We live in the endless now. How's that Smoothstar, you might ask?  Things may seem to have been just a little bit hipper in the past and the future  can be a tad daunting, but dwelling on either the past or the future does not pay. A saying I love is, "Even God can't change the past." That works on regret but doesn't help when the nostalgia grips you. Uh oh. I'm wandering off into a realm where I have zero expertise.
    I know all there is to know about matters of gracious living and that's why I am qualified to have my blog. If I start in on matters other than car repairs and fashion and what all, please stop me.
    Here's a quick recipe. Perfect pancakes. Don't forget to separate the eggs and whip the whites but good and fold them into the rest of the ingredients. You know the rest of the ingredients, don't you?

Cologne. Not just a town in France.

     People get divorced for many reasons. I know a fella that had a habit of, when he was at the mall with his now ex-wife, drenching himself in stuff like British Sterling, a stunning frangrance that retailers foolishly left out for the public to sample. I think perhaps it was subconciously something he did because he didn't really enjoy shopping that much, but in fact he also loved the smell of cheap department store men's cologne.  His now ex- wife liked it less. I think married people get used to the smell of their partners or divorce them; one or the other.
    When I introduced a  young woman I knew to my friend Rudy in a bar one morning, he commented that she smelled like she got drunk and fell into the perfume counter at Woolworths. For him, a compliment.
   I love perfume wafting from a woman's neck, or a hippie girl swirling in a cloud of petchouli. It's so beautiful.

Juvenile Delinquency. Let's stomp it out.

 Are your boys wearing tight pants? Are your girls snapping their gum? Does little Bobby leave the house with his hair all greased up, wearing shades on cloudy days? How short can little Janey's skirts get, how tight her sweater? These are not just retro Rockabilly fashion choices. If your kids are tearing around town in hot rod automobiles, smokin' butts, listening to Iron Maiden  or worse still, Slayer, or some such anti social music, you are starting to see warning signs of actual JUVENILE DELINQUENCY. I write it large because it should not be ignored completely.
   What to do? I  like to cut the kids some slack. At least they have friends. They can always quit smoking later. Ah , the hell with it , leave  'em alone. At least they ain't mooning around the house reading Herman Hesse and smokin' up all my weed.

Travel Expands The Mind

      If you never go anywhere, you've never been anywhere. Traveling is often a hassle. All the going and wandering and wondering where you are and where you're going and getting lost. Yoiks, you might say. Why bother? And some places,  like the Bronx when you have gotten  way off of Bruckner  Boulevard somewheres and it's all chop shops and surly looking people and you're looking for Bloomingdales in midtown Manhattan, you really wonder why. I can't even imagine trying to negotiate Mombassa  or Bangkok. Think how Marco Polo or Captain Cook felt. When you have trekked or sailed for a number of years to get where you're going, baby, you're mind has been expanded.
  I went to Boston a few weeks back with the girls. We stayed at a boutiquey hotel. Dinner was at a pizza joint that had the Celtics on TV,  getting spanked in the playoffs. It was neat to hear the true fan's wailings and lamentations in their native habitat.
   
   

2 Favorites

I saw a ship a sailing.
Sailing on the sea.
And it was all laden with pretty things for thee.
There were comfits in the cabin and apples in the hold.
The masts were made of silver and the sails were made of gold.
 
and....

Hark hark the dogs do bark.
Beggars are coming to town.
Some in jags, and some in rags,
And some in velvet gowns.

I don't know. When I feel a bit wistful , Mother Goose seems to help.

Small engine repairs and maintenance. Also tech stocks to jazz up your portfolio.

    This may seem like a lot to cover in one or two paragraphs. But here goes. Two stoke engines are almost always a lost cause. Fun to work on but, they almost never run right after you get through with them, unless you actually know what you're doing. Lawn mowers and tillers, four stroke stuff, usually benefit from fresh gas, cleaned out gas tanks, an oils change, and a fresh plug. Anymore than that and they will run like your chain saw collection, that's to say, not at all.
    I have been looking at Tesla to take off; A struggling electric car company that all savvy advisors are saying, avoid like the plague. If I had any money I might grab a hundred shares and hang on until Ford or somebody buys 'em or there is suddenly a huge uptick in demand for hundred thousand dollar electric sports cars. Buy one yourself, with all your stock earnings and money saved on mower repairs.
   Whew.... that was  a lot.

New dance craze called, "The Mummy"

  Three Tana leaves will keep his heart beating. Nine tana leaves will give him life and movement.. Put in charge of guarding  the crypt of Princess Ananka many thousands of years ago, The Mummy has lingered long. Generations of creepy guys have kept up with his Tana habit in the event he was needed. As no one has messed with The Princess, even mummies can get a bit bored. Suffice it to say he got all Tana'ed up and got loose.
     Down at the club with one arm forward in a throat clutching gesture, and the oppposite arm at his side and one leg dragging, The Mummy works his dance floor ju-ju. Man you gotta see it. It ain't fancy, but it somehow means something. Stayin' alive. You should be dancin'.

Tub Time

     It's Sunday night. Not really, but let's pretend. Here's what I suggest. Draw yourself a really hot bath. The water is hotter than you can stand. Throw in three or four chamomile teabags. Slowly lower your own nekkid self into what amounts to a big cup of tea. This is a tea party we can all get behind. Or get your behind into. Place one teabag over each closed eye as you lay in the fragrant water. Imagine yourself being the Queen of Egypt or some other all powerful and pampered royal. Allow yourself to brew. Recharge the eye teabags periodically with fresh hot water. Ignore any screaming or squabbling or other domestic distractions. Say to yourself, "I  am regent and ruler, master of all things seen and known." Or just drift off to la la land.
    Oooo....... it  is not Thursday morning. We are not pouring concrete today......Ahhhhhh.

Unbelieveable Letter Arrives!

Dear Smoothstar
        I went into a bar the other night. Sitting there was a guy that beat me out of a bunch of money, a number of years ago. He, sadly, is a crackhead. Long story short. The guy peels off a hundred and gives it to me. He tells me he only drinks gin now cuz he doesn't like it much; That way he don't drink so much. Makes sense, I guess.
     Money from a crackhead , can you believe it!.
                           Astounded  Gary
Dear Astounded Gary,
             That is truly an amazing story. No, I don't believe it. Nor do I believe in the Tooth fairy or Santa Claus. This is a serious blog . Keep your made up hooey to yourself. Funny story though.
      Best wishes,
                      Smoothstar

      

     

Root Hog,or Die.

    As far as  the old sayings go, this is one of my favorites.  The hog must root or, simply put, it will expire. So must we all. Root, that is. Snuffling our snouts in the muck to extract the tasty and life sustaining roots.
     What of the hog that does not care to root ? It awaits service from the farmer with his slops bucket. "Here pig pig pig pig,pig."  Slop in the throth. Yum. No muck. No schnuffelling. Neither rooting nor dying. Hmmm?  Relying on the farmer's slop bucket may have our pig,  in fact lose  his or her capacities and capabuilities for rootin'. What if the farmer's tractor slips off the jack this morning crushing, say, his swill serving  arm . The farmer may not always be there, is all I'm sayin'.
   Ok Smoothstar we get it ,you say. Sure, it's an obvious little tale. But, I feel a bit too civilized sometimes. Let's keep our teeth and our claws sharp kids.

White Tail Deer -Suburban Nuisance,Tasty Snack

  The white tailed deer is an endangered species in my neighborhood. This lovely woodland creature has made more than a few enemies all across the suburban lands of the USA. This morning, a deer or deers unknown dispatched a nice new maple tree my wife planted not two days ago. Bastard.
   Blood sport is not for everyone. If you choose to not eat meat or wear leather, I can see where killing, even a animal that is decimating your vegetable gardens, is not something you'd do. We have gone to eight foot fencing and manged to eliminate deer intrusion in our gardens; the rest of your landscape is merely decorative and can be fenced or not, according to how much you care.
   Hunting is a lesson in the reality of meat. After you have killed a deer, gutted and drug it from the woods, hung it and skun it and butchered it, you know where meat comes from. It comes from out back my house. Deer shoulda gone somewheres else.

Some of Smoothstar's Favorite Female Vocalists

   The sound of the violin, some say is like a woman's voice; or is it the other way around ? No matter. Here in no particular order are some of my faves.
Jeanette Macdonald        Janis
Ethel Mermam                Tracy Nelson
Triona NiDhomhnnaill      Big Mama Thornton
Amy Winehouse              Tina Turner
Ella Fitzgerald                  Annie Rosen               
Joni Mitchell                    Linda Schrade
Sandy Denny                   Aretha
   You might say, what's so funny  about that, Smoothstar? Nothing. But, lifestyle is no laughing matter.
Also, my favorite Irish joke.      Hear they closed the Dublin Zoo?       The clam died.

Pizzazz, and how to get some.

   Pizzazz is alot like Art or Spirituality. Hard to define, but you know it when you see it. The Dalai Lama is a Spiritual kinda cat. Gwenyth has Pizzazz. Carravagio whipped up the Art in his day. Pizaazz is always with a Capital P.
    I have a young friend from Finland. Just the way he sez Pizzazz, you know he's got some, with that cute Finnish accent. The dude can walk on his hands for extended periods of time. Can you beat that! We have another friend we call the dog butler who can juggle a half a dozen balls while riding a unicyle up a flight of stairs. He's got some. But Pizzazz is more than just some circus skills.  The way Gwenyth rocks the striped shirt and the beret is enough for me. Some people are hat people. Some people are sideburn people. Some people are ukelele people.  Be just like youself, but more so.
   The french call it  "je ne sais quois", literally , "I don't know what".

Let's Start a Band.

  Do you own a musical instrument? A recorder,  a clarinet, your uncle's dusty old trombone, a bugle, a harmonica , a pennywhistle? Yardsale keyboards, ukes, basses, something for everyone.  The kazoo is not an instument, nor is the slide whistle, but either will do in a pinch. A pair of maraccas or some cheap bongos and we're ready to go. Call up a bunch of your friends. If you drink alcohol or use recreational drugs , do so now.  Count, one ,two, three , four, go! The sound that you hear is the best your band will ever sound. That first howling din, combined with singing or hollerin' by everyone not blowing into something, is the sound of joy. If you want to play a standard , just say Bill Baily or Stardust really loud, and start tooting as you may recall the song going. It will take care of itself.
   Next time you get together, everyone will have ideas about how it should sound and you'll all start swearing alot.

Your Retirement Plan

    By the time you are set to retire, luckily, science will have perfected time travel. I was reading about quantum physics the other day. It seems that there are loads of different universes in existence, where all things are sorta all happening, at all times. That is good news. So right at this moment, I'm not actually wasting my precious youth, smokin' weed  and listening to Herb Alpert records. I am preparing for the dog eat dog future, so I won't be too decrepit to avoid being dog food. Nope, at this moment I am living in Beverly Hills and I am a twenty year old mogul of some sort.  Whew, thank God. I  had this nightmareish moment when I thought I might be a aging hippie carpenter on his last legs.
   Take heart folks. The world of Maya, I believe the Buddhists call it, is all illusion. In many different universes, we are all just getting started, and well too. 

Chain Saw Safety. Not Just for Men.

    Of all the awesome tools of the world, the chainsaw is one of the awesomest. The One Hundred Ton Crane may be bigger, The Ninety Pound Jack Hammer may be more painful, but the chain saw, just in terms of risk of personal injury alone, is in a class by itself.
    I was watching my neighbors take down a small tree. The dad was on a step ladder with the saw held horizontally at neck height. The mom was working the rope,  pulling the soon to fall tree directly towards herself. He was yelling something and she was yelling something. They live, or used to live, a few blocks away. I haven't seen them since , but their dog is still in the yard so I assume they survived.
    I just got a yard sale saw. A whopper.44cc. with a thirty inch bar. Honey, get the rope.
 

Barbie Dolls. Good or Bad?

     The jury is still out amoungst the parenting experts.  Many say Barbie fosters bad body consciousness and whatnot. I fancy myself as a parenting expert and my methods are well known. (see  smoothstar 2/14/11)
    Here's my experience with Barbie Dolls. They allow children and parents alike to play gods. They are not baby or child dolls but, full grown adults that will do our bidding. See the appeal? With my latest batch of children we would play a game we called "Court Date Barbie". Our attorney was a perfectly turned out African -American woman with a serious looking brief case. She never lost a case. We'd sometimes have a court room set-up where Godzilla would be accused of vandalism. He'd demolish whole lego cities; our lawyer would get him off.
    I went in the playroom and saw a Ken Doll being crucified upside down like Saint Peter. The girls said ,
"He didn't have a good lawyer."

Do You Have A Boat?

   A friend mentioned the other day that his dental bills were astronomical. He had negelected his teeth for so many years. He  refered to his hillbilly teeth, which admitedly didn't look good, but followed it by saying he'd just bought a new boat. I quote."My teeth are rotted out of my head but damn, I got a nice boat. I'm like some sorta hillbilly."
    Don't despair if you have neglected all sorts of financial, familial, and other pressing personal responsibilities, to lavish time and money on your boat. Since biblical times and before, it has been so. It's not your fault. I have seen both men and women sitting in their boats, parked in windswept, frozen parking lots, and gazing into the middle distance, drinking beers. They are,what we call, bench sailing. It's normal.
   Boat quote. " My kid's going to Marist, the tuition will ruin us both. I'm picking up my new boat tomorrow. Let's blow the day off and fish."

Your Lawn is a Living Thing.

   Most of you city folks and you country folks can ignore today's post but, you may someday end up in the suburbs, so you might stick with me. The lawn care is a hidden feature of suburban life I had forgotten about when I returned to my childhood home a few years back to reclaim my spot in suburbia.
   My first mistake. My front lawn is more than than a place to park my cars. It must be a source of pride, not a tire rutted mudhole. My second mistake. Backyard bonfires. When day breaks and there is large scorched circle in your backyard, as there is this morning ; I should have taken all that stuff to the dump instead of burning it.
   I won't go on and on. Don't beat yourself up. A lawn is like a bad haircut. It will grow back. You must learn to care about your lawn. Good lawn habits aren't a genetic thing. When we were nomadic hunters, we didn't give a hoot about how the tundra looked.