Applying for Asylum in the Suburbs

   My neighbor, who's street name was "The Swan",  had a very active social life. Many of his guests drove what were known as "Boom Cars". His friends  would stop by to say helllo and stay five minutes. The swan had fifty or sixty such visitors most everynight. The windows would rattle in our basement apartment.
    I had neighbors who lived above me who had a neat hobby; It was lifting their furniture up over their heads and then dropping it.
    We used to "shark for parking." Like the shark that never sleeps, we would cruise endlessly , looking for someone to leave a parking spot, so we could finally come to rest.
    The reason I am telling you this is because, a few years back I wished to move to suburbia to relieve our suffering from urban blight. We had to present a case of our "Urban Indignities" when we applied to live in the buccolic suburb where we now reside. The tribunal that heard our case granted us suburban asylum. The kicker was the four "boots'' that I had received for unpaid parking tickets and the throbbing vein in my neck.
     So if you finally get  fed up with living downtown and apply for asylum in the burbs, don't leave out the gory details when presenting your case.
   Be mindful  that initially you will find it hard to sleep in a neighborhood without people screaming and car horns honking half the the night.

Due De Day

 What chew wanna due de day? Due de day? Due de day?  This is an old family routine.
    The day yawns out ahead of you like a Texas highway. You have no plan. You have made no arrangements. This is not a bad thing. Anything is possible. You are up early and, being full grown, can stay up as late as you want. There is only the law or your fear of the law that might limit your options. Most illegal stuff, you don't want to do anyway. Most likely, no, you can't have a pony. If you could have a pony ,you probably already do. Go ride it. Somethings may take longer than a day . That's not say you couldn't start something. (like making a monster movie or going into outerspace)
   We had a saying at a boatyard where I used to work. "Oh bliss, oh joy, another day in which to excell." It was just a wisecrack, as we were probably going to spend the next ten hours grinding fiberglass. By a merciful god, I won't have to do that again, but it's a good motto.
   If you find your self flagging later today, take a short nap and start fresh. Buena suerte.(good luck)
 

A Can of Corn

There was a fella named, "The Baron". He was a rabid hockey fan; Year after year, a season ticket holder to the Glens Falls Red Wings. All winter, up and down the I-87, night after night.
I was sitting next to him, fairly early in my own hockey fandom and there is a goal blasted in, at which time The Baron says, "Ooo baby, in there like a can of corn." I couldn't guess what that meant. (I wasn't sure about the difference between boarding and charging. I'm still not.)
It seems you baseball fans will know that a can of corn is an easily caught fly ball. In the old days, a grocery clerk would use a hooked stick to pull a can off a high shelf to give to a customer; Catching it wasn't that tough. I wonder what they'd call it if the clerk beat you with that stick for being rude.

Should You Be a Detective?

Do you have a suspicious nature and tend not to believe anything anyone tells you? Are your powers of observation keen? Do you have a taste for the sordid and secretly almost enjoy seeing people at their absolute worst? Can you hold your liqour? Do you like late hours? Do you look good in rumpled attire and are you handy with a gun?
You are probably answering yes, yes and yes. You could have a future as either a re-modeling contractor or a private eye. There are opportunities galore in both fields. Take out an add in your local paper or yellow pages or set up a website and get busy. You'll be riding around with a ladder tied to the roof of your car peering in motel windows or doing minor repairs by the end of the week. Good luck, and let me know how it works out.

Rockhard Abs in Seven days, or Less

Years ago I went to see a performance by a gentleman who billed himself as Houdini Re-Incarnated. Who could resist? He could get out of a straight jacket and his grand finale was the hanging upside down in a tank of water, getting out of handcuffs and other chains and things.
The opening act was a guy named Mr. Fingers. A little seedy, of an indeterminant age. He did a few card tricks and a few slight of hand gags. After the show we invite Mr F. to a party and, to our surprise, he attends. Politely, I ask him to do a trick. He removes a long hat pin from inside his sporty coat. He removes his jacket and rolls up his sleeve. He shoves it straight through his arm. No trick, he just does it. Garrr!
I say "Golly Mister Fingers , you're the coolest guy I've ever met". And he was.

Spectator Sports

Some sports are fun to do. Others are fun to watch. Some are both . Some are neither. Who would want to watch a guy in a row boat, perch fishing? You might argue ,and persuasively ,that perch fishing isn't a sport. Ice fishing for perch? Watch a guy drilling a hole ,then staring in a hole. Not for everyone. Doing or watching.
I like dog racing, because I have a certain interest in gambling, which to my mind makes watching any sport a little more interesting. I always thought wagering on kid sports, like soccer or t-ball, might be a good fund raising scheme.
Some cheap entertainment
1. Dirt Track Stock Car Racing
2. Local, dinky college hoop or baseball
3. Minor league Hockey or Baseball
4. Hanging out at a boat launch (Yelling, arm waving)

Think smart when you get stupid.

Last night we went to see a battle of the bands in a little bar in Rio de Janeiro. The drummer for The Tree is a young family friend I have known since he was a baby. Okay here is where you think smart, TAKE A TAXICAB. Sure they said they were going on at 7:30, but the obnoxious sound check goes on until nine and it is always nice to see Guinness Stout in Brasil so after chasing that down with a galvanized bucket of longnecks the "Guerra das Bandas"(war of the bands) begins.

The bar was dark. The tables were sticky. The place looked like it was copied off a picture of a biker bar in the U.S. of A., like home. The young people who came out to see the original music played by their friends looked as fresh as the harsh raunch rock sounded. Our friend Joao Joannou, the drummer with The Tree was Awesome pounding the daylights out of the tubs with long hard strokes to the snare and crisp cymbal smashes. We survived the show, me with a huge smile all night long, and the taxicab... It was like a magic carpet ride home.

7 Days to a Better Golf Game

You have decided to dust off the clubs and re-apply your self to "The Game". Good for you! If you never had much of a game to start with, your improvement will be rapid and gratifying. After your first round back, with painful hacking strokes into the ground, sending shock waves up your arms, rattling the fillings in your teeth, and flying toupees of grass, a quick trip to the range is called for. One bucket of balls and your arms are so sore you're having trouble undressing to go to bed to cry yourself to sleep. You've been back four days and golf is all you think and talk about. Another quick nine holes on a short course with five straight balls into the same pond. Gaaahhh!
It Saturday again and a feeling of serenity overtakes you. You stroke the ball like a loved one. Only seven days and you are better.


ps. my replacement bloggers will be posting to test the technology. thanks

Book Titles for Crime Thrillers

   Titles like "I, The Jury" come along once in a generation. Here's a few books I'd read. We'll look them up and see if they've already been written.
1. To Die in Delmar
2.Bad Blonds, Bad bullets
3.Kill Me Deadly
4.Bury Me Later
5.Basement Window
6.Mayhem Pig  (better as a song title, maybe)
    Well, I'm running out of ideas , so make up your own.

Also.....Thanks for the great response for blogging help. We have a bunch of volunteers so there will be all sorts of great stuff to read while I'm on holiday. I'll forward the user names and stuff to you guys and gals and we'll make sure it works. It will be great!

A.P.B.

   In cop speak that is the All Points Bulletin. Be on the look out for a white caucasian male, late fifties , bald ,seedy looking and so forth.
   Actually, I need to ask some of my gentle readers to perform a valuable service for one another. I have a new best freind with a beach house and I will be going on vacation with my family the week of Aug. 13th through the 20th. Without Internet access, I will be unable to write my daily sludge. Will some of you please step up and write it for me? You know, we're all about lifestyle. All guest bloggers will receive complimentary socks from the Global Mills Sock Company (allow six to eight weeks for delivery).
   E- mail me and I will provide the password and user name and you can try your hands at blogging. This will be super fun and I hope some, if not all of you, take the opportunity to help a brother out.

Why Won't That Song Stop Playing In Your Head?

      I knew a fella who would sing snippets of one or two songs every single day. Always the same two songs. " Happy Birthday" and "What's He Doing In My World".  I was working installing hardwood flooring with a guy, a fairly boring job after you figure the layout, and I had the "I Love New York" theme from the old TV comercial jammed in my skull and couldn't stop singing it all day long.  My co-worker was reduced almost to tears screaming, " I know, I know, I know ...you love new York."
    Yesterday it was "If I Didn't Love You" by Squeeze. Luckily no one was around to hear me sing the same line endlessly. It's been hot lately and these sort of things probably account for more than a few murders. The best cure for song stuckage is to turn on your record player  or other music playng device and listen to something other than a skipping record in your head.
   I've got "Hot Pants" stuck in my head right now.

The Latest Golf Fashion Looks

   Golf has a long tradition of sartorial splendor. The plus fours( same as knickers , I think) with the argyle socks and the brown and white wing tips with the fringe thingies over the laces; now we're talkin'! This is not the look of the modern golfer, unless you are striving for the vintage vibe, but it sets the bar high.
    Yesterday, at the club, I saw how hip hop culture has made it's mark in the golf world, as it has so many other aspects of modern fashion. The gigantic shorts, that would hold two or three men, and the oversized polo shirts seem de riguer. Loud plaid is till the order of the day for slacks. I'm already mad for plaid so you have me at hello. Thankfully, the lime green and other lurid colored sans- a- belt slacks have gone extinct. That was a reason to avoid golf all together; all that polyester made my skin crawl. No one looked good in those get ups.
      So if you have been avoiding golf because of  the dorky  dress code, fear not, we live in a golden age of golf fashion. Dust off the clubs and see for yourself.

The Agony of Da Feet

     When your feet are killing you, all the world can seem a little less sparkley.  We have already discussed general foot hygiene.(see  June 18th's post)  Today we're all about shoes and socks. Sound mundane? Not at all. Tell me slipping on a brandy new pair of socks isn't pleasure.( I have the benefit of having my socks mailed to me in bulk from a major manufacturer. The way Smoothstar remains advertising free and the reason  my family has groceries on the table is from the generous sponsorship of Global Mills Sock Company. "Great Socks at Great Prices, Delivered Fresh and On Time Everytime." Don't think less of me for schilling for a multi nationl sock corporation. You've got to serve somebody, as the song goes.)
     Change your socks everyday. If you have to get two days out of a pair , don't take them off. They just stiffen up overnight and are nasty to put back on.  That's it , I guess.

Develop a New Superpower.

        Like Dr X, we slowly realize our hidden powers.  I saw an article about a woman who dies without ever realizing she was a violin prodigy. It was written as a joke but, I think there may be a professional golfer inside me waiting to be awakened.
  If you ever have an urge that seems to some out of nowhere, perhaps (using good judgement as always)  you should act on it.  It could be tap dancing, drag racing, plumbing,  anything, you name it. I have a neighbor, whom it seems, had an irresistable urge to ride a unicycle. The dude got one and had at it. It took some work but, he is quite the sight ripping about town now. It seems there was a unicyclist inside of him and it needed to get out.
    I'm headed for the driving range this evening with my new garage sale titanium driver to find out if I really  have a golfer inside me trying to get out.

The Rest of the World

       Those of you who live in the great capitols of the world know. Although you might live in Paris or Tokyo or Rio or NYC, you actually live in your neighborhood most of the the time. What then is the difference between Pottersville and Paris? If you act the ape your neighbors will know, no matter how big a city you live in. These big cities are not these cold impersonal places they may seem to be to the casual visitor.
   Once you have been kicked out of the two bars in Pottersville you are in fact out of luck until you make your amends and beg your way back in. In Paris, one stop on the metro and you're back in business. More to the point is, anywhere you live will slowly give up it's secrets if you are willing to look for them.
     I found out something fascinating about Delmar, my hometown, just yesterday.

What to do if your parents get divorced and you go from living in a really nice house to living in a tent in a state park and might end up in a crummy motel.

   First off kids, don't worry. We all know the path to love is never smooth. Where you live has very little to do with how you live. When you are grown, all those experiences you have growing up turn to either faded rancid memories, or are magically transformed into the stuff of romantic adventure tales. A cultured life can be had anywhere.
    The public libraries are open to one and all and are free. The great outdoors are just that ..great. Yard sales have everything we need and more. Yesterday, I myself, bought both a four foot long, razor sharp ninja sword, as well as a titanium driver(big golf club) for a couple of bucks. What kid wouldn't want either.
   Change can be upsetting due to whatever circumstances. Uncle Ed once said life unfolds moment by moment. Never loose heart, it will all be different soon enough.; better or worse ,  who's to say ,but different for sure.

The Bitter Life of Lash Larue

   Fame and fortune are no guarantees against heartbreak and tragedy. We often see some of our heroes behave in less than heroic fashion. Celebrity can be a cruel mistress. The movie star Lash Larue is a case in point. The poor man ends up arrested for vagrancy in a Miami bus station after begging a policeman "I want you to destroy me."
     Some time in your life they say you are visited by the Four Fates and they make certain offers to you. Perhaps you will be asked wether you prefer to be comfortable as a young person or comfortable as an old person. The choice will be yours.
   You might say " Gosh Smoothstar , why so serious today? " The Fates asked me wether I would rather be smart or a smart-aleck. I am just wondering if I made the right choice?

Smoothstar's Anti-Aging Secrets

   A question I am asked probably more than any other is,  "How do you  keep such a smooth and maiden-like complexion?" What is my secret?  I never use dish soap or hand soaps like Lava or stuff like Go-Jo on my face unless there is something that just won't come off. The same goes for paint thinner. If you apply vaseline or mineral oil to your face before you spray a whole lot of paint , you won't be scrubbing away at it the end of the day with paint thinner or worse , lacquer thinner or acetone.  Boat chaulks like Sika-flex and epoxy can be hard to remove as well. WD40 works nicely and leaves your face feeling fresh.
  Then there is general healthy lifestyle stuff that really shows on your face. Always get at least four hours of sleep a night. Running is good for your circulation and gives a glow. Consider quitting the smokes and if you must drink, anymore than eight or ten beers a night will have a negative effect of your skin tone.
    No secrets , just common sense.

The Theater Where There is a Play Performed

    We all love Guys and Dolls. We like The Music Man, Hello Dolly, Hair and Rent. A few years ago  I saw Sean O'Casey's "Shadow of the Gunman" and a few years before that Jean Genet's "The Maids". Both were performed at the local colleges in small black box theaters. The performances were just super. I've also seen a local theater group perform Boghosian's "Talk Radio". Likewise nicely done. These sort of plays can be seen up close, with hardworking local actors, and can be had for cheap and are a cultural goldmine. Check the local papers and colleges and see some drama live and up close. It's killer.
   It can, like everything else, go wrong.  Smoothstar himself took to the stage a few years back; In Goldini's "Mirandolina" at the Troy Art Center. Playing Guido, servant to the Cavalieri, Smoothstar's performance was..... riveting.
       Don't sit too close to the front, you don't want to get anything on you that won't wash off.

Rent a Tool

  There's an old saying, "Why buy what you can rent? Why rent what you can borrow?  Why borrow what you can steal and why steal what you don't need."
   Today, I'm off to the tool rental place to pick up an item called a Jumping Jack. It's been years since I've used one but the memory of these little beauties is scorched into my mind. They are a gas fired pogo stick that rattle the fillings out of your  teeth while tamping soil or crushed stone to a fine fare thee well. Sadly, they don't supply a thing called  "A Lob", which is a strong young fella to operate this machine.
     I have a buddy that rented a back hoe for a week . At the end of the week his yard looked like the surface of the moon and then it rained, filling in all these giant holes with water and mud. A few months later he rented a small dozer and filled it all back in. Don't that sound sorta like fun?

Draw This Dog. Draw The Lumberjack.

   When was the last time you drew a picture? Here's a little assignment. With a pencil or a pen or some crayons and a few sheets of paper, draw a picture of yourself. Draw a picture of a friend or family member. Draw a picture of your house. Do all these pictures without looking at your subjects, just draw from memory. Then do the same three pictures looking at your subjects, using a photo or a mirror for yourself. How much different do these subjects look compared with how you think they look? Also, do the drawings get any better or just different for observing while you work? Give yourself a little time to do these drawings but don't overdo it.
     Then take your favorite picture from the whole bunch and stick it on your fridge with some tape or a magnet. Very good. Now wasn't that fun?
   Another really fun thing to do is use an eraser to erase the eyes of person on a magazine cover so their eyes look all white. It looks really creepy . Do that while you are waiting in a doctors office.

The Grand Tour

   Part of every young persons education is The Grand Tour. They set sail or fly to The Continent. There are vists to The Uffizi in Florence , The Louvre, The Acropolis, The Vatican, as well as pleasure spots such as Monte Carlo and Capri. It helps to have a fabulously wealthy auntie to foot the bills. It takes about a year.
   There is also for American youth, an additional grand tour. It consists of a road trip straight to Miami, west to New Orleans, south to Nuevo Laredo, returning north via Nashville to visit Tootsies's Orchid Lounge, the Kentucky Derby and a stop in Chicago to hit Buddy Guy's Blues Club, then straight home. It takes about a week and half.
   Travel expands the mind. Don't deprive your children such great opportunities. If you don't have the rich relative, help them get a crappy car on the road, loan them a few hundred bucks, say a little prayer and ask them to pick up some fireworks for you on the way home.

Join the Club? Are You Clubable?

  We have all heard the Graucho Marx quote: "I wouldn't join any club that allows people like me to become members." How does one obtain membership in the most exclusive sorts of clubs? What are these clubs, and would we care to join if given the opportunity?
  There are the local country clubs; Most come with a nice golf course. Boocoo money. How much golf do I play, must be my first question.  There are the outlaw bike gangs. Not for everybody. There are the oak paneled gentlemans clubs where deals are made and high stakes poker is played in cigar smoke filled rooms and you hang around in red leather chairs reading the International Herald Tribune. That sounds civilized. My friend Captain Haddock is a member of the Society of Sober Sailors. That might do more than a few of us some good.
   We all enjoy some level of society. Start your own club of like minded individuals, build a clubhouse, have a secret handshake. I always wanted to be in an animal named club, like the Raccoons.

Put the Fun in Fashion Fundamentals

    Rather than putting in the mental, I like to strive for fashion fun. Sure, it takes a certain something to rock the business suit. We all have to attend weddings and funerals and no body wants to look like it's Holloween at such affairs. Likewise, some of us must wear "business attire" (read that as suit) on a daily basis. A jaunty scarf or snappy tie does not fashion make, my friends. My point is, don't bother with trying to do much with the suits. Buy 'em ,wear 'em if you must. I buy off the rack, then head to a decent tailor to have them altered so they fit.
  Fashion fundamentals. Jeans. Buy red, lime green ,tourqoise and purple. Band tee-shirts. Unless it's Iron Maiden, stick to obscure bands only you (and other uber-hip kids) know about. Footwear.I like Chuck Taylor All Stars; in red, lime green, tourqoise and purple. Summer. Filthy cut-offs, flip flops, no shirt or bikini top for the gals. Save fashion for cooler weather. Hence the name -cooler. Truckers gimme caps for all but the coldest days.
   Tomorrow, we talk about, "Nice casual".

Mood Music (part 2)

   We have looked at music to get us in the mood for working. Today, "I'm in the mood for love, simply because I'm near you", as the song goes. Before we get in the mood for love, we must meet our soulmates.   
   A weekday at the Metropolitan is a good place to start. Neither of you will have steady jobs ,so you will have time for romance. Romance takes time. Nothing is more romantic than weekdays roaming the city together while the peasants slave away. So after you have met a fellow cultured person and romantic walks have worked their magic, a bit of hand holding, a friendly kiss while the barges slide by, it might be time for a bit of indoor canoodling. Hopefully, one of you has a half decent place to live.
   One of you says, "Don't you think you should put something on?" You slide over to the stereo and grab the first Wes Montgomery record you see. Oo la la.  Invite me to the wedding.

Mood Music (part 1)

     We strive for equanimity.  It is defined as, calmness of mind , especially when under stress. Some music may help us achieve that. Other music is more like the soundtrack for your nervous breakdown. Care must be taken when deciding what we listen to.
     I have worked on job sites where there are multiple radios play verying loud music from classic rock stations, contemporary country, as well as two or three Spanish stations, to satisfy both the roofers and the plumbers. Combine that with compressors and nail guns and drilling and pounding and yelling and swearing and next thing you know, folks start getting cranky. As my neighbor would say when we rehearsed our band, "That's not music, that's noise."
  Classical music is not always the best choice either. Sometimes all those violins sawing away can be a bit unnerving if you're not ready for it. I have had moments when Mettalica's  "Kill "em All" was the perfect choice, or James Brown's  "Hot Pants" does the trick. So, buy a three dollar boom box and few boxes of tapes at the next yard sale, and make the choices that lead to equanimity.

Cures baldness and makes for the comeliest bosom....

   Mark Twain once said, "If a man wants to bet you he can make cider come out of your ear, he most likely can". 
     It seems my blog was hacked yesterday by some charlatan offering a bogus cure for hotness. I am coming to the realization that perhaps everything I read on the internet might not be true. There have always been unscrupulous people, but the internet puts them all in one place, all at one time. We live in a golden age of flim flam, when extravagant claims are made at the speed of light. We must all be on our guard. Although I try to make Smoothstar the most up to date and useful source of lifestyle information, you may have to use some critical faculty when evaluating even such a trustworthy source.
  Send today for Smoothstar's patented lie detector, for just twelve monthly installments of ninety nine dollars, you will enjoy the secure feeling of knowing that you will never be lied to again. I'm just kidding, but you see how easy it would be. We all want something impossible.

Cool down. The all natural way.

  Are you hot?  Are you a hot head? Are you overheated? Do you seem to be irresistable to the opposite sex? Do you get extremely aggravated at the smallest things. Are you just plain old drenched in sweat? If you are answering yes to any of these questions, it's about time you cooled down, the all natural way.
   No phony creams or  hormones, no mood altering substances, no ozone destroying mechanical air conditioning, just good old fashioned  "Keep your cool". Look no further.
   Out of all the men and women who have tried Smoothstar's all natural cool down method, only one percent reported it not working for them. Here's a couple of quotes from unsolicited letters.
   "Without nervous tension or that empty feeling , you too can feel cooler almost immediately."
  A seventy year old reports, "I not only have felt cooler but, I have re-gained a desire to live!"

For a free sample, send 18 bucks to
Smoothstar
1855 Melrose Ave., Suite 99
 Los Angeles California 12054

Will You Wear Your Plain Brown Gown?

Twas a merry time when Jenny Wren was young,
So neatly she danced and so sweetly she sung.

   So goes an old Mother Goose rhyme. Cock Robin goes on to offer the fancy clothes and cherry pie and currant wine to win her heart.
   This recalls a time when I was shopping with a young woman of my aquaintance. Attempting to impress her with my impeccable taste , I bought her a pair of capris (also known as clam digger slacks) in a bold red and black check pattern often seen on mens hunting attire ( It helped that they were half off ; Wonder why?). I suggested accessorizing with some black high top chuck taylor all star sneaks. We then went out to lunch. It twas a memorable day. Anyways.....

I'll take your offer kind, cherry pie is very good and so is currant  wine,
But I will wear my plain brown gown and never dress too fine.

What's your point smoothstar? Nothing really, I guess;  just if you are out shopping with your paramour, don't forget to break for lunch.

Smelly Jelly

  There is a product by this name. Why didn't I think of it?  It is some sort on concoction for soaking your catfish bait in. It seems you take some fish chunks and add this stuff to a jar full and stick it in the fridge. Don't put it next to the herring or the pickled pig feet as you might mistake it for a jellied snack food some night after your twenty third beer.
   We are idea people aren't we? How many inventions and product ideas have we had over the years? You know some folks were sitting their row boat one morning and said something like "Lurlene, this vile smelling glop sure do catch them lunker cats. What you put  in dat?" She says ,"That my special smelly jelly, I stew dem fish chunks in cod liver oil , a little garlic and my secret ingredients."
    The rest is history. Bob and Lurlene are living in Beverly Hills. Let's follow through on them dreams.

When was the last time you went to the stock car races?

  Twenty four, modified class, stock cars get the green flag, which means "get going". On the three eighths mile track, they come alive like an angry beast. By the back straight away they are  at close to a hundred and twenty miles an hour, every dude and  a few gals driving as fast as they possibly can. You feel it in your chest like a Metallica bass solo. I like the smell of race fuel.
   I have heard it said that hockey is sorta like cocaine, not everybody likes it but, folks that do, like it a lot. The same can be said for car racing. Guys wil race anything. They race snowmobiles on grass. They race belt sanders in an old sail loft in Boston.
   So get on down to your local dirt track oval some friday night this summer and have a taste. But don't get hooked. If you start knocking the glass out of the family sedan and welding the doors shut and building  it into an enduro car in your garage, you may end up in motorsport rehab.

Where to Ski This Summer

    Some of my moviestar friends have invited me to go skiing with them this summer. We are going to fly around. There will be those  big arching arrows  all over the globe as we go from glaciers in Alaska, down to the Andes in Chile, then over the Pacific to ski in New Zealand. Then a nonstop flight back to Albany. Whew, I'm tired. It's good to go, but it's good to go home.
   Some of you may not realize that south of the equator it is now winter, and I have heard that the toilets actually whirl in the opposite direction. I will be reporting all sorts of  reports about where to stay, the sights and sounds and smells and specific endorsements of where me and my movie star friends go, and what kind of skis we like, and parkas and energy drinks. So please, all you resorts and airlines and ski companies, please contact me here, and send me the plane tickets and stuff, and we'll make this thing happen. Thank you.