Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's About the Trout.

   Fish worship. We gently fondle the smooth trout body. Cold wet hands stroking the object of our affection, held just below the surface of the water, pulsating in the current. " Yes, yes ,yes you are mine. You are my fish. I love you."  I am a Fish God, a mighty Neptune holding dominion over  life and death.
   I'm getting carried away. Them that care, know that trout season opens tomorrow. A yearly ritual for me. The shaving of the beard; Grown for deer season and shorn so's not to scare the fish.
    I actually went fishing on opening day, twice that I recall. Frozen, miserable, fishless affairs. Snow is predicted this year. I think I'll go. You should too.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Gottagetup. An Invention.

 My youngest daughter and I invented a new kind of alarm clock. The clock plays either an annoying, or a pleasant tone, or can be made to play your favorite radio station at the appointed hour. It is also wired to a gigantic spring that is installed under your mattress, that throws you out the window into the yard. There is obviously no snooze bar.
    This kind of innovation don't come cheap. How many jobs have you lost due to fifty cent alarm clocks? This thing is perfect for swing shift workers, stay at home dads, functional alcoholics, mothers of twins, bar musicians with day jobs, and any other hard to awaken folks.
   This is only good for single storey homes. We are working on a model that throws you down a flight of stairs.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dandruff Cured ! Hallelujah !

  We have a young, heartbroken hipster friend. He's very downtown, very Brooklyn. Due to a intractable dandruff affliction, the poor lad can't wear black. That's not a problem. It's a gamestopper, a catastrophe. I can think, really, of nothing worse. By God's mercy, Smoothstar has the cure!
   A few years back after finishing a punishing plumbing debacle at my brother's house, I needed a shower urgently. Due to the nature of the plumbing work there was no hot water. I hit the shower anyway, it can't wait. No soap, but a bottle of shampoo. After a quick rinse I lather up, head, body, beard, the works. What's that weird smell, I ask myself. I look at the shampoo bottle and it is Sargent's medicated mange glop for the dog. It rinses off real hard , due to the icey water.
    Like many great discoveries. A fortuitous accident. I, who likewise,  had been a martyr to the falling flakes, was cured of dandruff forever. Apply once a year according to directions. Some irritation my occur.
 

Monday, March 28, 2011

Have You Tried Knitting?

  Here's a project for the crafty and the not so crafty. It comes to us from "Revenge Knitting", a cutting edge knit wear label.
   materials
              a whole bunch of yarn from K-marts or yard sale( the gorier the better)
              knitting needles -2
   Have someone show you how to put the yarn on  the needles or figger it out. It ain't hard. Commence to knittin'.  If you are a multitasker, pop on the TV, or put on some rock record. The winter is best for this but, it is a project for all seasons. You can shake the sand out, if you are beach knittin'. What are you knitting,  you might ask ? It don't matter. Most likely a scarf or a baby blanket or something to wax your car. It is relaxing. If you're kinda hyper, it might be a thing called an afgan. Use lots of colors.
     Wrap it up and give it to someone you love.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Keep Holy The Sabbath.

   The image of a dozen monks stripped to the waist, marching slowly in a circle, each with a cat o' nine tails, chanting in unison and rythmicallly giving themselves a stoke with the whips on cue, is my idea of a pleasant way to spend a Sunday. I believe it is what is called mortifying the flesh. Always a good idea. Sadly, most of us modern folk don't have the luxury of monastic lives with like minded fellows that would afford us this type of Sunday. That doesn't mean there aren't opportunities.
    A local 5K roadrace accomplishes much the same spirittual satisfaction. Likewise, you and all your neighbors shoveling kneedeep slush, or any number of punishing suburban chores and pastimes, when done with vigor, and in good cheer will mortify that flesh and make for a holy day.
   Then, take a half a dozen Advils and cry yourselves to sleep. Tears of joy.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Shut That Dog Up !

  The old saying goes : "Dogs bark, babies cry, things break and people let you down." I don't know about the rest of it , but bloody hell I am tried of the endless yapping. I get it, dogs bark, but it is the sound track for my nervous breakdown. The barking, oh God please, please, please, make it stop. One dog barks then the neighborhood chorus of hellhounds takes their cue.
   The dog is a barometer of stress and anxiety. If you or say, the  whole godforsaken world for example, is a little on edge, the dog will sense this and drive that edginess over the edge into a yawning pit of despair that knows no bottom with their non-stop shreiking and howling.. That dog will stand there,  looking down and bark as you are swallowed whole.
    I musn't go on. My dog is barking and needs to go out.
   Tomorrow,  training tips . Start your puppy off right.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Would You Know One, If You Saw One?

   While doing a tile job up in a moderately wealthy local suburb, the lady of the house somewhat out of nowhwere says to me,"You're not fooling anyone;" I'm puzzled. "With your short haircut and your nice manners.You're one of them."
    "I certainly don't know what you mean ma'm."
    "Oh please, you're one of them, those Lark Street types. I see that tatoo and that earing"
    For those of you in Hungary or elswhere, that was at the time, Albany's hipster neighborhood, for the lack of a better description. I was found out as a hispster trying to pass in the sraight world by her estimation.
  At anytime you might be in the presence of a ghost, a republican, a pervert, a slave trader, an aging hippie with control issues, an escaped convict, or a banjo player.
    Mind your tone. Be polite.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Personal Hygiene. The First Thing That Goes.

   Let's say you are having some sort of personal crisis. We all have them and I don't need to make a list. In the midst of our private unravelings, certain things often happen. Likewise a list isn't really necessary. Hair loss, despondency,  to name two.
  If you find a week has slipped by and you haven't showered and you have access to plumbing, there is a cause for concern. Too much bathing causes dry skin and wastes water. None at all ? Go ahead, waste some water.
    I find a moisturizing bath soap to be a great comfort. I can't name a specific brand, but I highly reccomend The Oil of Olay Age Defying bath bar soap. I buy it strictly for the name.
   I know you may be suffering, and the world can look horribly bleak, but if you scrub up, change the u trow, brush and floss, you may not see the sun go down, but you will be sweet smelling. Keep your chin up.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Big Day? Big Breakfast.

   The day stretches out in front of you like a west Texas highway. Endless. Hazards unknown and unknowable. How can we be good scouts and be prepared?   I am recommending what I call the Carpenter's breakfast. In a medium cast iron skillet, heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil over a medium high heat.  Heat up left over beans and rice, or crack a can of beans or canned spuds, or left over  boiled ,baked or mashed potatoes. Something with heft. Also, fry up a sliced weiner or an old pork chop, bacon, salami or the equivalent.. The greasy protein element. Crack in two eggs. Toast something breadlike. Drench with hot sauce. Serve with reheated or fresh coffee. Grapefruit juice cuts the gak. Avoid the can of beer, it will only make you groggy.
   After a  jammin' breakfast like that, even if they decide to hang you, you'll be ready.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

An Affair To Remember

    Your first cup of coffee. The perfect cup of tea. For you youngsters, your first Red Bull. All the other vices will come and go. Caffeine is forever.
   Perhaps you got behind the eight ball with booze and coke, or smoked the weed until you couldn't remember your name if you had to. I, for one, started smoking cigs at six years old. These vices will serve you or turn on you in equal measure. The caffeine is true love. Never the rapacious creditor, it both stimulates and soothes. Coffee in the morning, Red Bull in the afternoon, and a delightful,  full bodied Earl Gray, sweet and lovely, when day is done and evening is nigh.
   I can quit caffeine anytime I want to, but why would I ever want to do that? The Latins refer to Aqua Vitae, the water of life.
       Please, never leave me. I love you so.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Let's Have A Baby !

  Today's post is mostly for the fellas, but you gals might gain some insight into the mysterious mind of men as well.
  Some lads are reluctant to having a baby. I say baby, because after baby number one, the reluctance to baby number two is either complete, or you are so dazed, nothing much matters anyway. The first baby is the kicker.
   Guys ask stuff like, "Will I still be able to go waterskiing?" Of course you will. You won't have to quit swearing, smoking weed, drinking, going to nightclubs, playing in bands, riding a motorbike, building your hotrod, ice fishing or any of those activities you think  being a parent might put the kebosh on. After the kid gets to be three or so, you may have to curtail your minor league hockey habit. All the brawling is a bit much.
    On that subject, one word of warning. Babies don't fight fair. Also, they do tend to help themselves to your money.
   Don't worry, it's a pisser. Have a baby.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Insomnia. Curse or Blessing?

  When I was a lad I would pride myself in my ability to sleep without moving. After striving for a few weeks one summer, when I was eight or ten, I achieved the perfect motionless night of sleep. I slipped into a tightly made bed in crisp pajamas, folded my hands like a corpse, popped off to sleep and awoke exactly eight hours later, everything exactly as it was the night before. A beautiful summer morning with the sun streaming in. Kids are weird and easily amused.
   This very night, I awoke itching and twitching. It is now in fact 3:37am EST. My children are shouting in their sleep and my bride snores happily. I have this quiet moment with you. I'll read some trash, and awake three minutes before I need to be somewhere and it will begin anew. The struggle.
     Now, all is calm, all is bright.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

A Proper Nickname

   AKA. We all know that means-- Also Know As. A couple of great ones. The Mole. Nicky the Torch. The Chin. All kind of gangsterish. It's the "the" that makes them so. Then there's the odd ones like "Baby". Not  "The Baby", although "Nick the Baby" would work, it wouldn't help your tough guy cred much.
   I've known guys with real weak nicknames. The weakest being Steve, when the guy's real name was Al. He was a drummer.
   We like rhymers like Jeff The Chef, and Pete The Meat. Again with the "the". Red Dog is good. I knew a guy named Rabbi. He wasn't Jewish. No "the".
I do love "The Pharoah". I knew a lady named Beatrice, AKA "Killer Bee", she was a barmaid in a roadhouse up north.. Excellent.
    A long one, "Maynard Boogas La'Dairnt". You know who you are. 
   Ooo... "Excellency" would be a good one. And of course,  Smoothstar. It beats my former  nickname.
    "That F#&*ing Walsh."

Friday, March 18, 2011

I don't have a thing to wear.

  Ever have one of those mornings when your whole closet looks so drab and passe'?  The song , "Try A Little Tenderness" comes to mind. "Women do get weary, wearing the same shabby dress."
    You are going to have to dig deep. Here goes. I'm going to dig  way deep today and break a few fashion rules. I'm mixing my sports references and wearing an old Albany Capitols hockey jersey and my rental bowling shoes. Accesorize with a purple bandanna on the dome. Thank god it's a little chilly today or it would be madras shorts. I go with  distressed burgundy jeans. I decide against a second bandanna around the neck and put on my "Love Mochine" necklace. I check the look. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.  For a second I think "Dude, you look like you're wearing the clothes from a drop bin  you slept in last night."
   Then a real thought comes, "Smoothstar , you look fierce today."

Thursday, March 17, 2011

" The Days Grow Hot, Oh Babylon "

  Today marks my first day of spring, when we crawl out of our holes to strip off our crusty winter attire, guzzle gin, and hold our faces up to Saint Patrick's glorious sun. Though we may not swill gin the way we used to, that's no reason not to celebrate with all the foolishness due the season. We leer laciviously at the freshly exposed,  pasty flesh of the opposite or prefered sex and our thoughts turn to whatever they turn to when activated by sunlight. Grr ,Yumm.
   Before you get too awfully distracted, don't forget to plant your peas and greens today. For when your passion is spent and the dog days of sticky summer are upon you, a nice salad will help. You'll need all your strength in the days to "come". If you catch my drift?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Beware the day after the Ides of March.

   I believe Caesar was murdered yesterday. There's a couple of lines from  from Shakespeare we need to remember. " E Tu Brute' ". " Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look." "Out damn spot."
   If you spill red wine on your dress and you care, swab it with either club soda or hydrogen peroxide and say out damn spot .Works on the dog as well. (Stupid joke that)
   If your family is looking hungry and you don't want to be stabbed to death, nothing beats a casserole made the night before. Pop that in the oven and see those steely knives go back in their scabbards double quick.      
   We're busy moms and dads and a stabbing from our closest kin can ruin a whole day.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Mail Call !

Dear Smoothstar
                What is the meaning of life?
        Signed,
              Just Wondering
Dear JW,
      Boy, now there's a question. Wouldn't you rather ask how to keep your souffles from falling, or if it's OK to wear brown shoes with a black suit ?
    I made a celery root souffle once, and man that weren't worth eatin'. Best to avoid the souffle unless your're a pro. Also, you can even wear flip flops with a black suit, as long as you have the panache to carry it off.
   Oh yeah..... the meaning of life.  Uh....Make your own fashion rules ,then break them, and if your souffle goes south , feed it to the dog.
   Dude, you should know better than to ask me.
         Best
             Smoothstar
      

Monday, March 14, 2011

I Haven't Done That In Years.

   Some things, like getting punched in the face or getting arrested don't need to be re-visited. How often do we say stuff like , "I can't remember the last time I went to New York." or "I haven't skied in years." Lot's of stuff that used to be fun, still is. If you have matured a bit, perhaps it may be time to look back and re-visit some of the more lively pursuits.
  For example, I lacked the good judgement to own a motorbike as a young man. It's not necessary to buy a brand new Harley. What the English call an "old nail ",(anything that runs) can be had for a couple of hundred bucks. Also, before you go off camping say, it ain't necessary to blow hundreds at the LL bean store. God made yard sales. Skis, fishing gear, roller blades, meat grinders, ice augers.... can be had cheap.
      You may discover you quit deer hunting because it's cold and boring, but at least you gave it another shot. The local night spot still has loud bands and cheap beer. You can always sell the ice auger at your own yard sale.
  

Sunday, March 13, 2011

How To Work A Room

  You are at a arty, smarty, party. Movers, shakers , media types, artists, models and movie stars. Who do you talk too? Do you try to pitch your monster movie idea to some big swinging producer type?  Absolutely not. It's like asking a doctor at a party to take out your gall bladder on the dining room table.
   I was at one of these soirees the other day. I did what I always do. I find the most fabulously beautiful person there, and talk with them. It's fun. I was leaning in and listening , my hand gently touching Kate Moss's arm as we giggled together. Girls the same goes for you. Don't waste your time chatting up some toad producer type when Hugh Jackman is sitting all by himself.  It's a party. Have some laughs.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

You Are What You Drive.

  I had a business meet with a nice lady yesterday. She picked me up in  a long, sleek, brandy spankin' new, shimmering, silver Mercedes Benz. She likened driving it, to wearing nice, fancy, sleek, shimmering underwear. Indeed.
    I read an interview recently with Yngwie Malmsteen, the swedish guitar god. He said when he has a hard time coming up with a fresh guitar solo, he fires up one of his Ferraris and takes it for a spin, to clear his mind and inspire him. Always a good idea. Hey, I do the same thing.
   Sadly, my main ride is a pick up truck that barely works, has a cracked , patched together frame, overheats,  and has an exhaust system, that is noisy and exudes toxic gases.

Friday, March 11, 2011

I Put A Spell On You.

   Let's talk briefly today about a delicate subject. Much has been written about the love relation, probably more than anything else in history, certainly in lifestyle blogs.
Here's an few simple do's and a couple of don'ts for a happy home

Do                                                                           Dont
Be polite                                                                  Be a total slob
Be helpful                                                                 Be a smart alec
Be cheerful
Be punctual
Be sweet smelling

All the rest you can read about in Cosmopolitan Magazine, when you are at the grocery store.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

"...the swagger of his splenetic punctilio."

   Huh? 
   Smoothstar generally does not have opinions on issues outside his area of expertise. Today will be the exception. I am not a theater critic. As most of us commoners say, "I don't know if it's Art, but I know what I like." God forbid that I take it on myself to criticize a critic. I could watch a hundred plays, a hundred times each, then lock me in a room for a hundred years to write to write a hundred  reviews. Not once would I ever come up with a description of a charcter and make mention of  "The swagger of his splenetic punctilio."
   I guess that's because I'm not a professional theater critic. The fella must have gone to the Tractor Trailer Training and Theater Criticism College. It takes a big truck to deliver a line like that.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

We Have A Winner.

 After wading through the hundreds of poems, our panel of expert poets picked a winner.

Lettuce not forget Cesar
    Lettuce not forget Chavez
        Lettuce not forget either
           When we put Cesar on our salad

This comes to us from johnny ringo of Banning California. Thank you johnny.
You poem will be posted at The Glenmont Launderama until they rip it down.
Let's make this an annual event. Write 'em now and save  'em for next march.
All the others were good, this was the best. Thanks poets

Good Boots

  Other than sliding in behind the wheel of my Ferarri, sliding into my work boots for a big day of carpentry is just about the best feeling in the world. It's not the work. It's the boots. I wish your mom would come over and finish siding this house for me today. I just want to walk around in my boots. My boots feel so good . Nice fresh socks in my well worn, but not wore out, boots. I like the way  my boots look up on my desk. Today I think I'll  walk my little dog, get the NY Post, glance at my boots up on my desk. Make a phone call or two,  pretend like I am someone. At the end of the day, I'll thank my boots. Thank you boots.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Poetry Corner

                                            back
                                       into a corner
                                   snappish dogs snap
                              protect your heels Achilles
                      comes the master with a sharpish knife
                 come to drain your liquid life
            dribbling  in a sewer
       gasping
oi

Wow! I got an idea!
Let's have a Poetry Contest! I will post the winning poem on the bulletin board at the laundromat.
This is my entry. Easy to beat.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Puttin' Da Stink in Disinctive.

   From the company which also which also brought you, "Oh-klahomah Aromah" comes a new frangrance called "PuttinDaStink". With DNA extracted from the carpentry sweat of fashion icon /carpenter/ blogsation Smoothstar, this new fragance exudes a note of a crisp blue skied winter's day, when the wind howls up the back of your shirt. It also contains actual tears, collected on the winter solstice, shed at two in the afternoon of a day that wouldn't end. There are also secret ingredients.    Imagine the effect, subtle and powerful.  A smell that says, "Wow, something smells weird."
   

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Put Yourself In A Trance.

   Todays post will begin with a disclaimer.(Any resemblance to actual scientific facts is purely coincidental. Information is strictly speculative and any use of the practices outlined herein, may or may not achive their stated puposes.)
   Have you ever passed yourself off as an expert in a subject that you really know dead zero about? Here goes. The brain has various brain wave states  that can be induced either by mechanical or bio- mechanical methods. The alpha state, which is essential to mental and physical health, is stimulated by television viewing. The programing on the TV is completely irrelevent to producing these brain waves. After the human mind has been on for aproximately 18 to20 hours and is placed in the presence of a powered TV set, the alpha state begins almost immediately. Not unconcious, but hardly concious. Like warm breezes through the spring willows, or a burbling mountain stream, the TV washes the mind spotless and serene.
   I can't go on . I'm dozing off.
   

Friday, March 4, 2011

We Will Put Our Ships In Order.

  The art and science of boatbuilding is rumored to be the pinnacle of the carpentry trade. The fair curve is it's basis. You look along a curve and it should have neither high or low spots but be fair, sweet to the eye, I guess you could say.
     In actuality, it's not that mysterious. Follow this simple recipe and you could build yourself a boat. It will be fun.

materials
55 Gallon Drum of E-Bond Part A epoxy
55 Gallon Drum of E-Bond Part B epoxy
3,000 board feet of wood
1 Quart of Schlitz malt liquor
tool
15 amp Black and Decker Wildcat Model Grinder

In a large mixing bowl , mix first three materials thoroughly and allow to harden overnight.
Use tool to grind off whatever doesn't look like a boat.
Break quart of Schiltz over the bow and set sail.
Bon Voyage.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

What's That Noise?

   Since the dawn of civilization, the cheap electric guitar in the hands of the enthusiastic novice has amazed and confounded the world. A neighbor once, after hearing the few opening notes of Tull's "New Day Yesterday" a few hundred times at full volume, stopped and offered his critique. He including commentary on what a delinquent and bad son I was. After measured consideration, I went and demanded an apology. He was out cleaning his handgun in his motorhome parked in driveway. He admitted to being out of line regarding my relationship with my mother but, begged that I play something else on the guitar. I went on to explore booming power chords and my patented, "Cat In A Bag" solos. (sounds like screeching cat, in a bag, hence the name)
  There's a wig for every head , an ass for every seat and a song in every heart. Sometimes that song may escape and go on a rampage.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Must Have Looks For 2011 !

  Under the big piles of grey snow, the spring fashion season is stirring. From the rivers of slush, and every mud season, comes that yard sale feeling. Avoid the urge to buy anything in sight at a march estate sale. Who among us hasn't spent too much on a busted ass chain saw or a musty hawaian shirt because we haven't been to a yard sale since Halloween?
  This spring I say, and am saying it loud , Madras Plaid ! Shirts, slacks, shorts, sports coats, buy 'em all and wear 'em all at once. Nothing shakes off the winter blahs like clashing plaid.  I love seersucker suits. I'm a 42 long, if you see one, buy it and I'll pay you.  Buy a Tie! Preferably one with a diver diving.
     Don't forget the camo. If spring comes, can deer season be far behind? (Let me remind you again, never wear  the camo just around , even for yard work, Hunting only.)
   Good taste never goes out of style. Tomorrow we'll really talk accessories.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Stars Are Smooth.

  My neighbor recently reminded me of the Harmonic Convergence in 1987. A fella had asked me to build him a coffin to lie down in on that day. He was, I guess what you might call, a hipneck. He was  follower of a certain Indian mystic, as well as a Neil Diamond fan and  a consumer of a case a day of Meister Brau.(cheap weasel urine beer). We haggled about the price and he decided to just lie down in a hole.
   Here's today's Smoothstar Challenge: Name Your Own Constellation.
Pick out a dozen or so stars, ( you can include your garage light or  planes if you want yours to move) connect the dots and give it a name. I'm calling mine Frogius. Yours can be Gwenyth , Uncle Harry ,Skypal,  whatever. Keep it a secret and ask it for favors.(or post it on Facebook, but then it won't grant your wish.)