The Pole Vault?

  There's an old rockabilly song called Too Much Fun.  It has the line ,"There ain't a lot of things, I never done. I never had too much fun."
    I recently made the acquaintance of a couple of pole vaulters. You might ask where does one meet such people. You're at a bar or a cocktail party and the ineveitable question of "What do you do?" comes up. How often have you gotten the response, "I'm a pole vaulter." ?  Indeed. Suffice it to say that I met these guys, and it wasn't some kind of weird code word for something else. They do in fact pole vault.
   When I was a lad there always seemed to be long substantial chunks of bamboo around . I think they used to come inside rolled rugs.( not some weird code words either) Pole vaulting seemed like something we all wanted to give a try. I guess some men just follow their dreams.

Pogoing to the Ska Beat.

   Let's dance!  No better way to work up a sweat than doing the pogo to a first class Ska band. I prefer the Toasters for my pogoing pleasure. For those of you perhaps not familiar, to pogo is alot like it sounds; a frantic sort of bouncing, jumping up and down sort of thing. The ska is of course a horn fueled, jacked up kinda of reggae-like music. The Toasters went on tour in 1983 and never went home, so they should come to your town sooner or later.
   The mosh I tend to avoid. The metal music seems to get some of these lads a bit hyper. I was at a Hank 3 show in Brooklyn not so long ago and as the hardcore part of the show was getting under way, a young gal used her big ol doc martin boot to my lower back to shove me into the mosh. She said " Get in there grandpa."
   Dancing is fun. No stage diving , no crowd surfing.

What I look for in a personal trainer.

Dear Smoothstar
        I have wanted to get in shape since I was in high school, but never did. I am joining a gym and want to hire a personal trainer. Should I just have them take off their shirts and let me have a looksee and decide whoever looks the buffest gets the job. Are there other things to consider? I really must tone up for swimsuit season and it's already getting hot, so this can't take more than a couple of weeks.
   Signed
        A little flabby ,but cute
           Dear FBC
       You hit it dead on the first time! Just look at the line up of trainers and hire the cutest one. My wife looked great in a bikini and was the kickboxing instructor. Man, I was whipped into shape in no time.
          Yours in sweat,
                                Smoothstar
 
      

Don't Touch That Pipe!

  As a brief follow-up to yesterday's post: here's a piece of sound plumbing advice. Don't touch that pipe. Remember the Stooges episode when they are plumbers at the fancy party and Larry pops up through the lawn and Curly plumbs himself into a cage of pipes up in the bath room and water comes out of the TV.
   If it is any later than nine AM, and you have had any less than eight hours of sleep, unless you have plenty of leeway on your credit card, it is not saturday and absolutely not sunday; Don't touch that pipe. If you only think you know what you are doing ,or only sorta know what you are doing, or your buddy sez he knows what he's doing; Don't touch that pipe. If it's only leaking a little and you don't want it to leak a lot. Don't touch that pipe.
  Yesterday I gave the curb box cover a sixteenth of  a turn and muddy water started flowing up through the lawn. The guy with a back hoe is here now. I gotta go. Remember, unless you are Gwenyth , Don't.......

I got a curb key.

   Do you like to think of yourself as a grownup? Except for perhaps one of my kids, most of you out there reading this in internet land are over eighteen. Do you feel all growed up? Do you feel the same as you  did in high school ? Hopefully not the later.(see:  Smoothstar 4/11/11)
   Here's the day I felt I had come of age. While working on a job downtown a couple of years ago ,some sort of watery problem developed in the basement. Upon looking into it I said, "I've got a curb key, we'll have that water turned off in a jiffy." For those of you not in the plumbing loop, it's essentially a a long piece of steel that you slide down the pipe in your side walk or lawn that turns off the water to your house.
    For thirty or forty bucks I was able to actually purchase the level of maturity I have strived for my whole life.  Go ahead, call me Mister Walsh.

Other Lifestyle Blogs

   I just found out that Smoothstar isn't the only lifestyle blogger out there on the internet. Wow! I  visited one. It is written by a famous moviestar. Her's has more stuff on it like about places to go and things to do than mine does, because she has more time to go and do I guess.
   My readers are too busy to read a whole ton of reveiws of restaurants and hotels in Hong Kong. Although some of you may have personel trainers, I don't have room for videos and long articles about them. I can't mention any of these blogs by name, but if you don't have steady jobs and are looking for something cool to read about lifestyle, try Gwenyth's Goop blog.
   Tommorow: What to look for in a personel trainer.

Fiddlehead Ferns

    There was a guy a few years back who was a wild food celebrity and I believe he died from eating a poison mushroom.
   This time of year is fiddlehead season. For those of you who don't know, you must harvest these tasty little devils just as they break through the ground, usually right about now. They are about the size of your curled up pinky finger and a nice bright green . The smaller ferns you don't eat. If they start to open up, it's too late. You clean off the flakely flakes of brown stuff, parboil them and saute' in a nice virgin olive oil. Don't go overboard with the garlic. Eat them while they are, still screaming, fresh.
   With the mushrooms, go with an expert and even then, beware. If you think you ate some psylicyibin and you hallucinate yourself talking to Euell Gibbons, remember he's dead and you probaly are too.

We must sometimes leave home.

  Today's blog is from downtown Boston. We live in a toney suburb of Albany New York, the state capitol. It's nice. Don't forget, lots of places are nice.
  When I was a lad, I wanted to be a world traveler. I was sure I'd go to Eygpt, Alaska, Tierra Del Fuego, a few other spots. Shanghai, Manitoba.
   I'm looking out the window of a snazzy hotel. There are great blue skyscrapers.
  The old cowboy saying is, "Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt." Go on, move, you're faster anyways.

City Living

   Most of us enjoy fresh air. Some of us enjoy the luxuries of shooting deer off our front porches or great big gardens out back. How do you like running out of smokes at seven in the evening and the nearest 7/11 is a twenty mile round trip in a sleet storm? There's the rub, all that country out in the country.
   We had a place downtown and the neighbors in the apartment above us had a weird hobby. Furniture moving , lifting and dropping,  and screaming.
   Eventually I had to quit smoking anyways. I was living downtown at the time. It was nice to be one block away from what was called "The Ghetto Choppper" a 24 grocery store. At three AM I could go out and get a t-bone steak and a half a dozen eclairs, polish them off, and sleep for ten minutes. Don't worry about how much weight you gain, quit smokin' them butts. The pain goes away eventually.

The world's cheapest used cars.

  You can't count cars given to you by your old auntie. The cheapest car I ever aquired, through standard transaction, would be a 63 Chevy Impala. The guy wanted a quart of Chivas, which cost thirty eight bucks back then. We then spent an evening putting in a water pump and drinking liquor. Perhaps I should count the 28 quarts of oil it either leaked or burned in the next week.
   These days a proper vechicle should be had for about five hundred clams. My present ride, a 95  S-10 pick up, went for three hundred.  Accessories you will definitely need are the foil duct tape, wire and wire cutters, a jug of anti freeze and all other applicable fluids. Also, a mobile phone with a reputable towing guy's number in it. Other tools would be vise grips, and I guess that's it.
  Where's the adventure in knowing that everytime you fire up your car, you are going to go where you're going? If you are over fifty five, disregard this and buy something decent. You're too old for it.

How to make a quick and easy, stone birdbath.

     You will need a rock. At where there are some rocks, get  one about the size and shape of a deflated basketball. You want one with at least one flatish side. You will need a fifiteen amp industrial,  hand held grinder, with at least a six inch diamond grinding wheel.(available at your local  industrial tool supplier for
a couple of hundred bucks.) Commence to grinding. Wear eye protection. Make sure your neighbors have their windows closed or better still,  are not home. This project makes a hellacious amount of dust. Have your significant other work the garden hose to water down the grinding, if he or she is home. Better still, take turns grinding. After a few hours you will have ground, or grinded, a nice hollowed out bowl in your rock. Put it out by your bird feeders, with some water in it.
   Take a handful of Advils; your back is gonna be a little sore.

Fishing for Shad

    When the dog wood blooms, the shad run. Don't be fooled by the gizzard shad. They run a week or so early and are neither worth fishing for, or worth eating. Here's a few tips. If the water ain't clear, don't bother. A rainy spring might give you only a few days of real fishing. If the conditions are right, clear water , a rising tide, hopefully a sunny and calm day and of course, fish in the river, don't even think about going to work.
   You'll need a buddy , a canoe, a decent size net, a dozen or two shad darts.( small bullet shaped jigs, I like red and white and yellow and red and chartruese and white), and a light action rod with six pound test line. Don't forget an anchor and a PDF. A nice lunch. A bucket and a fillet knife. Go up by the Troy Dam. Be careful.
    If the law allows, I keep one big roe shad and maybe a buck shad a year. The roe shad speak for themsleves. The milt can be tasty when sauteed  in virgin olive oil with a touch of herb d'provance.  When the conversation lags at a cocktail party, tell  'em your fish sperm recipe.

On Vacation

 There are as many kinds of vacations as there are people. I used to be a fan of the couch vacation . When the turmoil of life became just too much, I would visit my brother and lay on his couch for a week or so. He always had cable and beer.
   Most recently the family has gone for a week of camping at a local lake. Although the place sometimes resembles a refugee camp, it is relaxing.
   Envy is a deadly sin. Vacation envy is a terrible thing. Everyone you meet is, "Oh, the Galapagos Islands were so interesting."  or  "I'm skiing in Chile this summer."  or "We were hiking in Tuscany and the food was just fabulous."
   Oh yeah? Well that's nothing. I went on vacation somewheres in 1970 and I still ain't back.

Sweet Mail.

  Hey Smoothstar,
                  How about a column about on Twinkies, Ring Dings, those marshmallows and cake balls things?
                 Signed ,  Jimmy
   Jimmy, you  sure struck a note with me. They say you are what you eat. Man, I am a Twinkie. There, I said it. Them golden delights used to drive me wild. I swear they put crack in them. The pink snow balls things, as you put it, are eaten dry, chocolatey inside first and  weird, rubbery, pink half ball second.
  There was period of time in the late seventies when Red Zingers and 16 oz. Pepsi Colas actually saved my life.  I was struggling and took daily comfort, every day, at a corner deli. I bought a three pack, with a bonus fourth Red Zinger(essentially a twinkie, coated in preserved rasberryish jelly and rolled in coconut flakes) and washed it down with a large Pepsi and a pack of Kools.. A veritable freight train of sugar.
   Just last night, I almost went out for Zebra cakes. They have a dandy chemical snap ,they do.
   I want something sweet right now. Who wants pancakes?

The Get Along Gang.

  Sometimes it is written as all one word, The Getalongang. It is a personel policy that can work in any field of employment. Not to pat myself on the back, but I sort of invented this policy myself while working in a boat yard. It would work in a restaurant, a law office, a goverment bureau, you name it.
    I would tell the newly hired fellas, of which in the yard there were two types, glue peasants and grinder zombies, about our policy. In a nutshell, if some thing gets utterly messed up, broken, neglected, lost or stolen, and you are questioned about it's status, after a quick look about, see who isn't around and blame them. I know it may seem a bit juvenile when something is obviously under your stewardship, perhaps you are even in the process of making a bollocks mess of something, to try and deny responsibility. Do it anyway.
   It's not your fault, your parents made you this way.

Money, and how to get some.

  This is a subject to which we return again and again. They say love is a rose. What do they say money is? It's seems more difficult to come up with romantic and poetic metaphors for your money. O money,  where is thy sting, and whatnot.
   Poetry, followed closely by music and the remaining fine arts are rarely big money makers. Not news. There is always work. Eh. Sadly, not everyone is really suited for it. All the getting up and the going and the doing , it's just so, (what's the word?) onerous, I guess. Getting some money from your mom and dad will always remain your best option; followed by (as per yesterday's post) your friends. We don't recklessly borrow money,we just help others spend theirs.
   Ah the hell with it, lets just do some work. Find something that don't suck too awfully bad  and try your best.
    Tomorrow, high finance.

Let's Have a Playdate.

   Is it a go-go world or is it just me? Even without an actual job, modern life seems filled with  important stuff to do.
   The medical professionals tell us the importance of having and keeping friends for our overall mental, physical and emotional health. That depends on the friends. If your friends are chronic delinquents, needing bail money, borrowing your car and stuff  or calling you up drunk in the middle of the night, the effect is the opposite of what is hoped for.
  Assuming you have aquaintance of interesting and polite people, how often do you actually call one of them up and do something, just for a few laughs? We mean to, but time passes. Many of us have busy social lives, that don't count.
   Here's the Smoothstar Playdate Challenge. Call up someone you have met in the last six months and do a little fishing or take a hike or have a beer or go for a run or go see their iguana. You never know when you'll need someone to bail you out. Most of your old friends are tired of you by now.

Would you like to be a Farmer?

  Though not as romantic as secret agent, cowboy, or white hunter, farming is a career choice worth considering. Have you ever driven a tractor? I have and it's a pisser.
     A farmer is a resourceful person. Wouldn't you love to be able to fix a big machine using nothing but your wits, a sledge hammer and an acetelyne torch. You must master every trade and be an inventor. You can face the elements with a firm set of the chin. Those denim bib overalls flatter every figure. Worn without a shirt, or with a sharp white sleeveless t,  for guys or gals, I can't think of a sexier wardrobe piece.
   The only downside is the early hours. If you're not a morning person, skip the dairy farming, maybe growing weed would suit you better. I'm good with beets ,collards and green beans, general truck farming.
   If you have a small suburban lot, rototill the whole damn thing. You can't eat grass, man.

All About Weddings.

   Spring doesn't only bring mud and fish. The onslaught of the wedding season is upon us. With it, comes questions of etiquette and fashion. What will I wear and how will I act? If the happy couple says casual, fellas wear a suit or you'll be the only one not wearing a suit. Same goes for you gals, casual means a fancy dress, not a tube top, cut offs and flip flops.
 How to act? Free  hard liquor. Hmm ? Just because you are dressed as gentle folk, after a dozen or more gin and tonics, your inner chimp may still  make an appearance. Never pretty.
   You may find yourself seated with vague acquaintances or outright strangers. Make an effort, but don't assume your coarser material will be a hit.
   Here's my formula. Your wedding gift will be two hundred bucks if I have to attend, five hundred, if I don't. Best wishes for your domestic bliss. 

I wouldn't go back to high school for a million bucks.

   I wouldn't let Mike Tyson punch me in the head for a million bucks either. Money may or may not buy happiness, but it surely doesn't buy back your scrambled brains or self respect. Was high school really that painful, confusing, and humiliating? Yes and no.
   We have already learned to use the yardstick of, "I cried because I had no pants, until I met a man with no ass." That works some of the time. We count our blessings by the score. Even say, knowing what you know now, could you withstand the systematic and grinding boredom, punctuated by the terrors of sitting stoned in Spanish class while being grilled in a language you don't understand or being queried about sines and cosines for two years running? Not for money, perhaps under the threat of death.
   Some things must be repeated. Mercifully, the Michael Spinks fight isn't one of them.

That which must never be spoken of.

    Secrets and sore subjects. As part of our ongoing series on mental and emotional health issues, today we look into the heart of darkness. What is a life style that doesn't include a periodic stock taking? I'm sure we all have sordid incidents in our past that don't need actual repeating.  Although you may be at a loss for topics at a cocktial party, that is not a license to bare your sullied soul at some other poor guest's expense. Resist, at all costs, the temptation to discuss anything but the most shallow aspects of your personal life. Many young moderns wear their hearts on their sleeves.
    Enjoy your personel stock taking, learn from your mistakes, but for the love of the merciful Christ, don't tell me about it. Amen brother.

Birdwatching. Not for the birds.

   Birdwatching has a bad reputation. Dorky folks, wearing ass pants and pith helmets, white kneesocks and brown clunky shoes, gawking through binoculars, bird guide books in hand.. Fashion aside, birdwatching is cool. Birds outdoors, as opposed to pet animals, are very enjoyable. The tufted titmouse ( an uber cool name) noshing and nibbling at a bird feeder, has a much more calming effect on the psyche than a fist sized, stanking pet frog or an anxious, shrieking dog, my indoor animals.
    There are the quiet satisfactions of a crew of various sparrows and doves,  and then there's the big whizbang moments, when you see the Baltimore Oriole or the Rose Breasted Grosbeak. They are trippy birds that you can't believe are so wild looking. Don't get me started on the humming bird. Dag, that's elegance.

Lying. Bad habit or good idea?

   We usually don't discuss issues of character, or issues at all in this forum, but I will make a slight exception today. They say honesty is the best policy. Eh ....could be.
   When is a lie not a lie? When its a ridiculously gross exaggeration of an incident, at the time, humiliating and painful. It is re-told and made into somerthing you can live with, because it's played for laughs. When someone casts a jaundiced eye your way, as you go on and on about some hooey, face them head on and say firmly, "What?".
    Grant the same leeway to those you meet, that you expect yourself. Keep to yourself the thought,  " Whoah, what a pile! " Just nod and smile.

I ask you. "What is Art anyways?"

   My wife and I attended the Bienial at the Whitney Museum in Manhattan a few years back. Sounds kinda toney right? It's fun to put on a hipster costume and wander around like you know something. The fact is you do! You know what you like.
    In the middle of a white room there was a pile of , get this,   lard. It had been there a while. We're still at the Whitney,  you dig?  Some clear juice was oozing out from the pile on to the surrounding floor. I've been to a lot of museum and gallery shows before and since. I'm here to tell you, a pile of lard sticks with you.
   I had a neighbor once,  throw a actual tub of lard out a third floor window to see what it would look like when it hit the sidewalk.
   Tomorrow, Fun with Clay.

Older Maple Tree Diagnosed with Embarassing Affliction.

  Certain words we never like to hear together. Flat and broke. Small and mind. Ignorant and tool.  I won't go on.  Bed and bug. If you are a maple tree in your golden years, crotch and rot are two of those words. If your maples are in their late fifties, you need to have a peak at their crotches. Trees which weren't pruned as vigorously as perhaps was necessary can develop a deep and rot prone crotch.
   There is hope. Clear the organic matter and chisel out as much rot as you can access. Facilitate drying as is possible. Forget the hair dryer. I tried it, so you won't have to. An industrial heat gun will help. A week or so of nice hot, dry weather is best. Fill that crotch with concrete and trowel it off so it will drain.( I mentioned this in a face book post last year and some of you snickered.)
   Crotch rot. There, I said it. It's no joke.

Looking for Adventure.

   Look near, not far. Cleaning out your garage, if done with panache can be all  Indiana Jones. Don't throw anything with an electrical plug away without first taking it apart. You either try to fix it or at least you see how it works. Put it back together, plug it in and see what happens.
   Isn't that what adventure is? Doing something without knowing the outcome. (Remember Dave's Don'ts. 1/4/11) Some stuff is just plain ignorant. But putting a tool or home appliance back into to service when most hope had been lost, is a rip. Likewise, the "whoah daddy"  moment just before an electrical fire and the realization that even with your best shot, that saw ain't never gonna work again.
   Have fun, but keep a fire extinquisher handy.

Naughty Flower.

  There's a path on a perfectly landscaped estate. Gardeners and laborers have been engaged to attend to every detail of the grounds. A grand event is planned. Right in the middle of a manicured path, a renegade flower has avoided the attention of all, except for a small child, who stops and addresses the flower directly. "Naughty flower" she says sternly.
   You might say, "C'mon Smoothstar, why you dishing up this corn?" Stay with me here. It's a blue,  rainy ass monday. Let's have our cold, cynical hearts warmed a bit. Let's all be naughty flowers today and grow strong and beautiful, where we shouldn't be growing at all.
    Tomorrow . Lawn Care For The Lazy.

Ship Shape

    After  a long winter, your home may be a wreck. Most weekends over the last few months, all some folks can do is hole up, watch TV, gain weight and get blue. It's natural, don't sweat it. A few warm days and some brisk raking and straightening up will have you whistling a new and happier tune in no time.
     Smoothstar sez, "Above all, don't overdo it." The temptation is to make a great big list on friday. Fix your muffler, rototill , get the motorbike out, go fishing, plant your peas, build a bee hive and so on and on. It's one weekend man, it's not the rest of your life. Nothing is worse than a blue monday with the long undone list, and the sad thoughts of  "I'm worthless".
  I'm going to hold my face up to the sun, walk the dog,  take a nap. That's a list.

Make It a Habit.

    Have you ever finished doing something and said, " Whoah , I'll never do that again."? Of course you have, and hopefully, at least a few times, followed your own advice. The other side of that coin is, you do something and you like it it quite a bit and keep right on doing it , on a regular basis. Hopefully, its something like good deeds or vigorous excersize and not beating your head against a wall or drinking a quart of gin a day.
    We all want to get good at what we do. I, for one have the disadvantage of being bone lazy. Let's look at what our habits are. We know the difference between good and bad.
   A hearty breakfast. Good.  A daily blog?  Eh, who knows?

Hats On Our Minds.

   The other day my wife asked me," Does this hat make my head look big?" I said no , but it really did. It was one of those trucker's gimme caps. They make everyone's head look big. That's why we like 'em.      
   When we are looking for a mate, we are geneticly programed to be attracted to a person with  big brains. The truckers cap is sorta like the wonder bra. It just takes what God gave you and presents it in an extra special way.
   I won't go on and on today. Hats are fun. What would your co-workers think if you showed up at the office today wearing a fez or a pith helmet?  Go  a"head", find out.