What a Houseplant Means.

  We have all probably heard these terms either applied to us or to someone we know: Narcisist, navel-gazer, stuck-up, self-centered, snob, blowhard, buffoon, bootlegger and so forth. These seem like a list of defects we might suffer from when we have a difficult time seeing beyond our own wants and needs. 
    The husbandry of houseplants is not only a gracious addition to our homes, but also a commitment we make to other living things. Not all of us can make the larger commitments to pets, and other human beings, right off the rip. Start with a cactus, hardy and hard to kill , and work your way to more succulent and needy plants.
  You will feel the air improve in your home, as your character blossoms and you begin to care.
  We also have a pet frog. ( Not to be a braggart.)

A Most Delicate Subject.

   There is a suburban mom of my aquaintance whose skills and capabilities I find are particularly impressive. Her personal appearance is especially comely, as is that of her children and, most noticeably, so is that of her home. She also has a high responsibility and high paying career.
   I was at her house the other day and I couldn't help myself, so I asked, " Would you mind if I ask you a personal question?"  She noticeably flinched, but agreed to hear me out.  " Do you have a cleaning lady?" Much relieved  that my question wasn't both  more personal and somehow also more inappropriate, she answered, "No". I then gushed  nervously on and on about how lovely her home was, and clean , and wow, and how do you manage it. It seems she can somehow get her teenage children to clean.Very impressive.
  On a related note, someone asked me a personal question the other day. " Smoothstar, would you rather have the sex relation with a fabulously beautiful movie star or catch a really big fish?" I'll answer that tomorrow.

A Schuss,Then a Boom.

  I gotta go skiing today. That's sorta like,  "I need a new speed boat." We wants lots a stuff. My wife asked if I'd have enough ammo when the weight of it crashed through the floor into the basement. I am not a gun nut. I know the difference between a want and a need.
  I can't belabor this idea this morning. Though I never rush to get to work, I do hurry when theres' fish to catch or deer to kill or snow to ski.
 A wise man said ,    " Don't pray for justice , pray for mercy."
I gotta  be going.

It's About Time.

   I have young friend attending Union College and living in a dormitory. You can be assigned a roomate at college about whom you know nothing.  I visited his dorm and met his roomate. The young man had constructed a craft project clock with a small picture of a nekkid lady at each hour and round the clock face, a ramsom note- like phrase, with pasted together words that asked, ''What Time Tits It?"
   Clever? Perhaps, more juvenile and intentionally offensive, but showing a certain imagination. I also know couple of dopes who dug a hole in the yard, lined it , likewise with photos of nekkid ladies, placed a sheet of  clear plastic lining over the photos,  filled it with water from a garden hose, called it a " Picture Pool",  then built a ten foot tall lifeguard tower overlooking it.
   My mother used to say, " Idle hands are the devil's workshop." 

Too Much Fun.

   ''Is there such a thing as too much fun?" A reader writes.
    My first thought is, "No." This gets us back to, not every idea is a good idea. If you are anything like me, you are most likely, a "Fun Hog". Now, I can't sit back and give advice about what you should and shouldn't be doing. What I thought was fun in 1982 or 1972  for example,  might seem foolhardy in 2011.
   The limited scope of this post cannot address all the do's and don'ts ; I can't know the extent of your previous injuries or the conditions of your probation.
   Here's the yardstick I measure with. I ask the question, "How will it end?" If my answer is, "Only in bitter tears". It's not necessarilly a deal killer but, second thought might be advised.

Who's Your Decorator ?

  Smoothstar, what constitutes a gracious home? This is a question I am asked daily. After warmth and security, freedom from pests, and the obvious, leak-free roofing and plumbing, we turn our attention to home decor.
    I heard a beautiful young woman say once," If the only furniture a guy has is a guitar amp , he ain't boyfriend material."  I have a friend who thought three hundred empty beer cans on a ping pong table in his living room was OK. It's not.
   Let's take a quick look at two great decorators, Pee Wee Herman and Gomez Adams. No, your furniture won't talk and there is such a thing as too much taxidermy.  Do make your home distinctive. Your home should say ,"This is Me!" It should say it boldly,  but avoid a shrill tone.
    Tomorrow, we'll talk colors.

Fan is a three letter word.

   If you love your team with all your heart and  more than your enemies love their team , your team will triumph from the power of your love. This is a fact.
    Time will stand still as your favorite defenseman's  rising slapshot makes it's way, like a laser beam, from the top of the circle into the net. Popcorn flies from your mouth into the lady's hair sitting in front of you as you shout SCORE.  Hockey is not a sport , it is a religion. The arena is it's church.
   On game night  we would plug in a light up Infant of Prague (available at most yard sales in certain neighborhoods),open our shrine and blast  Headhunter by Krokus  on the stereo. The shrine had holy relics like Jacques Lemaire's autograph on a puck and a team photo.
  Give all your love and God will grant you the Cup. Unless, of course, the affliate grabs your best guys.

Putting The Pro in Procrastination.

  We've put the punk in punctuality, so its about time we got around to putting the pro in procrastination. We all want to be heroes in our own movies. Pull the nice girl out of the water, right before the shark gets her. She's now breathing heavily and glistening in your sun-dappled row boat and ever so impressed with your resourcefullness. What of the more mundane promises of fixing leaky roofs and pipes, the fixing this and the building that, oi, when does it end ?
   "But you said"  are the saddest words I've ever heard.
   "I'll get right to that in the next few days."  Don't you really mean , "I'll do that before I'm dead, unless I die"?
When is a lie not a lie? When it's a promise. 
We got promises to keep. Shake  a leg.
 

Bring Along Your Trombone.

   If you are anything like me, you may find yourself in social situations and find it difficult making conversation. Sometimes it feels like the cocktail party was almost invented as a torture device for the socially awkward. Weddings, Company Christmas Parties, Showers(forget it), Kid Birthdays and such,  all require social intercourse, often with mere aquaintences, even outright strangers.Without the recourse of two fisted, oblivion drinking, I resort to my default topics of :
"How A Hyena Kills"
"The Symptoms and Stages of Death From Smallpox"
"Invasion of Giant Hogweed, a Noxious Invasive Plant"
So most people would  rather hear " I brought my trombome and thought I'd play a few tunes." Otherwise  it's ,  "....Then the antelope's entrails become entangled in it's rear  legs ...." or worse.

" It's only work, don't be afraid of it."

  That is a direct quote from a fella I worked for once. If you need a job or you have a job,  here's a few tips. If the advert says stuff like:
Must be Highly Motivated.
Must be Able to Work in a High-speed Environment.
Must be Detail Oriented.
Self Starters Only Need Apply.
   Here's what you gotta be. A highly motivated, high speed, detail oriented , self starter.
   I've heard work refered to as "The Killer". "Stricken at work", is how the obit reads.
   What about the rest of us, shiftless , distracted daydreamers? What will we do? We'll do our best, it's not our fault , God made us this way.

A Name For Your Baby.

    After the difficult decision to have a baby ,your next difficult decision will be, "What shall we name the baby?" There are as many names as there are babies. The hardest part of naming a baby is looking at the baby and trying to imagine what it will be like when it grows up and gets loose. Pookie and  Booboo and Snuggy-oogums are good baby names but poor adult names.
    My wife and I were driving down Delaware Avenue, while anticipating our blessed event, and passed both Stanwix and Beekman Streets. We knew then and there our first born son would be Stanwix Beekman Smoothstar. We were also looking at a map of Mars and decided on Crater14, if it was a girl. That just didn't have the right ring to it, but we were having a hard time coming up with anything better.
   You don't want your adult child to ask ,"What were they thinking?"

Ten Possible Side Effects.

  Here's a list of possible side effects.
1. You may feel like a human cannonball.
2. You may experience a tingling sensation.
3. You may just feel like screaming.
4. You may feel like strangling someone.
5. You may feel a certain ennui.
6. You may be dubious.
7.Or you may be gullible.
8.You may burst into flames.
9. You may say "Oh baby" repeatedly.
  Here's my favorite, similar to effect number one.
10.You may be catapaulted into the fourth dimension.

It's Just A Fantasy.

   It's not just the French. Say you are an "older fella". Say you have a vivid imagination. Say you want to write a book or  make a movie or have a pleasant dream. Same things really. Here's the way you pitch it to yourself. I'll blow up a bunch of stuff and  get a fabulous young beautiful girlfriend. There are other possible  themes but, this one has traction.
  We love TV. I saw this in the TV Guide. Tonight at nine: This old French carcass engages in a torrid affair with a luminous blond . Hmmm,  that sounds interesting.
   Sometimes when you take a nap, you have Sophia Loren in your lap, in the backseat of a jeep, going down a bumpy road, on the Riviera in 1962. Then you get in a gunfight with a monster. That's what I'm talkin about!

There's Tight. Then There's Farmer Tight.

  Many of us will either break or fix stuff today. Sometimes, both at once. Many of you may be familiar with the term, "Farmer Tight".  If not. It comes to us from the world of the mechanic.There are two varities.
  1.Tighten it  up ( a nut or bolt) until it breaks ,then back it off a half a turn.
  2.Tightnen it as tight as you can with all your strength , then give it another half a turn.
Number two is sometimes called the "Template Method". Also effective. Both are related to "Whaling on it". One applies the weight of a whale to a certain endevour.( These can be applied in all walks of life )
   Here's my point. Never allow a lack of experience or expertise to  keep you from attempting anything. We all gotta die someday.Who wouldn't rather go in a fiery explosion?  But there's no big hairy hurry either. Use your good judgement. Live and learn.

Let's Have a Playdate.

      I was recently reminded of an event . The Baby Bonanza. A simple concept; Half-drunk idiots are put in charge of small children. In the fairly recent past , when child protection was more lax, our heroes thought if you bundled a kid up pretty good, stuffed 'em in a milk crate, tied a long rope to it, got on the hockey skates, headed out on a pond and whipped the kid around, it would be a pisser. Followed by the requisite bon fire.
  The stay at home parent may search their imagination for something to entertain their kids and the little playmates. I had a thing I called "Musthapha's Sweatshop" . Turn the heat way up. I'd wear a fez and a grimy t-shirt and  pretend to make the kids make hand puppets for the export market.No breaks and no quitting before they were done. The kids loved it. Some moms were a little dubious.

Sub Culture. One word or two?

     What is lifestyle? It's mostly, "Let's find something really fun to do." Here's a suggestion . Visit a subculture. The best way to visit any subculture is to find someone who is deep into it and have them bring you for a visit. Here's a list of a few to try. If you don't have a guide, go anyways. These are worlds right near by that we  might know almost nothing about.
1. Motorcycle Ice Racing. Whoah, that looks dangerous!
2. Japanese Anime Convention.  Ever heard of cosplay? Dress up like cartoon characters. It's fabulous.
3.Bee keeping. Don't rile the bees.
4. Gunshows. Know what cosmaline is?  Bring your bore light.
5.Boxing. That's gotta hurt.
6.Tournament ice fishing. Like ice fishing, only more so.
7.Minor league hockey. Elegant. Violent.
   The list is endless. Be a fan.
 Oh yeah . A Gwar show. Yoiks!

Fair and Swear

 In my real life I use the  f word as punctuation. I have heard it used as many as four times in one short sentence. I have heard guys in a boat shop use it so much that it sounded like the clucking of chickens. I'm not going to tell anyone that swearing is bad and you shouldn't do it. Sometimes the most intelligent ,genteel, and I might even say, spiritual people use the well placed f word. I, sadly don't happen to be any of those things. I'm just a fella with a bad habit. Though my mouth is a running sewer , setting a poor example, my children don't  seem to swear that much, at  least around the house.
   I just noticed, the Smoothstar don't cuss much. In real life, Dave doesn't even notice.
   Real life moves so fast ,and you don't get to read what you just said and backspace it. That's too bad.

Isn't It Romantic.

  I was hanging out with a guy the other night and he thought it was October. Odd.
  That's just an aside. This weekend we have Lincolns birthday and as always Valentines Day hard on it's heels. Celebrate both. Write the Gettysburg Address on your girlfriend's nekkid body while she writes the Emancipation Proclamation on yours.  I bet that would tickle. Don't use permanent markers.
    Here's what I'm gonna do. I have a big old beard and I'm gonna shave off just the moustache sometime during the night. My wife will scream when she sees that on Valentines morning.
   The best way to celebrate any holiday ? I have a pile of scrap wood covered with a tarp in the yard. We'll have a big ol ' bon fire.

It's Fashion Week ! Thank God.

    Without a thought in my head I sat down to write today's post. Then it came to me . I almost yelled it.  "Isn't today the first day of Fashion Week in NYC.?" In our strife ridden public world and our over-stimulated private lives, there is a center of calm . That's fashion. Fabulously beautiful women and men in fabulous clothes. All brought to us in Cleveland to Katmandu by the miracle of the internet.
    Your roof may be ready to collapse from a glacier growing on it. You may have to repair your muffler in the slush at least one more time this winter. When evening is nigh, go to the NYTimes website, for starters , and have a looksee at  what's on the runways from the top designers for spring.
    It's so beautiful.

We Need a Volunteer.

   Some of us may make the decision to breed. The tangible evidence of our love . The child. The other tangible will be, as the child grows , so will the involvement in that childs developement . The day will come when these dreaded words are spoke. " We need a volunteer." It could be an open house at the kids pre-school , it could be a cubscout meeting , or  a sport sign-up night. The list is endless. When you hear those words, look directly at your feet. Do not make eye contact. I can't stress this enough.  The landscape of parenting is littered with  the husks of former hipsters who didn't heed my words. They want you to hurt like they do. A  young fella once asked me what it was like being a parent. It has been likened to being in a bar fight with a pirate.
   My name is Dave, and I'm a sports dad.. I spoke these other dreaded words. " I think our kids have a good chance this weekend."

Methinks m'lady doth protest.

   We are passionate people. We have strong feelings about stuff like, freedom and peace and justice. Big words. Here's a Smoothstar challenge.Not all of us can or would want to stand up in front of a tank or stick a flower in a rifle barrel. What are you going to do to effect the changes you want to see? Say you want to end global warming , legalize recreational drugs, maintain your rights to bear arms or breast feed in public.  Only a few examples.  Those rights won't  guarantee themselves. You may have to take action to effect those changes  you want to see.
  Forget the hunger strike, too dangerous. Smoothstar suggests that you refrain from all bathing and apparel changes until your issue is addressed to your satisfaction. After a few weeks the of the same dreary outfits, not to mention the stank, we can bring the powers that be to heel.
   Put some strong action to those strong feelings.

There's Strong. Then There's Suburban Strong.

   Who's tougher, the city mouse or the country mouse? It's an age old question. The mean streets or the  hard scrabble. The suburbanite is often left out of the debate. What's the suburbanites biggest woe; Omigod ,I'm running a tad late for my daughter's viola lesson? You might say, that hardly ranks with the locust ate my corn or, the crackhead nextdoor stole my TV.
   I've learned only a few things in fifty-six years but, one  thing I know for sure, is that my pain will always hurt more than your pain. So while you are all eating your snowshoes because the brucilosis took your milk cow and the gangs are rumbling up the block, remember the mom standing at the granite counter making a peanut butter sandwich this morning. I can't predict who will see the sun go down.
    Who's the tough guy now? Ask me tonight.

Venetian Gondolier?

 Who wants to go to Venice? Heck ,we all do. It seems so romantic. If you've ever wondered why a Venetian gondola doesn't just go around in circles ,wonder no more. Have you ever rowed a boat  standing up with one oar while singing some fake opera  real loud ? People with you either make out or throw bread to carp or both.
   The construction of the gondola is fascinating from a boat building standpoint. Most boats are painstakingly built symetrically with equal amounts of boat on either side of a centerline . Not so the gondola. Viewed from above it resembles, somewhat , a banana lying on it's side. The single oar rowing on one side is conteracted by the boats natural tendency to steer itself towards where the banana points. Who knew?
 This is more funny peculiar than funny ha ha.

Second Act.

  Who among  us hasn't thought, " I'd like to try a new career" ? When I was a lad I saw a few different career possibilities. Secret Agent. Lone Cowboy, wandering the high plains of Ontario. White Hunter. Arctic Explorer.Ski Bum. After forty years in construction I am now thinking of a second act and this very  morning my middle child told me about a career I think I would be perfectly suited for. Trial Husband.
    It seems it is possible for a woman, or a man I suppose, to rent a trial spouse to see if wedded bliss would suit them.  I don't think the sex relation part is the key part. I would be the answer to the question of "What's that thing on the couch?"    "Oh , that's the mister."   Or "Can you kill this rat?"   "Certainly dear."
   "For the love of a merciful Christ, can you wash a dish once in a while? " I answer " Huh?"
Before you say I do,  find out to what.

Breaking News from Switzerland.

    Scholars from around the world gathered recently in Zurich to present papers, ask questions, answer questions, guzzle beer, ski on the endowment nickle and jog in a new country.  Their mission was to examine the "Hipneck " phenomenon.  Social scientists of every stripe are seeing this new trend as more than a trend. We could have a new generational label , like baby bomber or generation X. Here's their finding.
    The hipneck will clean his or her gun while listening to a Joni Mitchell record. A hipneck will have his kielbasa on a bed of organic arugula. A hipneck might fix his muffler with duct tape while wearing an undyed handknit  wool  accessory . My understanding is this all started ,where?  The Pacific Northwest. No surprise there.
   One  part hipster ,  one part redneck. Shaken not stirred.

We Get Mail.

Here's a small sampling of the thousands of inquiries we receive each day. .I answer each one personally. These are too good not to share.

Dear Smoothstar,
           I've  had this rat  stuck in a glue trap for weeks, so I finally had to just let it go.
Thanks for nothing.
                         Sully
Oops, forgot about that one.

Dear Smoothstar,
                  When are you going to finish my addition?  I know you're in there. Your truck's in front and I can hear your guitar.
   Signed
      Wondering

Dear Wondering
     Ummm,  ah , errr, ah..

 Ok folks,  that it for today's mail . Keep 'em coming.
               

The Importance of Being French

   Certain words just go together. Butter and Scotch for example. French and Maid. It just rolls off the tongue  in such a way that you can't imagine it being any other way. Speaking of tongue , where would any of us be today if the French hadn't invented the kiss?
     When we discussed  proper staffing of the home we touched on the French. I know this next stuff may seem obvious but I'll tell you anyways. If your drywall guys aren't French , they aren't drywall guys. Your fries .Duh. French bikini. French girls,  period, are just like regular girls ,only cuter.
   Next time we'll discuss Detroit Slick, Buffalo Wing and  Albany Slush. How'd  the Brazillians come up with wax? I would have never thought of that.

Not a House, It's a Home.

   The hippies might call it a harmonic convergence. When many aspects combine to form  a harmonious whole. That whole is your home. (The w is silent.) Starting  a new month we take stock and see how the last month has brought us to a state of more gracious living.
    Just yesterday afternoon, I felt that hamonious sensation. Onions were sauteing in the kitchen. A Buckwheat Zydeco record was blasting on the stereo. I was building a fire in the fireplace ( not in the garage).  As I bent down, arranging the kindling, my pants slid off my butt. No one's home , so I don't care. I feel a cold wet nose and a vigorous licking on the ole butt crack. That better be the dog. And it was! He has his good points. At that moment, I am the king and this is my castle.
    I hope you can have that feeling too.