Great Lures with Great Allure

   Take a look in any tackle box.The old stand bys: The daredevil, The jitterbug, The hula popper, The rebel minnow, to name only a few. Want big fish? Use big lure: The big mac(no relation to the beef patty sandwich),The bomber, The pencil popper,The spot. Then there are  the other lures, which I have heard refered to as, stuff that crawls around on Planet Zork during times of high radation. The fluorescent chartruese spinner baits, gadgets with three or four blades, three colors of  glowing beads with jiggling, wiggling action skirts, I wish they made those skirts for full size women. I'd bite  on that.
   When the action is a little slow, you need to just keep changing your lures. Sooner or later you'll get a bite.   
       Under the surface of any water, there are lunkers. Go get 'em hoss.

Mushrooms Gone Wild

   When is a mushroom not a mushroom? When it's the Deadly Nightshade. A few years back we had a couple of big puffballs come up in the garden. One was the size of a human head . The other was bigger. They grew that big in a couple of days. I picked the one that looked like a big ol' skull; Sliced and sauteed in olive oil with some garlic. I wanted it to speak for itself, so I left off with much other spices. What it said was rather tasteless, but it said it in a watery kind of way.
    When we enter realms of limited experience and expertise we do well to avoid the more deadly pursuits. Something like plumbing, except perhaps high pressure steam lines, is not  likely to kill us. The property damage can be extensive. Wild mushrooming can bring death in moments. Excruciating too. So let's use our best judgement today. "Fun's fun", as my mother used to say.

Recipes and Business Names

    This morning a colleague stopped by.  Martha Stewart and I have been friends since college and attended Woodstock together. We both lived in Seneca hall which, at the time, was something like the last days of Rome. Even in the midst of such turmoil, Ms. Stewarts room was an oasis of gracious living.
     While grilling fresh Boston mackeral  together on a hot plate one sunday afternoon, (I suggested a quick lemon juice marinade, so as to let the fish speak for itself.) we were brainstorming business ideas. She suggested Jupiter Construction with the motto "Our prices are out of this world." I suggested a magazine simply called "Living". She thought that was stupid and suggested a magazine called "Walking Around and Breathing and Doing Stuff."  I thought that was a bit long.
    We went our own ways but, through the magic of Facebook, we reconnected a  a few months ago. When Martha stopped by this morning, I steamed up a whole fish for her in one of those bamboo steamers. We both aggreed that it's kinda funny how life turns out.

Misguided Missles and Bathtub Admirals

    I am not an expert on foreign policy. I am hardly an expert on economics. All the stuff that guvment does is pretty much a mystery to me. Therfore I stick to what I am expert in, which is lifestyle, fashion, personel hygeniene and developement, big game fishing and hunting, low budget car and home repairs and tons of other stuff. I wouldn't have been given this blog job if I wasn't an expert  in these fields. The list, though long, is not endless.
     We all know that the path to love is never smood. I am here to guide you and welcome your letters and questions.This just in.
 
Dear Smoothstar,
      What do you think I should vote for in the coming elections.
Signed
Baffled in New Hampshire

Dear BINH
     I think he really is into you alot, but don't let him put his wandering hands all over you until you are certain he isn't going to just kiss you to be clever. I hope that helps.
   Best wishes
              Smoothstar

Shower Gift? How about a Mackeral.

    We are often invited to shower events; You know the sort of party whereby you bestow a gift on an expectant mother or impending bride. There are also the retirement and graduation parties that also have the potlach aspect to them. Many gifts, like punch bowls, fondue sets or blenders, though useful,  eventually end up yardsaled off. Baby stuff is just that. Cash is often relinquished in quantity and the most appreciated of gifts.
   The potlach originates with the  Nootkas and Tlingits, among other, Tribes of the Pacific Northwest, I believe. To be more in keeping with the traditions handed down from these indigenous peoples, we should give the gift of dried or fresh fish at our next shower event. I like the mackeral, because no fish looks more like a fish than a mackeral. Imagine the looks you'll get when you lay a big ol' fresh mackeral down on the gift table at your next shower.           Just tell 'em, "Smoothstar sent me.".

CHUCKZILLA !! The Final Showdown.

      A woodchuck feeds on a diet of geneticly modified crops. It mutates. It grows to the size of a man. It starts to walk on two legs. It goes to a gun show.  It passes the background check. It buys a large caliber rifle. Thank god , I wake up.
    In past years I have had woodchuck trouble. The brutes can beat any garden fence I have installed. They seem to have grown wary of the live trap. I don't want my garden wiped out in one visit.
     Roast Chuck
1 - 15 to 20 lb chuck -skun out
 rub inside and out with salt and pepper, dredge in flour
In a big mamou skillet , brown that bad boy
Roast in a 425 degree oven for 45 minutes
reduce heat to 350, cover with foil and roast for 3 to 4 hours, basting occasionally
remove foil, raise heat back to 400 degrees and brown nicely
Serve with fresh garden vegtables, organicly grown in your garden.
Say a little prayer.
Eat it.

Wash Your Windows

  Of all the home improvements we undertake, washing our windows might be the most neglected. It isn't sexy like re-modeling your kitchen. We are even more likely to paint the living room. Why do we feel sorta blue. Why do feel we need to build an addition. The house seems small and getting smaller. We live in some sort of film noir world. We live in a dungeon. Our glasses need cleaning ; Our windows need washing.
     How much of our word is seen through glass? Glass, cover with gravy. I have lived in the same house for over ten years . I have never even thought of washing the windows. My mother, god rest her soul, washed the windows or made me do it every spring and fall. Her house had a cheerful vibe.
     If washing your windows doesn't improve your mood. Call me. You probably have some other problems that we might be able to help you with. It is why we are here.

It's The Berries

  They say life is not a bowl of roses, nor is it a bed of cherries. But right about now in upstate New York it is coming on to berry pickin' time. There has been some strawberry pickin' already and the local market has the fist sized strawberries that I find a bit off putting. When I was lad, corn did not grow to fifteen feet tall and strawberries were not the size of baseballs. They are now somehow.
   What I like is the wild blackberry and  both the wild and tame rasberry. Boo yeah !! Pickin' can be a  hot and buggy deal. Long pants and sleeves and a bandana soaked in 100% Deet on the head.(The Deet can go into your head and make you woozy, that's how you know it's working.)
   Pick great big bags of the berries. Out along the old railroad tracks is loaded. Make the pies. Eat big bowls with milk . Oh man, have a blackberry orgy! When you can pick six berries, with one hand, in one pick, yeah babay,  gimme the berries, all free,   handfulls,   it's like in  the kids  book,  Jam Jamborree, berry berrrie berrries berries   yeah yeah yeah   I love berries   gimme gimme gimme ......arrrgggghhhh!!!
    Yeah, I like berries.
   

Consider the Needy.

       All we really need is a slab of meat and a cave. That can be difficult to come by. All we need is a buddy with a slab of meat and a cave. To have a friend, they say you must be a friend. So we try to be good company. So while you skun out that nice musk ox, I'll sing a little song or tell an amusing story. You won't feel bad about sharing your stuff. Art and society seem like pretty good ideas. I suppose if you don't like my singing, you could bash me in the head and throw me in the soup. Then you would have an amusing story to tell next time about some guy's latest song that wasn't quite up to snuff.
    So at the dawn of time, we have the birth of criticism and art and organization. None of us alone can eat a whole musk ox before it goes off.  Like wise, some of the beasts of the field can be quite a handful, when on our own, as well.
    I guess all I'm saying today is,  let's get along.

In Our Mailbag

Dear Smoothstar,
         Why don't you shut your stupid -expletive deleted -hole?
      Sincerely Yours
                      Not A Fan
Dear N.A.F.
             That is an interesting question. Sometimes when I get nervous I do find that I just keep right on jabbering even though I have every little worth saying. I'll go on and on about my dog or the kids pet frog or something. I just can't take the quiet.
   Not a fan, spelled backwards is Nafaton, which would be a good name for a manga character. I really do appreciate the letters from my readers. Sometimes it feels like a tree falling on someone in the woods. I like to hear your screaming. So's your face.
               Best wishes
 Smoothstar
         

House plants. Living things in your home.

      You might have only a lawn chair. and a five dollar black and white TV, but if you have a house plant, your house is a home. The spider plant is hard to kill, as are cacti. For the novice, killability should be your first consideration.
   The road to gracious living can at times seem long. If you are a young person starting out in life or if your former life unraveled for some reason and  you find yourself at sea let's say, the aquisition and care of a plant can be just the ticket. Avoid the temptation to get a pet, no matter how lonely you are. No, you can't talk to your plant, at least you shouldn't be. But conversing with a dog or cat for too long can be unhealthy as well.
   Water your plant now and again and perhaps decorate the pot with a marble or some other little toy you might come across. It's a little oasis. As you grow in your ability to give a dang, you will soon see the possibilities of forming other and more complicated and satisfying relationships. Good Luck.

You have been invited to a Gala Event. Now what?

  Everyone will be there. Movie stars, polititians, the works. Your first thought is to climb off your bulldozer, leave the filthy rags you are wearing on and show up and make a drunken scene. You'll be dragged off by the cops, and disgrace your friends and family. Your stupid mugpiece will appear in Monday's paper and your reputation will be further sealed as les'enfant terrible',  as the french say.
   Our first thoughts are rarely, make that never, our best thoughts. Alright, even if you view the guest list as a rogues gallery of bloodthirsty thugs , thieves and worse, put your best foot forward. These movers and shakers, even all dolled up, are what they are, so expect no better. If the powerful are in fact that , you must use your powers of persuasion for the forces of good. This means, wear their costumes and speak their language. When you have the govenor's ear, because he is intrigued by your style, suggest in your most seductive tone that balancing the budget on the backs of the least fortunate, or gunning down children and such, might not always be the best policy.

Are your feet killing you?

   A favorite turn of phrase is " My-   {filling in , offending body part( back, head, guts, etc.)}- is killing me. " As part of our ongoing Health and Fitness  feature , today we look down. At our feet. When the dogs are aching, the whole world can seem bleak. There is the foot massage. Eh , I for one can't really stand having my feet touched. Perhaps, I never met the right person. Go soak your feet. Now we're talking. 
     You hikers out there know the glory of the cool mountain stream. Off with the boots and plunge them barkers in the cool crystal waters. Ahhhhh.... that feels good. Never drink that water.  When a full on shower seems like work, slip the feet out of your Chuck Taylor Allstars, (which you wear with no socks and smell like something from hell) sit on the edge of the tubby and let the faucet flow. Wiggle the toes. Moan with pleasure.
  If tonight is date night, in your bucket, add a bit of Clorox to the water. It will freshen.

Summer Fun

     As the summer presents itself we ask, like Tarzan" What do with time?"  Paint house? Absolutely not !!Anything with scraping, pounding ,digging, drilling, hacking or wacking falls under topics other than fun.
   Let's enjoy our families and what remains of our vigor. We live about three hours from a bordering state which has lax fireworks laws. Job one, is make sure you have plenty of works for the fourth of July. Take the family on a shopping spree. Give  'em a hundred bucks and a shopping cart and turn 'em loose in a fireworks warehouse. That's fun. The  town pool is always fun. Don't forget the shades dads, in case the BQ is high(Bikini Quotient). That's fun. But wait,there 's more.
    Hiking, fishing, swimming, nice music, sunshine, friends and frolicking, let's not let this summer slip by, working our ignant asses off like we're gonna live forever and have fun after we're dead somehow.

Perfect Pudding Everytime

   We live in a golden age. My moms, god rest her soul, had alot of good qualities. Sadly, her pudding skill wasn't one of them. Those were the days when pudding was brought to a milk curdling boil and served with a leathery skin. Boy, don't that sound appetizing. Another family favorite was the "Fish Eyes and Glue". Also know as tapioca pudding, this gummy concoction was an acquired taste let's say , to be kind. Egg custard, as served in my childhood home, also sported the "leathery skin'', this time hiding a yellowish eggy slime. Whoah,  kinda early in the day for these descriptions !
   Fast forward to 2011. At your local market, the pudding aisle, in little boxes , no cook, delicious pudding abounds ! Don't buy pudding in a can. Stuff like so-callled "Indian Pudding" in a can is an abomination. Resist any chilled pudding products. Too much plastic.
   Open box, mix with milk , chill and enjoy.    Perfect,      just like life.

What a Doctor Says

   Sometimes called Croakers, Quacks, Sawbones, Witch Doctors and worse , the medical profession comes under a certain amount of fire. It is called one of the caring professions, which along with Plumbing, Car Sales and  Songwriting  are sometimes viewed as necessary evils, but try living without them. Try calling the cops for example, when you have a water heater go bad, a pain in your kidney or need a love song to make everything ok.
  We have looked at the health care system. (See smoothstar archive post from Wed Jan.5th.) Today let's really put a face to it. When the Doctor sits close to you to tell you something, you are as good as dead. If he actually touches your arm in a comforting way, forget it. What you want  him or her to do is look over their glasses, shake their heads in scorn and tell you to stop wasting their time. "No, I'm am not your drug dealer, and these symptoms are some aberration or stupid ploy." Thank god,  we say!
   If you are feeling unwell today, buy a new car. You'll either never live to pay for it or who cares if your credit is shot, none of us live forever.

WOW! POW! NOW! Interior decorating secrets of the pros.

      Good taste has very little to do with making your home an exciting place to live. Expressing your own personal style means pulling out all the stops and letting your imagination run wild.  Here are the secrets that have been told to me by professional decorators.
1. Large taxidermied heads like moose and elk require  a minimum of twelve foot ceilings.
2. Orange couch...blue floor.
3. Hang stuff from your ceilling.
4. Juxtopose your textures. Chrome with leather. Chrome with shag. Chrome with wooliness.
5. Chromed anything adds shininess.
6. Dart boards aren't just for the rec room anymore.
7. Throw away all magazines and newspapers over a month old.
8. No such thing as too much taxidermy.(You don't necessarliy have to shoot the poor things, buy 'em at yard sales.)
9. Remember, you are adults, and fellas, no motorbikes in the house.
   So let yourself go, but use good judgement. Nothing too pokey.

That Exquisite Hour

     When all seems as it should be. Looking out at an early summer rain through a screen door. A certain favorite song on the stereo. Not a thought in yer head; neither bitter or sweet. Or out past Buffalo headed west, it's road trip dope, nothing but semis and sky and the whine of decent tires.
     The swami can summon that feeling anytime he wants.Why can't we ? Because our minds are clouded. There is a burr under our saddles. Whenever our interior voice keeps repeating, mostly the f word, but also  the old "he said ,she saids". I, for one, like to argue with the invisible man or worry, thus affording myself the opportunity to suffer the same pain many times over.
 This monday morning I'm going to take this short moment and .......
              consider the whipoorwill
              who neither reaps nor sows
              nor packs a lunch
              as the saying goes

(Geez smoothstar what did you have for breakfast?)

Beekeepers. Sorta Like Fishermen.

  The fisherman asks, " Doin any good ? " and  "What are you using?". No matter what you tell him his answer is always the same. "Are you kidding  me? One, you should have been here yesterday and two, unless  you are using the Wombley's Mammer Jammer with the frog finish in the one and three quarter ounce  size, which they no longer make, but I have the world's  remaining supply and I wouldn't give you or sell you one, even if this was the last day of the universe, you might as well  have stayed home."
    When you meet a beekeeper and tell him of your newly started hive, his or her first question will be, "You did  install The Underhanging Snogwogglian device didn't you?"  No matter what you tell him, you either installed  it wrong or if you didn't install one, or never heard of such a thing,  you might as well have poured napalm into your hive.
    If you meet a person who is both a fisherman and a beekeeper  ,dude, you are in the presence of a god on earth.

Planning The Perfect Picnic

   This is more about the perfect cook-out, but that didn't have the alliterative quality.The cook-out dates back to prehistoric times and is our most important human activity. It is what separates us from the beasts. More so than even the spoken or written word, fire and meat bring people together like nothing else.
   For the cave man, those two ingredients (fire meat) were all it took for a successful cook-out. Modern man has developed the pot-luck, so the appetizer, the salad and  the desserts soon followed. Fermentation, brought the hollerin' and eventually , the cops.
    Civilization and suburbanization are wonderful things. Let's not forget our history this summer season. We wear white and sip chablis and smile at one another and chat about the kids and the real estate and the excersise. Not that long ago, we chased that antelope down across the savannah and sent out the call for the jello salad with the mini marshmallows.

Put on Your Party Face.

   It's friday and we are in the middle of party season. Graduations, weddings, retirements, holiday cookouts, this time of year is loaded with social intercourse. Perhaps as young people, these events are ocasions for mass consumption of mind altering substances. Just because hard liquor is offered free, shouldn't necessarily mean you should drink more than a dozen cocktails. Limit yourself to twelve and most serious problems will be avoided. The problem is keeping track. If you are also hitting the stun weeed , make that number, ten.
     Even if your two fisted drinking days are behind you, getting your mind right is still important for social events. If you start out saying, "I'd rather take a hard beating, than go to this stupid wedding", all is lost. Parties are fun. Repeat after me . Parties are fun. Put a smile on you face. Have a plate of deviled eggs in your hands and wade ride in. Talk to people you don't know. If the convesation lags, tell them the hyena story.
 

Let's Go Shopping !

  A wise woman once said, "If it's not half off, it's not on sale."
  Other than tools and fishing gear, guitars and motorbike stuff, we love to shop for women's clothes. Not for my self, but for actual women. We hate shopping for our own clothes. Don't all you guys and gals out there love going out with a girlfriend and buying clothes for her? Of course you do.
    If I am shoppping for myself, I end up with tourquoise jeans and dog fight shirts, because they were so cheap. Just like me. I love browsing through racks of closeout frocks and saying stuff like, "Oo babay this is so you , try it on."
   Every now and then you find a cute little skirt or top or something  and your friend or loved one actually loves it and wears it. Nothing more satisfying . You say to yourself . " Dag,  I got good taste."

Fashion Tips for Teens

  There are no fashion decisions you will make in life as important as what to wear to school.  On any given day,  a poor fashion choice can leave you bloodied and or maladjusted  for life. As a lad I wore a swirling blue floral hawaian shirt with a pair of madras bermuda shorts and high top black chucks to the Bethlehem Junior High; Something an elderly homeless person might wear on the streets of Pompano Beach Florida.  It's a look only someone with my panache can pull off . (or someone so drunk they have lost all pride) I still can rock the plaids like nobody's bidnis.
   Kids, listen carefully to the Smoothstar. There is nothing these logo wearing "popular kids" can say that can harm you. They are dressed like low rent realtors.  Consider the source.
       Make your own fashion rules................      then break them.

Catalogs and Chickens

   We sometimes get two ideas at once, or so close one after another, that they seem like at once.
   I get janitorial supply catalogs and farm equipment catalogs. I'm not that interested in rug cleaning chemicals, but I find hog and poultry feeding gear fascinating. Motorsport enthusiasts have the thing called "bench racing' where they gaze at their machinery and dream about going fast. The farm catalogs bring about a state called "bench farming". I live in a little ranch house on a cul de sac. Where to put my hog barn isn't a pressing issue. Wether to use  two spout, double pen, hog watering spigots is an even less pressing issue.
    For about a hundred and eighty bucks I could buy an egg incubator  and hatch 48 chickens at a time. Then I'll need the brooder and the nipple drinker. That's too many chickens.
   For some folks, a pen full of chickens and a can of beer and a fence to lean on, is about as close to heaven as they will ever get. It's like a big smelly TV.

Stage Names, Aliasis, Nom de Plumes

   The names we give ourselves are different from nick names, which are typically given by others. Often, for business purposes, we find that using names other than our actual ones gives a better vibe. In Hollywood the stage name was a common practice. Cary Grant and Dorothy Lamour, for example, are names their mamas never gave them.
   Here are a few of the names that I have used myself.
Ruff Manley- For my line of Adirondack based,  health and home care products, including the Saranac Tickler(patent pending) Shampeee (patent pending) and a line of flannel hawaian shirts.
Demi Velour- Although I never got it off the ground, it was my drag queen name for a traveling drag show to be called Queens Farm Dairy, bringing quality drag shows into the hinterlands.
Moe Thunderbird - A name I used as a food and wine columnist for an artzine called The Screed.(Also used when I played with a combo called The Sniffing Dog Revue)
Dave Schodack-Private eye
Swirlin Eddy- Rhythmn guitarist for a sort of low-fi Americana combo, The Bushmen.
    Make up your own stage name today. It's fun.

CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM !

     Most of you readers out there are full grown . It's about time you started to act that way. Your room is a pig sty. How can you find anything in that mess?  No wonder you are flunking half your classes! I'll treat you like a an adult ......blah blah blah and so forth .  Your mom isn't going to be around to pick up after you forever.
    This morning I look around the room where I do my thing (I'm reluctant to call it an office or a studio or anything a real person would have) and I feel shame. It is knee deep in tool catalogs, half written songs, empty boxes, skiing gear, barbells, busted tools, and banna peels and comic books. I wish my mom was alive.
    I'll have to staighten up tomorrow, as I have too much to do  today. I'll do those things while cursing the darkness. Tomorrow. Clean up your car.

Say it with flowers lads.

   Ordinarily I like to address all genders. Today's posting I will direct to the men. Has Mother's Day already past? I know it's in the spring sometime. Sadly, my mom is with Elvis, so I loose track. I'm not sure if I should count the mothers of my children or only my own mother. I'm getting off the point here.
      Nothing jazzes up any love relation like a gift of flowers. If your moms is still alive, give her some flowers today. Even if your girlfriend isn't pissed at you, give her some flowers today. If you have an old auntie you haven't seen in years, give her the flowers. She might remember you in her will, who knows. Don't give flowers to any avid gardener who has a yard full of the things. You'll just seem stupid.
   A couple of bucks at the grocery store for a few carnations and  you lift yourself above the level of thoughtless brute. A wiser investment  you cannot make.
  
  

Feeling wistful? Make a dump run.

  Anomie. Angst. In a swoon. Just plain pissed. At the end of your rope. Call it whatever you want, even the most well adjusted of us get a tad wistful now and again. There are plenty of ways to pull ourselves out of a funk. Obilvion drinking rarely helps, but should not necessarily be ruled out.
   When the world is too much with me, I load up my pick-up with busted ass stuff; hardened bags of concrete, the last dog's doghouse, the mailbox my brother in law ran over; Stuff that even third worlders couldn't find a use for but, is somehow in my yard. I take it to the dump. As I heave it on  the pile, I say to myself,  " Goodbye busted stuff, goodbye crummy attitude, hello new shining day of joy."
   It helps if your landfill or transfer station is scenic and sweet smelling, but even a hellhole like the Colonie Landfill with it's steaming piles of contract garbage, does the trick. They have great big steel wheeled loaders. It's what the whole world will be like in the the year 2021. Oops, a negative thought.

Domestic Bliss

    There are many false starts on the road to happiness. They say the path to love is never smood. By following a few of my relationship secrets we can have more harmonious love relations. "What makes you such an expert?" Some of you might ask. Having a lifestyle blog gives me that expertise.
    Here goes.
1.Mind your tone. Sarcasm and wise ass comments are great for  dealing with children, less so for your loved one.
2. Try not to repeat yourself. (I actually think I already wrote a posting about this stuff)
3.When blowing money on your own selfish pleasures, keep it on the down low. If you don't show me your new fly rod, I won't show you my bar bill.
4.Do things together, like washing the car. It can be fun.
5.Laugh at each other's jokes.(see #2)
    Follow these simple tips and domestic bliss will be yours. Check the archives. I think there may be more good advice. There may be more good advice from Smoothstar.

Quit Smoking Tomorrow.

   Smoking  is a filthy habit that I, for one, sorely miss.  Due to a graveyard cough, I was forced to quit a number of years ago. It is not a joke about quiting tomorrow. I quit on new years day, but I stayed up until almost dawn smoking madly as it wasn't new years day until I went to sleep and woke up.
    I had weird ideas after I quit. I thought I should shave my head and get a tattoo of a fly on my scalp. I had difficulty driving a car and would occaisionally park on the side of the freeway and weep. One night, when I couldn't sleep, I walked to the all night market and bought six eclairs. Ate 'em all, then went back and bought a 2 lb t-bone steak, fried it , ate it all.
   If you need to quit the butts, do so tomorrow. You may get fat as a house (I did). Eventually the swelling goes down and you will be back to normal, such as it is. It gets so painful, it is humorous. Then you are free.