No, it's not what's for lunch. It translates roughly from the Latin as "blank slate". Everyday we get to scritch a little something that ends up being our lives. What's that other Latin thing you always hear? Oh yeah . Carpe diem . I was seizing the day on saturday and making my mark on the blank page that was january 29, 2011. Only in hindsight can I evaluate the quality of my effort. I'll monday morning QB it for you.
Slept late. Big breakfast. Schlepped groceries.Lunch .Nap. Dinner. Horror movie. Sleep. It was one of those days when I feel I will live forever, so what's the big hairy hurry. My favorite line from the old westerns is "Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt."
Today, I might decide to get married , apply to medical school, start my novel ,write a hit song, invent a million dollar haircare product and land on mars. I'll also have the tabouli salad for lunch and wake me around three.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Best Innovations of 2011
We're not even out of January and this promises to be a watershed year. Here's a must get. You have a photo imprinted on a sweat suit or some jammies or even a business suit, of your own actual nekkid body. Back ,front, sides ,top and bottom , if you catch my drift. No airbrushing out the nasty bits. The company we're gonna call "Imagine That" and I'm looking for investors. Allright, it's just an idea I had yesterday ,but I think it's a good one. There have been others, but not this year. With the internet you find out quickly what's been done. Lives of the Saints trading cards. Already done. Crocheted condoms ,done. Flannel Hawaian shirts , available.
Those of you who know me well have heard about this product idea. A hair care product. Shampee. Not been done. I'll tell you all about it, maybe tomorrow.
Anyone wanna swap a Saint Anthony rookie card for a Saint Genero in mint condition ?
Those of you who know me well have heard about this product idea. A hair care product. Shampee. Not been done. I'll tell you all about it, maybe tomorrow.
Anyone wanna swap a Saint Anthony rookie card for a Saint Genero in mint condition ?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Read 'em and weep.
Two things I never like to do while the sun is out are listening to jazz and gambling. Gambling teaches a lesson and sometimes a harsh one at that. Not every idea is a good idea . There is no worse feeling than the realisation that you have been both greedy and foolish.
Here's an example of sound financial planning. You are twenty four and your wife is eighteen and pregnant. You are newly and happily married. The marriage event produces a small windfall of cash, say fifteen hundred bucks. In dog racing , eight dogs run and three finish in the money. Other than a sunday matinee, it's run at night. What could go wrong?
Words we never want to speak. " I lost my shirt at the dog track."
Here's an example of sound financial planning. You are twenty four and your wife is eighteen and pregnant. You are newly and happily married. The marriage event produces a small windfall of cash, say fifteen hundred bucks. In dog racing , eight dogs run and three finish in the money. Other than a sunday matinee, it's run at night. What could go wrong?
Words we never want to speak. " I lost my shirt at the dog track."
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sweat,Sweat, Sweat,Until You're Soaking Wet.
It's a dirty word. Exercise. At the age of thirty-five you will be shown two paths. Down one path you get weaker. Down the other, stronger. Up until that point (of course the fates can take you at any time) you can pretty much live anyway you want. Indulge all filthy pleasures. Then as the worm does , it starts to turn.
I won't go on and on. I have one question. " Do you want to end up, and I mean soon, a total carcass?"
Of course not. Here's what I do. I put "Kill 'Em All" by Metallica on the Ipod. I force my self to go for a run.
You don't have to be all cheerful, gee this is fun. Who wants to look in the mirror and see Nixon. Not you, not I.
I won't go on and on. I have one question. " Do you want to end up, and I mean soon, a total carcass?"
Of course not. Here's what I do. I put "Kill 'Em All" by Metallica on the Ipod. I force my self to go for a run.
You don't have to be all cheerful, gee this is fun. Who wants to look in the mirror and see Nixon. Not you, not I.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Your Signature Style.
You've always made your own fashion rules , now break them. Here's my twelve rules.
1.Plaid Pants. Plaid Shirt
2.Jammies . Not just for sleeping.
3.Pull up your pants. Crack kills.
4.No more than three days per shirt. (two, if it'summer or you sleep in it.)
5.Never pay retail , except for work boots.
6.Hawaian shirt, plaid shorts.
7.Red and green, not just for Christmas.
8.Wear a hat! You're bald.
9. Never wear a robe after 3pm. Indoors or out.
10.Camo for hunting only. It makes you look like a maniac.
11.Hockey jerseys for hockey only.
12.If the Village People would wear it , I would too.
Remember three words . Wow. Pow. Now.
1.Plaid Pants. Plaid Shirt
2.Jammies . Not just for sleeping.
3.Pull up your pants. Crack kills.
4.No more than three days per shirt. (two, if it'summer or you sleep in it.)
5.Never pay retail , except for work boots.
6.Hawaian shirt, plaid shorts.
7.Red and green, not just for Christmas.
8.Wear a hat! You're bald.
9. Never wear a robe after 3pm. Indoors or out.
10.Camo for hunting only. It makes you look like a maniac.
11.Hockey jerseys for hockey only.
12.If the Village People would wear it , I would too.
Remember three words . Wow. Pow. Now.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Proper Mop.
The questions I am asked more often than any are, " How often do I have to mop?" and "Is it possible to have too many hats ,gloves and shoes?" The answers I give are never and no.
A quick look in my closet , well, not an actual closet but a pile in the corner , always gives me a tingle. I got a couple of pairs of cons, python skin cowboy boots, rental shoes from a sixties bowling alley, well worn docs, I won't go on, all you gals and fellas know what I mean. We simply love shoes.
About that other thing. I asked the kid and she said "Every two weeks." My electrician came home early once and caught his girlfriend cleaning the bathroom. He asked, " Are we moving out ?"
Take your boots off in the house. Show some consideration. Your cleaning staff shouldn't have to be mopping all the time. Tip them generously at the holidays.
A quick look in my closet , well, not an actual closet but a pile in the corner , always gives me a tingle. I got a couple of pairs of cons, python skin cowboy boots, rental shoes from a sixties bowling alley, well worn docs, I won't go on, all you gals and fellas know what I mean. We simply love shoes.
About that other thing. I asked the kid and she said "Every two weeks." My electrician came home early once and caught his girlfriend cleaning the bathroom. He asked, " Are we moving out ?"
Take your boots off in the house. Show some consideration. Your cleaning staff shouldn't have to be mopping all the time. Tip them generously at the holidays.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
No Soap.
The term is , best left to a professional. Best, yes, but second best is often good enough and can be lots of fun. Let's make a quick checklist. If it goes south somehow, will it seriously harm you or others? How seriously? Even professionals can overestimate their prowess. I knew a dentist and, I kid you not, he attempted to do a root canal on himself. Do you have any hope at all for a favorable result? Check list done , let's get started.
Do it yourself dentistry is just plain ignorant. Let's start with something easier. Make your own soap. You drip some lye( a caustic chemical, but mild), render some fat, whatever that means and combine. I tested mine on the dog. It looked kinda like gravy. If a dog eats it , it's not soap. It was a fun project.
Oh yeah, related to checklist item #1. Is there a risk of fire or explosion? Not necessarily a deal killer. Go on, do it yourself.
Do it yourself dentistry is just plain ignorant. Let's start with something easier. Make your own soap. You drip some lye( a caustic chemical, but mild), render some fat, whatever that means and combine. I tested mine on the dog. It looked kinda like gravy. If a dog eats it , it's not soap. It was a fun project.
Oh yeah, related to checklist item #1. Is there a risk of fire or explosion? Not necessarily a deal killer. Go on, do it yourself.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Spoil the Child.
Have you heard the term extreme parenting bandied about lately? Trends are exactly that . They come and they go. My grandmother kept a cat of nine tails hanging in the kitchen of my dad's childhood home. Granted, it was the Bronx in 1922 still, I can't imagine my sweet little white haired granny flogging anyone. It must have been a trend. My mom never resorted to such a thing . God knows we deserved it.
2011.Though we seem to have given up on the whip, some of these CIA developed, psych tortures seem to be coming into vogue. Don't fall for it. Best to mostly ignore your kids. They are just short people that live towards the back of the house. You ask "How's school?" They say "good." It's called communication . Don't get all carried away with it.
2011.Though we seem to have given up on the whip, some of these CIA developed, psych tortures seem to be coming into vogue. Don't fall for it. Best to mostly ignore your kids. They are just short people that live towards the back of the house. You ask "How's school?" They say "good." It's called communication . Don't get all carried away with it.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Super Separates. Mix and Match.
Every story my buddy The Delinquent tells, starts and ends the same. " I was doin' coke and smokin' weed , and drinkin' beers". The story ends with , " And then the cops had me on the ground. " The middlle parts change a little. "We were at a blue oyster cult concert." Or " We went to see this chick at this trailer park" Or "This guy gets hit by this tractor trailer , Oh man I couldn't believe it."
How does this relate to this years fashion sensibility?
The dude always wears a heavy, red and black checked wool shirt jac over a black zip up hoody ,with the hood pulled up. Accessorize with some shades from the hardware store. Its a look I'm seeing everywhere this winter season.
High fashion has often taken it's inspiration from the street. Tell your own story . Be fashion forward.
How does this relate to this years fashion sensibility?
The dude always wears a heavy, red and black checked wool shirt jac over a black zip up hoody ,with the hood pulled up. Accessorize with some shades from the hardware store. Its a look I'm seeing everywhere this winter season.
High fashion has often taken it's inspiration from the street. Tell your own story . Be fashion forward.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Can I Freshen That Up For You?
And you feel as if you're drowning in a sea of cheap perfume.
My mother used to say she was very sensitive to smells. She'd spray the Lysol around the house like a SWAT team softening up a target with tear gas. Care must be taken when we scent our homes and our persons. A beautiful hippie girl floating by on a cloud of petchouli ; Ah 'tis heaven. Some dude, shirt unbuttoned, flaunting his pelt, drenched in British Sterling cologne( my favorite from my James Bond period) , heaven it ain't.
A gracious smelling home will not come from anything you plug into an electrical socket. Likewise, personal aromas shouldn't come from macys. For men and women, a couple of drops of maple syrup behind each ear is what I recommend.
For the home , you already know. Onions, saute'ed in olive oil , dude.
Words we never want to hear. "Whoah, what's that smell?"
My mother used to say she was very sensitive to smells. She'd spray the Lysol around the house like a SWAT team softening up a target with tear gas. Care must be taken when we scent our homes and our persons. A beautiful hippie girl floating by on a cloud of petchouli ; Ah 'tis heaven. Some dude, shirt unbuttoned, flaunting his pelt, drenched in British Sterling cologne( my favorite from my James Bond period) , heaven it ain't.
A gracious smelling home will not come from anything you plug into an electrical socket. Likewise, personal aromas shouldn't come from macys. For men and women, a couple of drops of maple syrup behind each ear is what I recommend.
For the home , you already know. Onions, saute'ed in olive oil , dude.
Words we never want to hear. "Whoah, what's that smell?"
Friday, January 21, 2011
A Most Delicate Subject
It's friday, and ones thoughts turn to money. A regular feature of this blog will be : Money and What to Do With It.
The big three lifestyle issues for modern people are: Money, House cleaning and The sex relation. We have briefly touched on all three. After attending last night"s high school transition night for my youngest child, it became very obvious that the choices we make as young people might impact our futures. It might be too late for us, but it's not too late to steer our children towards lucrative careers. Almost as important as your loved one's and your brother's career choices, your children's choices can have a profound effect on your lifestyle. We don't want to spend our golden years living in abandoned cars and eating dog food.
Tomorrows post will be : "The Arts? Lucrative?"
Meanwhile , today, the fish fry and the eagle fly baby.
The big three lifestyle issues for modern people are: Money, House cleaning and The sex relation. We have briefly touched on all three. After attending last night"s high school transition night for my youngest child, it became very obvious that the choices we make as young people might impact our futures. It might be too late for us, but it's not too late to steer our children towards lucrative careers. Almost as important as your loved one's and your brother's career choices, your children's choices can have a profound effect on your lifestyle. We don't want to spend our golden years living in abandoned cars and eating dog food.
Tomorrows post will be : "The Arts? Lucrative?"
Meanwhile , today, the fish fry and the eagle fly baby.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Perfect Gift.
Your first thought... no such thing.
Common sense tells us. Kids, get a toy. Teenagers, give 'em cash. Old folks, a cardigan or an old lady, socks or something. Everybody knows that stuff. Now for a bit of uncommon sense.
Today, we need the perfect gift for our loved one. Hmmm.......? This last holiday gift giving season got me thinking, "What would get my sweety thinking about me everytime she(he) was nekkid?" Of course! A great big fluffy, soft, luxurious bath towel, baby! Here's another great thing about it. Ain't no towel on earth can possibly cost more than thirty or forty bucks.
So you're all warm and cozy, rubbing yourself all over with your nice new towel and you think, "Aw, what a doll."
Common sense tells us. Kids, get a toy. Teenagers, give 'em cash. Old folks, a cardigan or an old lady, socks or something. Everybody knows that stuff. Now for a bit of uncommon sense.
Today, we need the perfect gift for our loved one. Hmmm.......? This last holiday gift giving season got me thinking, "What would get my sweety thinking about me everytime she(he) was nekkid?" Of course! A great big fluffy, soft, luxurious bath towel, baby! Here's another great thing about it. Ain't no towel on earth can possibly cost more than thirty or forty bucks.
So you're all warm and cozy, rubbing yourself all over with your nice new towel and you think, "Aw, what a doll."
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
A blog of one's own.
As you know by now , I happen to have a certain expertise in gracious living. I also have a neice who knows how to set up a blog. As easy as falling off a log, you too could have a blog. Here's some free advice. Assuming you have walked this earth for at least a half dozen years,( or you couldn't read this) you too have an area of expertise. Don't be hidin' your light under a bushel basket. Conversly, don't go on and on about stuff you know little or nothing about. Good at fishin', write about fishin. I'll read that one!
Many years ago I always thought I could make a great movie if only I had decent gear. The digital age made my film making aspirations a reality. The result: "The Poopampareno". Sadly...rubbish. I learned I could make a great movie, if only I had some talent.
I now view the world as 6 billion glowing baskets. Flip 'em over, there might be worms under there. Let's fish.
Many years ago I always thought I could make a great movie if only I had decent gear. The digital age made my film making aspirations a reality. The result: "The Poopampareno". Sadly...rubbish. I learned I could make a great movie, if only I had some talent.
I now view the world as 6 billion glowing baskets. Flip 'em over, there might be worms under there. Let's fish.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
While you're out.
" Can you pick up a few things at the market?" Why heck yeah, you can ! The modern grocery store puts the Persian Bazaar to shame. What they don't sell , you don't need. Even your local quick stop. Wow.
Years ago I went to a drive through , all night convenience store in rural Louisiana and I swear, they not only sold hard liquor by pints and quarts but also cocktails to go and, get this , guns and ammo.That's what I call convenience.
The other week the wife says, "There's a list on the table." I'm in the local megamart picking up bread , eggs, milk, cream of tartar , mouse traps and condoms.
As the mouse traps and the condoms slide by on the conveyor I detect the ever so slight "clerk smirk". I say to the kid, " If one don't work, the other most definitely will." I had to laugh.
Years ago I went to a drive through , all night convenience store in rural Louisiana and I swear, they not only sold hard liquor by pints and quarts but also cocktails to go and, get this , guns and ammo.That's what I call convenience.
The other week the wife says, "There's a list on the table." I'm in the local megamart picking up bread , eggs, milk, cream of tartar , mouse traps and condoms.
As the mouse traps and the condoms slide by on the conveyor I detect the ever so slight "clerk smirk". I say to the kid, " If one don't work, the other most definitely will." I had to laugh.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Adventures in Pickling
Continuing with our home economics postings , Let's take a quick look at the ins and outs of pickling.
Sense memories are key. When I open a jar of beets , a whiff of springtime waffs. The flavor has an earthy note. I'm not saying they taste like dirt , but one can somehow "sense" the soil from which they came.
The outs of pickling. Where to start ? The Daikon radish, for example will exude a note of the Jersey City dump in August. Whoah, what a stench ! The Daikon must be left to the professional. Purchased at the Korean grocers, the bright yellow Daikon, briefly stated ,rocks. The pale stepson that I grew and pickled, though robust, filled the home like satan's own air freshener. Don't grow it , just don't mess with it.
Another garden hazard is of course, the habenero. If you must pickle them , buy a handful at the grocers and do one jar ,also called a three year's supply. Not a toy.
Pack 'em tight and seal 'em right.
Sense memories are key. When I open a jar of beets , a whiff of springtime waffs. The flavor has an earthy note. I'm not saying they taste like dirt , but one can somehow "sense" the soil from which they came.
The outs of pickling. Where to start ? The Daikon radish, for example will exude a note of the Jersey City dump in August. Whoah, what a stench ! The Daikon must be left to the professional. Purchased at the Korean grocers, the bright yellow Daikon, briefly stated ,rocks. The pale stepson that I grew and pickled, though robust, filled the home like satan's own air freshener. Don't grow it , just don't mess with it.
Another garden hazard is of course, the habenero. If you must pickle them , buy a handful at the grocers and do one jar ,also called a three year's supply. Not a toy.
Pack 'em tight and seal 'em right.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Ice Fishing Is Fun.
I can hear you from here."C'mon Smoothstar, no it's not." Stay with me a minute. At first glance it might seem like staring into a hole. Yes, there is a certain amount of that, but there is so much more.
I bought what looked like a brand new auger two summers ago (yard sale baby). My wife asked why, "You don't ice fish." she said. I can damn well start. Eight bucks for a brand new auger was more than I could resist. Last february I got out on the ice, all thirty inches of it, and commenced to drilling. Wow, what a great workout.Twenty minutes of augering is like a couple of miles of running.One hole drilled, five to go. I won't go on and on. Call me if you want to hear the whole story.
If you drink, buy those big cans of Fosters, A Fosters slush puppy at sunrise on a frozen lake staring into a hole and you won't have to ask me why.
I bought what looked like a brand new auger two summers ago (yard sale baby). My wife asked why, "You don't ice fish." she said. I can damn well start. Eight bucks for a brand new auger was more than I could resist. Last february I got out on the ice, all thirty inches of it, and commenced to drilling. Wow, what a great workout.Twenty minutes of augering is like a couple of miles of running.One hole drilled, five to go. I won't go on and on. Call me if you want to hear the whole story.
If you drink, buy those big cans of Fosters, A Fosters slush puppy at sunrise on a frozen lake staring into a hole and you won't have to ask me why.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Staffing the Manor. Deux.
Let's put together a dream team. (Anyone younger than 55 might not be familiar wth these legendary servants).
Cook- Hop Sing
Maid ? ---Hazel? Yoiks that voice. Alice(Brady Bunch) or maybe William Demarest . Better
Chauffer- A toss up between Lurch and Gloria Swanson's retainer in Sunset Boulevard. Love that german accent.
Gardener- Hmm?.... a tough one . Kato.
Another approach is the UN approach.Good for the kids to have the multicultural influences.
Maid -French
Chauffer -White Russian (or a Sikh)
Gardener-Japanese (accept no substitute)
Cook-Northern Italian
The rest of your general staff of stablemen, pool guy, housekeeping, all the other devoted souls that keep your home humming , I like to use the spinning globe and dart technique.
Have your butler call the agency.
Cook- Hop Sing
Maid ? ---Hazel? Yoiks that voice. Alice(Brady Bunch) or maybe William Demarest . Better
Chauffer- A toss up between Lurch and Gloria Swanson's retainer in Sunset Boulevard. Love that german accent.
Gardener- Hmm?.... a tough one . Kato.
Another approach is the UN approach.Good for the kids to have the multicultural influences.
Maid -French
Chauffer -White Russian (or a Sikh)
Gardener-Japanese (accept no substitute)
Cook-Northern Italian
The rest of your general staff of stablemen, pool guy, housekeeping, all the other devoted souls that keep your home humming , I like to use the spinning globe and dart technique.
Have your butler call the agency.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Staffing The Manor. Part 1
In this two part series, I will impart all you need to know to staff your home. An efficient, loyal and well scrubbbed staff is the warp and the woof of gracious living. And the proper butler is the foundation upon which your gracious home is built.
"Smoothstar" you may ask, "What makes a proper butler?" I like a cadaverous visage that belies a keen intelligence and vicious temperament. He or she (butlering is not just for men) must be able to run your staff like a marine drill sargent, but serve you like a samurai. I demand loyalty above all else and so should you. The butler sets the tone.What do you know about engaging a maid or a cook,a gardener or a chaufer? That's right,nothing. That's your butler's job.
Tomorrow, we'll flesh it out.
"Smoothstar" you may ask, "What makes a proper butler?" I like a cadaverous visage that belies a keen intelligence and vicious temperament. He or she (butlering is not just for men) must be able to run your staff like a marine drill sargent, but serve you like a samurai. I demand loyalty above all else and so should you. The butler sets the tone.What do you know about engaging a maid or a cook,a gardener or a chaufer? That's right,nothing. That's your butler's job.
Tomorrow, we'll flesh it out.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Peasants? I think not.
Some of my readers, like myself live in the toniest suburb of the capital city of the greatest state in the greatest country in the world. The rest of my gentle readers I assume live in a situation at least civilized enough that you have access to a computer, as well as a warm place to sleep during the day , your public libraries. The exception being my one friend, "The Delinquent" to whom I broadcast directly into the fillings in his teeth. We are not brutes, nor are we anyone's peasants. We walk upright .We have clawed our way to the top of the food chain baby, above the Siberian Tiger and The Great White Shark. As I have said , if you have a job ,well god bless you, but that does not mean you have to go and do that job every day. You can, if you want to, but you can also by artiface ,deception, duplicity, any other fancy ass word for makin' stuff up, take the day and play that uke , look out that window. Some days other stuff just plain needs doin' and the world might just have to wait a day.
I've been known to say, "Raise your rate and make 'em wait"
I've been known to say, "Raise your rate and make 'em wait"
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The gardening season is upon us.
My little dog was loose in todays's blizzard and faced down a town snow plow truck, refusing to let it pass. It looked kinda funny and made me wonder what I'd plant in my garden this coming spring. If it wsn't for the certain woodchuck-Chuckzilla, I would be steaming up collards this very afternoon. I digress.
Here's my gardening tips for today. On St Patricks day plant your peas and mesculum. No, that's not mescaline. Try growing that in the basement and let me know how that works out for you. On trout season opener,that's April first, shave your beard and plant your radishes. The beard scares the fish and the radishes won't be woody if you get them in early.
Here's my gardening tips for today. On St Patricks day plant your peas and mesculum. No, that's not mescaline. Try growing that in the basement and let me know how that works out for you. On trout season opener,that's April first, shave your beard and plant your radishes. The beard scares the fish and the radishes won't be woody if you get them in early.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Cramps. Not just for chicks anymore.
If you suffer from cramps, wether it is foot and calf cramps in the night or them big ol thigh jobs you might get from too much skiing when you are a whining, crybaby, carcass trying to relive the glory of your youth, but end up half way down Windham mountain, crying out in pain as your supposed friends laugh at you. All types of cramps can and do happen to anyone, man or woman , young or old , so laugh now you heartless bastards, your day will come when the ski boot is on the other foot , and it's you going ,"Ooo ,Ooo it hurts so bad ,I'm done." Granted a person might talk a pretty good game with the old , "I never go home early" and stuff like this, but still, thanks for the sympathy you*(expletives deleted).
Any resemblence in this blog post to any actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
Any resemblence in this blog post to any actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Pets for every lifestyle.
A pet,be it furred , fish or fowl can be a wonderful addition to any home. But be sure the pet you choose suits your personal style of living. If you like quiet, get a fish. I've never met a noisy fish. Reptiles are quiet, and can be quite handsome and can make a heck of a statement. Nothing says wow like a boa ,and not feathered one , around your neck at street festival or biker rally, especially if you happen to be a well put together and scantilly clad gal. Birds. I got one for forty bucks from a biker on morris street.A pretty big one. Poor decision. It bit my landlord in the head. Before I could find a new apartment, I had to pass him on to a more responsible person.
That brings us to cats and dogs. If you like being held hostage by a shreiking, twirling dervish, perhaps the Australian silky terrier would suit your lifestyle. If you like the excitement of never knowing if you'll even have a habitable home when you return at the end of the day,the german shorthaired pointer is an excellent breed. Those are just two of the wonderful world of dog pets that I have had experience with. A little research will find you a perfect match. I saw an ad in the paper once . It said " free- yorkshire terrier, hateful little dog ,bites".
Don't be a fool, get a cat man.
That brings us to cats and dogs. If you like being held hostage by a shreiking, twirling dervish, perhaps the Australian silky terrier would suit your lifestyle. If you like the excitement of never knowing if you'll even have a habitable home when you return at the end of the day,the german shorthaired pointer is an excellent breed. Those are just two of the wonderful world of dog pets that I have had experience with. A little research will find you a perfect match. I saw an ad in the paper once . It said " free- yorkshire terrier, hateful little dog ,bites".
Don't be a fool, get a cat man.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Table Manners..........for pirates.
My children have taught me lessons in table manners that my mother neglected. Mom asked that we keep our elbows off the table, say grace , and not act like an apes. The girls have their own ideas.
If you must fart , aim it at whomever is sitting next to you. If someone asks that you pass anything, finish it first; if there is something you want, better to lunge for it. If mom or scullion wench (same thing) has served something you don't care for, throw it on the floor. Stuff like belching, wiping your hands on your pants, singing, twitching, rocking like an aslylum inmate and hollering with your mouth full are beneath mention ;they are de riguer as the french say(with their mouths full). If your children have the manners of pirates ,worry not,someday they will outgrow it, you will die or they will ship out with Barrett's Privateers.
If you must fart , aim it at whomever is sitting next to you. If someone asks that you pass anything, finish it first; if there is something you want, better to lunge for it. If mom or scullion wench (same thing) has served something you don't care for, throw it on the floor. Stuff like belching, wiping your hands on your pants, singing, twitching, rocking like an aslylum inmate and hollering with your mouth full are beneath mention ;they are de riguer as the french say(with their mouths full). If your children have the manners of pirates ,worry not,someday they will outgrow it, you will die or they will ship out with Barrett's Privateers.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Lets Make Sausage !!
I f you haven't picked up a rusty old hand meat grinder during last years garage sale season, shame on you. Go next door and ask your neighbor politely. "Do you have a meat grinder I can borrow? Just for an hour or two." Keep doin' that until you 've got one. Don't look all crazy or they'll think you're up to something.
OK. Next, get some meat. All you vegans check back tomorrow. Any old freezer burned anything will work. Go to the local grocery store and get some salt pork and some sausage casings. Without the casing, what you're making is just a real nasty little hamburger. Grind it all up and add a bunch of spices. A lot of everything especially hot stuff. Squirt it into the casing with a sausage horn thingy. Oo it's so sexy.
Return the grinder. If you drink ,go to the liquor store. I recomend a gallon of Cribari red (aka Crowbar wine) Any jug screwtop will do. Invite in whomever you borrowed the grinder from or mooched meat from. Fry the supreme piss out of your creations. Bon apetit'.
OK. Next, get some meat. All you vegans check back tomorrow. Any old freezer burned anything will work. Go to the local grocery store and get some salt pork and some sausage casings. Without the casing, what you're making is just a real nasty little hamburger. Grind it all up and add a bunch of spices. A lot of everything especially hot stuff. Squirt it into the casing with a sausage horn thingy. Oo it's so sexy.
Return the grinder. If you drink ,go to the liquor store. I recomend a gallon of Cribari red (aka Crowbar wine) Any jug screwtop will do. Invite in whomever you borrowed the grinder from or mooched meat from. Fry the supreme piss out of your creations. Bon apetit'.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Coach's Corner
These are mottos used to motivate both young and old. Mostly stuff I've heard and put to good use.Some paraphrased from the great coaches like Vince and Yogi , others just movie quotes and stuff I made up. Let's get right to it.
Pain is weakness leaving your body.
If it ain't rough, it ain't right.
If you wanna be strong ,you gotta be strong.
We're all out here to have fun, but winning is more fun.
All I ask is that you run your pathetic little guts out .
That covers the youth sports section. Now on to the more general life and parenting sort of stuff.
It's nice to be important ,but it's more important to be nice. (awh)
Beer and wine , fine. Wine and whiskey , a little frisky.
Your future is ahead of you.
I love you Poppi.( used by girls through the ages to extract ducats from daddies)
My favorite
" Shut your mouth when you're talkin' to me!"
On another note, re. yesterday's post.I got this question.
Dear Smoothstar,
I caught a really big rat in one of those glue traps. Now what?
Signed,
Sully
I'll answer that tomorrow.
Pain is weakness leaving your body.
If it ain't rough, it ain't right.
If you wanna be strong ,you gotta be strong.
We're all out here to have fun, but winning is more fun.
All I ask is that you run your pathetic little guts out .
That covers the youth sports section. Now on to the more general life and parenting sort of stuff.
It's nice to be important ,but it's more important to be nice. (awh)
Beer and wine , fine. Wine and whiskey , a little frisky.
Your future is ahead of you.
I love you Poppi.( used by girls through the ages to extract ducats from daddies)
My favorite
" Shut your mouth when you're talkin' to me!"
On another note, re. yesterday's post.I got this question.
Dear Smoothstar,
I caught a really big rat in one of those glue traps. Now what?
Signed,
Sully
I'll answer that tomorrow.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Do you smell something funny?
Rodents. Some industrious, some despoilers,some downright ornery. I seen 'em all boys. And not all of 'em walkin' on four feet ,I'll tell ya. If you have rodent trouble and who don't ; you might think you don't , but you do ; this is the focus of todays focus. I got a woodchuck with his bastardly bunny buddies under my shed, I got chipmunks building an under ground city, I got squirrels ,moles, voles, and a tree surgeon up the block who' charged his own mother 1800 bucks to cut down a small sumac. Rodents? Yeah, I know rodents. Smell a rat? No, I smell a mouse.And this little fella moved right in with us.
"Don't kill him daddy, he's so cute." So let's just make a trail of cornflakes from the the last seen to the open front door. My guess is a capabyra will follow the trail in and slit my throat while I sleep.
"Don't kill him daddy, he's so cute." So let's just make a trail of cornflakes from the the last seen to the open front door. My guess is a capabyra will follow the trail in and slit my throat while I sleep.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
To your health.
The doctor writes me a letter. Hmmm? He's a relatively young man from my perspective. He's not quite fifty. The short of it is, find a new doctor ,I quit. Imediately a quiver sets in my liver and I make an appointment during his last week. I shudder at the thought of going back to my previous witchdoctor and I'm curious. . He tells me he can no longer afford staying in business. Ain't no money in doctorin'. Who knew? I offer him a position in my carpentry firm.
From a lifestyle perspective, we all need good medicine. I see a professional whenever there's something stuck in my eye or have a cough that lasts more than three or four months. Insist that your health care provider uses only genuine turtle shell rattles and the powdered cat bone powder she blows into your face is from only a black cat that died at midnight. No generics for me thanks.
From a lifestyle perspective, we all need good medicine. I see a professional whenever there's something stuck in my eye or have a cough that lasts more than three or four months. Insist that your health care provider uses only genuine turtle shell rattles and the powdered cat bone powder she blows into your face is from only a black cat that died at midnight. No generics for me thanks.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Dave's Don'ts
Heres a list of "don't do it man"
1.Don't buy your wife a deer rifle for christmas
2.Don't buy your wife a rake for your aniversary.
3.Don't buy your wife a case of beaujolais and drink it all.
4.Don't go to court or a job interview drunk.
5.Don't shovel the old lady's driveway next door, not even once.
6.Don't go swimming in Buckinhgham pond; it's only a foot deep and the bottom is green.
7.Don't use a blowtorch and a can of gas on a wasp nest. Shouldn't have to tell you.
8.Don't put the center of a golf ball in a vise. Shouldn't have to tell you.
9.Don't throw bullets in a campfire. I should not have to tell you.
1.Don't buy your wife a deer rifle for christmas
2.Don't buy your wife a rake for your aniversary.
3.Don't buy your wife a case of beaujolais and drink it all.
4.Don't go to court or a job interview drunk.
5.Don't shovel the old lady's driveway next door, not even once.
6.Don't go swimming in Buckinhgham pond; it's only a foot deep and the bottom is green.
7.Don't use a blowtorch and a can of gas on a wasp nest. Shouldn't have to tell you.
8.Don't put the center of a golf ball in a vise. Shouldn't have to tell you.
9.Don't throw bullets in a campfire. I should not have to tell you.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Dear Smoothstar
Dear Smoothstar,
I always wondered what posessed someone to start a blog anyways. I always figgered it was a bunch of self important twerps writting for no one. My buddy Johnny Ringo asked me to write to you and find out.
It seems your promise of an eel recipe is gonna be your biggest draw. Is eel really any good for anything but bait?
Signed ,
Iquisitive
ps.are you gonna do the swahili phrase of the day?
Dear Inquiz,
Funny you should ask, I was wondering myself. And yes eel is super, fried, baked ,smoked pickled, jellied ,you name it, it's scrumptious. I've never tried it boiled.
Best
Smoothstar
I always wondered what posessed someone to start a blog anyways. I always figgered it was a bunch of self important twerps writting for no one. My buddy Johnny Ringo asked me to write to you and find out.
It seems your promise of an eel recipe is gonna be your biggest draw. Is eel really any good for anything but bait?
Signed ,
Iquisitive
ps.are you gonna do the swahili phrase of the day?
Dear Inquiz,
Funny you should ask, I was wondering myself. And yes eel is super, fried, baked ,smoked pickled, jellied ,you name it, it's scrumptious. I've never tried it boiled.
Best
Smoothstar
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Forthright on the second
Don't stop me if you've heard this before. I pull over to the side of the road and a big beefy state trooper comes sauntering up and asks" What have we got going on here today?" It seems I was doing 78 in a 40, the bike hadn't been inspected in a year or two and through some clerical error the lisense had been suspended due to a case of mistakin' identity in 1980. I was so intent on test drivin' the bike I kept going faster and faster after the siren and lights went on and I didn't notice. So I opt for the "Officer, I'm all jacked up" defense.
Here's the point I'm tryin' to make. When you fall into the hands of the police, and we all do, it's usually due to some over exuberence rather than any malice on your part. It could be speeding, or maintain farm animals within city limits, fishing without a lisence , tresspassing, fireworks, hunting out of season, running an unlisenced nightclub, building without a permit, the usual stuff, use the "I'm all jacked up " defense. We are exuberant people and if in our exuberence we take a small step over the legal limits, politely say,"Officer , I'm all jacked up and I didnt realize...." This year we will be honest.
*I got away with my test drive but I can't promise you will.
Here's the point I'm tryin' to make. When you fall into the hands of the police, and we all do, it's usually due to some over exuberence rather than any malice on your part. It could be speeding, or maintain farm animals within city limits, fishing without a lisence , tresspassing, fireworks, hunting out of season, running an unlisenced nightclub, building without a permit, the usual stuff, use the "I'm all jacked up " defense. We are exuberant people and if in our exuberence we take a small step over the legal limits, politely say,"Officer , I'm all jacked up and I didnt realize...." This year we will be honest.
*I got away with my test drive but I can't promise you will.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New day yesterday.Old day now.
Awright ,time to get busy. I'm all about lifestyle. Like the boy scouts , you gotta be prepared. Everyday anything can and does happen.
Say you wanna live a millionaire playboy lifestyle and we do; certain rules apply. You have a job ,well god bless you, but if by chance or happenstance or choice you don't that doesn't mean your lifestyle should suffer. If a bad back or a new baby or obsolete skill set has you homebound, listen and learn. If by the merciful christ your significant other does have a job you are doubley blessed. You have all the benefits of a job without the often onerous downside of having to do it.
Here's today's tip. Some of you may already be hip to this gag so you can testify to it's effect. This is for you lesser halfs of the love relation so's you can keep the affections of the loved one and maintain your indoor home. Endless house work and childcare can be even worse than a "real" job so that ain't the way to go. If you have a avocation like playing the trombone or say you're a poet, follow your passion with all your heart. But fifteen minutes before yer honey's shift at the zinc mine is through, in a medium size skillet heat two tablespoons of olive oil and saute' a chopped onion. A delightful aroma fills the home. Overflowing clothes hampers , poopy diapers, crusty dishes loose their power to annoy when the sweet sound of "Ooo something smells good" are the first words from your beloved's mouth.
We are going to apply ourselves like never before this year.
yours smoothstar
Say you wanna live a millionaire playboy lifestyle and we do; certain rules apply. You have a job ,well god bless you, but if by chance or happenstance or choice you don't that doesn't mean your lifestyle should suffer. If a bad back or a new baby or obsolete skill set has you homebound, listen and learn. If by the merciful christ your significant other does have a job you are doubley blessed. You have all the benefits of a job without the often onerous downside of having to do it.
Here's today's tip. Some of you may already be hip to this gag so you can testify to it's effect. This is for you lesser halfs of the love relation so's you can keep the affections of the loved one and maintain your indoor home. Endless house work and childcare can be even worse than a "real" job so that ain't the way to go. If you have a avocation like playing the trombone or say you're a poet, follow your passion with all your heart. But fifteen minutes before yer honey's shift at the zinc mine is through, in a medium size skillet heat two tablespoons of olive oil and saute' a chopped onion. A delightful aroma fills the home. Overflowing clothes hampers , poopy diapers, crusty dishes loose their power to annoy when the sweet sound of "Ooo something smells good" are the first words from your beloved's mouth.
We are going to apply ourselves like never before this year.
yours smoothstar
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