Teens Rate Favorite Ammo for Deer Season

 With deer season just around the corner, I asked some of my teen friends what they will be taking into the woods this season. Their answers may surprise you.
    Bobby Fallon of Ypsilanti, Michigan writes. " My two sisters and I all use the .270 early in the season. We sometimes take shots at around two hundred yards across the fields late and early in the day. It shoots flat at that distance. When we drive out the woodlots later in the season, we  switch to the shot guns with whatever slugs we have laying around . They have great knock down power in close and we use them to kick the bunnies around if the deer aren't co-operating."
    Jilly Brown of Bennington, Vermont writes. " You don't think  of the .45/70 as a girls gun, but I only take one shot a year. Knocks them right down everytime, no matter where you hit 'em. But goddamn, that gun kicks like a mule!"
     Thanks kids for your ammo insights. Who sez teens don't have good sense?

Idle Hands. The Devil's Workshop.

     A teenager with time on their hands. Oh yes, they will think of something to do. As a young teen, for me, that usually involved trying to make something that would explode. As an older teen that usually meant an alteration of consciousness.
  But what of the modern teen? What are they up to in those quiet, uncommited hours? I see myself a savvy modern parent. But for the life of me, I can't figure out what those sneaky little fiends are up to. They've got to be up to something. Usually, Smoothstar has all the answers. Today, I have a question.
   Here's The Smoothstar TEEN CHALLENGE.
What are you kids doin'?  It better not be just homework, athletics,  and community service. There must be some kids building a go kart out of their neighbor's snowblower somewhere.

Parents Who Won't Quit Buggin' Their Children

   We all know the type. " Where ya goin'? When you gonna be back? Are there going to be any adults there? Will there be boys and beer?" Endless stupid questions. Then there are the endless suggestions about personal appearance and choice of friends. "That oufit makes you look like a  gangbanger/streetwalker." "Those friends of yours are lowlifes and criminals."
   " Geez mom/dad why don't you just quit buggin' me?" Well parents, why don't you quit buggin' them kids? You have raised them to have good character and to make good and positive choices. Think back to your own folks buggin' you. Remember all the good teen choices you made.
     Gar! It's a wonder any human children survive at all.
   Smoothstar sez, "Hey teens , try not to get pounded today." That goes for you parents too.

Smoothstar's Tips For Teens

  Many of my readers are teenagers, were teenagers or will soon be teenagers. This being Teen Week, I thought I should address of a few of the most pressing issues facing teens of today and yesterday. I'll break it out into two parts. Skin care and dating do's and don'ts.
   Skin care
1. Face your face. I mean wash your face. I like Oil of Olay's age defying soap. It's creamy and leaves your face feeling clean.
2.Don't bother showering everyday in the winter. Studies show the deer can smell you anyway. Keep them upwind, and the same goes for people.
    Dating do's and don'ts.
1. Don't be a schmoo.
2. Do be polite.
3. Don't forget to shower. Wash your feet real good, you might get lucky.
    Tomorrow: How to drive like a teen.

Teenage Girl Names Father in Lawsuit

   " I'm going to sue you for disturbing my mind ", the teenage girl spluttered. It seems her Dad had a habit of yanking up the legs of his plaid bermuda shorts, giving himself a sort of wedgy, then doing a fun little dance. Where's the harm? It feels pretty good, and I do it myself now and again, but it somehow upset the child.
    Teenagers are easily embarassed . That's what makes them so fun to have around. Often your mere appearance without saying or doing anything can do the trick. It doesn't help if you dress like Eurotrash and the Mother looks like some sort of mad Gypsy. Kids are so conservative.
   You have a car and money so they will put up with your hijinks. Enjoy the teenage years. They won't cringe at the sight of you forever.

101 Things To Do On A Sunday

1. Pay Bills
2. Do Laundry
3. Sing Shoo Fly Don't Bother Me to the melody of Swing Low Sweet Chariot
4.Clean Frog Water
5. Shoot
6.Sing Michael Row The Boat until you start crying
7.Sleep Eat Breath
8. Watch "Trollhunter"
9.Stew

I asked the family. This is what they suggest. Ask you own family. It's something to do. Mail your ideas to me.

Animal Husbandry

      This is a term that has long fascinated us. What exactly does husbandry mean? I know what it means around my house and it ain't pretty.
      It is defined as a branch of agriculture concerned with the care and breeding of domestic animals such as goats, hogs and so forth. It doesn't have anything to do with being a husband.  It's not just something some jerky junior high kid says.
   All right, I'll have to admit it. For some reason, animal husbandry crossed my mind as soon as I woke up this morning and it just sounded funny, but what's so funny? Nothing really, but don't it sorta sound funny?

Something So Mundane As Flossing

   There is so much to consider every day. Sometimes there are huge life changing decisions to be made and followed through on. Let's move, let's have a baby, let's go porgy fishing. At any moment, your life can be irrevocably changed in so many ways.
    Certain things in the face of change should stay the same. No matter what is happening, we can't neglect good dental hygiene. I went though a wistful period in my life. I thought, brush once a day in the morning ...ah the hell with it, what difference does it make? That once a day brushing, no regular visits to the dentist, and I was too wistful to floss.
   After a while we enter a new period of life. A trip to the dentist for a throbbing agony. "Yoiks man!" he says, "You haven't been flossing have you, Dave?"  "No matter, my yacht needs a new propellor." he says.
    I paid for the propeller, and it's a big yacht. Don't be a fool like me. Floss; it's a verb.

Among My Souvenirs

      I have on my desk a golf ball. It will never be teed up again. This ball managed to survive eighteen holes of golf, not just any golf, but Smoothstar golf. It is now a memento.
    I have others. It is sometimes important to have these small keepsakes. They are reminders of special moments, of course they are. We must be able to differentiate between a keepsake and old busted-ass crap. A chain saw you think you can fix does not have sentimental value. A fifty caliber machine gun bullet that you bought at your first gun show, now there is sentimental.
    Look around your room. You should have some stuff that brings glimpses of who you are or who you were. Not too much, or your place gets stuffy, so they say.

Snazzy Pants and Peculiar Trousers

    Droopy drawers, ass pants. These are just two fashion faux pas' that we can suffer. The ass pants are the pants where by the center seam attacks yer  butt crack. I know this may seem a bit crude early in the morning, but many of you are probably dressing right now. If your pants feel a little bit haunted, they are. When all your pride and self repect are gone, your fashion choices are made by what isn't covered in paint or blood stains or gravy.
      Gals, are you leaving the house this morning wearing a mid calf length floral skirt , jogging shoes and a great big cardigan sweater, like grampa used to wear? Yoiks! I know it's already wednesday but let's call this Smoothstar Fashion Week. Sure, if you are cleaning your gutters or snaking a drain that's one thing. If you are hitting the kid's open house or even going to the grocers. Let's look sharp. Let's make fashion choices; don't be just smelling what you put on, look at it too.

Almost Deer Season

  Where does the time go? We boiled up the last of last years venison last night to make a nice split pea soup. Can it really be time to start thinking about hunting the deer again already? So much undone and so much to be left undone once hunting season starts in earnest.
     I was reminded this morning by this letter I received,  just how quickly the seasons go round and round..
    Dear Smoothstar,
             Is it too late to catch porgies this year? Are perch and porgies the same fish?
    Signed,
              Tom
Dear Tom,
            Thanks for your letter. Clear your calendar, and I'll pick you up in about an hour and we'll see about them porgies.
  Best ,
          Smoothstar

Tree Surgery. No License Required.

       We have all seen the guy in the cartoon, saw the limb off that he's sitting on. It seems impossible that anyone could be so dumb. Yeah, right. My guess is this very morning, all across America and the world for that matter, there are folks lying in hospital beds with shattered bones and huge, horrible stitched up wounds directly caused by weekend tree pruning. The combination of the chain saw and the ladder is probably the cause of more than a few of these injuries.
     The long handled pruning saw (neither the electric or the gas fired models, but strictly manual) is relatively dope proof. Half way though your first limb, your shoulders will be begging for mercy. You saw off a few small branches and put that stupid thing away. It's football season, man. If you drink, crack a beer and hit the couch. Chores done, and the game's on and you still have all of your own limbs. That's a good day of pruning.

Long Distance Running

    Let's say you smoke a pack of butts a day. Perhaps you are fifty, sixty pounds over weight. Maybe you have a pesky drug habit or your booze consumption is on it's way to appalling. You might start to consider the possiblity of some healthier lifestyle choices. Some of the more intractable problems may require a bit of professional help. Others may benefit from long distance running.
   Starting slow is key. If you go right out there and think you can run around like you are fouteen years old, you'd best just call an ambulance. My own experience was such that I couldn't run a hundred yards without coughing my guts out, but each day I would go a  little bit further. After a few weeks, months or years, depending upon how far you have let yourself go, you will start to have renewed vigor and zest.
     When you get back from your morning run , have a jammin' load of waffles, you've earned it.

Dream Golf

     It is easy to improve your golf game while you are sleeping. This may seem like a bold claim, but it is true. After a round of double par golf you may wonder about the wisdom of pursuing the game any further. Take heart friends, you are about to have a breakthrough! Here's the trick. Play for a couple of days in a row, particularly after long work days. Just hack and hack and hack away at it, through the frustration , the fatigue,  the dozens of lost balls, no matter. Skip dinner, play until darkness, through swarms of mosquitoes. Hacking, hacking, hacking. After a few days of this. Lie down and close your eyes.
    Then the dream game comes. In your dream you have a perfect swing. In your dream, your chip shots are like rainbows. Your putts swirl into the hole as if by magnetic force. The sky looks like a painting by Goya.
   Take a few days off. Get some real rest. Try again. If the serenity doesn't come, repeat as necessary.

Etiquette Week Ends. Politeness Continues.

    We have learned alot this week.
1.Pull up your pants.
2.No fartin in church.
3.Mind your tone of voice. That condecending tone, no one likes.
4.Thank You Notes. Not just for your old Auntie.
5.Cigars are OK, if it's real buggy.
6.Shut that dog up.
7.Don't park your car in someone's nice driveway if it leaks a lot of stuff, oil, antifreeze, etc.
8.Put on a shirt man, I'm eating.
9.Consider the consequences. If I do or say this, they will kick that?  Some people have feelings.

So ends Etiquette Week. If you have other sugestions, send 'em in ,or better still get them printed on a t-shirt.

* oh yeah , no babies in the bar. (shouldn't have to tell you)

Camping Is Fun

    Don't leave your good manners at home when you go on vacation. Just because you are out in nature is no reason to act the ape. Quiet is the one thing that  most campers appreciate the most. Wether it is beer drenched guffawing around the camp fire late into the evening or early morning pot wrasslin', you won't make many friends at any car camping spots. It's different, if you are way out in the back country. At your state parks and KOA campsites, keep them pie holes quiet. Also be mindful where you clean your fish.
    If your idea of camping is staying at a Holiday Inn, the same rules apply. The walls are thin, like a tent. Keep the ruckus down, that's all I'm sayin'.
 

Etiquette Question Answered

Dear Smoothststar,
           I have been invited to go deer hunting with the fellas at my office. I expect they are not used to having a lady at deer camp. I am already used to their junior high brand of high jinx, but I suspect they may push it up a notch or two out in the woods. They are fun loving boys and  I do enjoy spending time with them. We have spent great days shark fishing, golfing and playing pick-up hockey. Should I overcome my slight trepidation or just hunt with the girls again this year? My main question is, how do I decline without hurting their feelings?
     Signed,   Fun Loving , But Nervous
Dear FLBN,
          Don't worry, these guys are probably brutes without feelings. It's hunting. If they get fresh, shoot 'em.
                       

It's Etiquette Week on Smoothstar

1. Don't slurp your soup swiney boy.
2.Not a lot of talking while fishing, thank you.
3.No talking while I'm trying to hit a golf ball. None. Not one word. No sounds.
4.You can mow or weed whack before 9 am on a Sunday, if you don't mind a punch in the face.
5.Also, limit the chit chat during a hockey game. That's what the intermissions are for.
6. Don't stop me if I've told you this before. Anything.
7.Double your wedding gift if you can't attend the ceremony. Count yer blessings.
8.Change your socks, brush your teeth, all that stuff, don't forget.

More tomorrow, I got work.

Raising Dairy Goats

       There is no better addition to the suburban lifestyle than the dairy goat, or more clearly goats. Each goat needs ten square feet of shed or barn space and a minimal amount of yard space. Goat milk, pretty much tastes like cow milk. The fat content will vary with such things as air temperature, diet and goat age. A single milking goat will get lonely and blue, so it needs a companion goat of either a non-milking female or non-breeding male. Most goats aren't stinky, but breeding males can be a bit smelly.( I know what that's like). The angora goat might make a nice companion goat. They can be sheared for the wool, I think.
   Goats need to be milked every twelve  hours. They can be a bit wiggly I hear and hard to milk until you get the hang of it.  You might get a gallon of milk a day out of a nice dairy goat.
   Someone told me this stuff. I'm sure there's more to it. But it was enough to pique my interest. Does it pique yours?

Let's Pump Some Iron!

    Slamming the free weights isn't just prison yard fun. We can all benefit from some weight lifting. If heavy lifting is part of your daily work, you will be hard pressed to see why you should lift anything without getting paid to do so. Some lads will say weight lifting is just work for no money. To have a long career in manual labor, you will have to train to stay in the game. When you are young it is different. You get strong fast and stay that way.
    At any yard sale you can find cheap barbells and dumbells, weight benches,etc. The more sedentary you are, the more of this gear you will need. Say you tape drywall for a living. All you will need is a single dumbell to pump with the opposite of your trowling hand. This will keep your back in balance. If you slug away in some cubicle on the phone all day, you will need to hit the iron hard to keep from turning to mush.
    This isn't just for the fellas, you gals need to do a bit of lifting too. Let's not all turn into a bunch of shriveled  old ladies any sooner than we must.

Gossip Is Bad

   I always try to keep a positive attitude, but today I will speak briefly about something we shouldn't do, rather than things we might try. I am going to try to not repeat anything anyone tells me, even to myself. That's the trick. Someone tells you something. Something in some way private. The temptation is always to ruminate on it. " Can you  believe that?"; you say to yourself. Then you start to feel the need to discuss it with some third party.
   Here's what I'm going to try. If I have to preface anything I say to anyone with, " This is just between you and me",  I am going to use some sort of Jedi mind wash on myself and instantly forget what I was going to say. A lot of times that just happens anyways, but I'm going to try and make a more conscious effort to do it.
  Seems like a paradox. Making a conscious effort to remove something for your consciousness. Hmmm...I think I should stick to fish fry recipes.
  

Baloney and Cheese. Like Never Before.

    For the last installment of FOOD WEEK, we'll have a look at solar cooking. Moms love  baloney. The black lunch box that sorta looks like a barn, the  working man's classic, makes baloney swing. Left in the sun, it gets hot inside. The cheese melts, the boloney sweats, and even the stalest bread  softens up, to turn this American classic delicious. Do not leave a bannana  in there with it, or a can of beer or lunch is ruined.
   Another solar treat is the sundried sun fish. In Lake Perris or your local pond, you can catch tiny sunfish ( the smaller the better) all day on crickets or little garden werms. Gut  'em, scale 'em, leave the heads on. Place  'em on a piece of aluminum foil on the hood of your truck. Cover with a little frame with some window screening to keep the flies off. Should be a hot sunny day of course. Serve with a Thai, hot pickled mudfish sauce. Oh yes.

Eight Buck Duck

  At the local Asian grocers they sell the whole duck. Minimally processed, this duck  is plucked , but also includes the head and the feet; for the uniniciated this can be a bit off putting. I am sure there are recipes that call for the head and feet but, I am not familar with them. Be warned the eight buck duck is not the same duck as the "plump or Long Island Duck", also known as the "thirteen buck duck". The eight buck duck, for  my purposes, is a soupifying duck. Don't think you can jam an apple in it, shove it in the oven, and  magically it will turn into a delicous roasted Christmas duck. It won't. I tried that in our test kitchen. It turned into what I call "mummified duck". An interesting dish, sort of, but not really.
   Buy your cheap duck and make duck soup. The skinny, eight buck duck is perfect. Not so greasy. Try using the head and feet. They would make a cool garnish at least. Bring it to a pot luck.  Let me know how that works out.

Do It Yourself Funerals

   This latest trend of having a home wake, digging a grave in the  backyard and burying your deceased family member or friend is gaining some traction. I know this is a heavy subject. In a large measure, digging a hole four or five feet wide and six feet deep is the easy part. Most folks don't own a back hoe and renting one is often fraught with difficulties. Unless you are renting what amounts to a toy , there are questions of insurance, and pick-up and delivery, which can become quite costly and quickly. Hand digging is almost always theraputic, in some way, in all but the rockiest soil.
   The hole dug. The wake must be held with dignity and solemnity. The possibility of it turning into some drunken debacle is right there.Use maturity and good judgement. Make it a pot luck and easy on the hard liquor.
     I hope none of us has to consider this sort of activity anytime soon, but don't automatically think that this last move on earth must be left to the pros only.

Four Letter Word. Starts With F.

   Fish. Fall. We are coming into the fall fishing season. For me one of the four most exciting of the four fishing seasons. As the foiliage starts to change  and you gals start wearing those tight cashmere sweaters that I love so much , I start to think of jack perch  and schooling stripers. The third game of the NFL season marks the beginning of the fall striper run. As the gagillions of eel  fry start heading towards the sea and the blue crabs migrate up into the river, the striped bass arrive. Not the giant spawning fish of spring but the five to ten pounders. Check the regs . I think they gotta be 18 inches or so and it may be one or two fish a day in the Hudson.
       Perch fishing is truly the sport of kings, not horse racing. Worms early and minnows right before ice.
Fashion tip: Wear orange for fall fishing, the fish won't see you, but the gals in cashmere will.
  

Fiery Fashions for Fall

   Orange. That's right ladies. Orange is it for this fall.  And python prints are still hot. Combine the two and you will be fashion forward. If you want to be a trendsetter, start with mixing up your oranges this fall. Shades of orange seperates that say wow, pow and now! Fellas , don't let the ladies have all the fun. Picture yourself in an orange tee with an orange sport coat, orange skinny jeans and orange chuck taylor allstars. Don't get matchy-matchy. They must all be different shades. I usually avoid the blaze orange except for hunting deer, but if you are bold , you can throw a little fluorescent orange into an ensemble. Maybe a nice python print scarf to accessorize.( for guys and gals)
   Consider the jack-o-lantern. Counting the flame, how many shades of orange are there in a carved pumpkin? Look close and you'll see what I mean.
   I saw Junior Wells a number of years ago wearing a orange mohair, three piece suit with matching faux fur fedora and orange alligator shoes. Unforgettable!

Cabrito. Means Delicious.

    I don't know where you can buy a nice young goat, all butchered and ready to cook around here. You most likely will have to raise your own. That is the first step to today's receipe. Find out about raising goats and get that going first. I think there may be a zoning regulation against keeping goats for meat or pets in my neighborhood. Are they noisy? Smelly? What? What about goat milk? What's up with that? Does it taste like cow milk? Dunno. I like the goat cheese at the market. I bet there are some tricks to making that as well. Have you got to get up early every day to milk 'em? If I want to go on vacation, do I have to get some neighborhood kid ( no pun intended ) to milk them while I'm gone.
  I'm already half a hostage to my dog. I think this cabrito recipe might be a mistake. Find a good quality Spanish restaurant and order the Cabrito Kabobs or Cabrito Chile. If you like it and decide raising goats is your thing, let me know how it works out for you.

Improve Your Golf Game in 7 Days or Less- Part 2

  As a follow-up to our July25th posting, we are revisiting, "The Game". If you took up golf  five weeks ago, and have been diligent in up grading your gear over the last five saturdays of yard saleing, you should have seen some dramatic improvements. Hopefully you have gotten a monster driver , and at least one of these hybrid woods. Retire the two iron. The old jokes sez, "Even god can't hit a two iron." It's why you hold it up in a lightening storm.
  Remember what Sam Snead once said, "The harder you try, the worse you suck." I'm paraphrasing here. Here's something I tried that don't work. Wacking a wiffle golf ball around your front yard. I opened the window on the pick-up and aimed at that. It just makes you look dopey. There's no such move in real golf.
    The best advice I think is, play twice this week, you'll get better. I  think playing  a lot will help. Let me know how it works out, next saturday.

Secret Spas, Last Resorts, Hidden Hideaways

    What makes a great travel destination? That's a question I'm asked almost daily.

1. Northeast Wyoming. More antelope than people.
2.South Central Rhode Island shore. One word. Porgy fishing.
3.Ojingnaga,  Mexico. Nice 1920's movie theater. Quiet, friendly jail.
4.Anywhere in Barbadoes. Scorching sun and excellent scones.
5.Pico Peak ,Vermont and West Mountain, Glens Falls NY.  Skiing, 70's style.
6.Clarksville. So secret,  you must call me for the lowdown.
7. I always wanted to go to Albania. Anyone ever been there?

I like to take a hot bath and put chamomille teabags on my eyes. Make your own bathroom a day spa.
Try that and get back to me.

The Poggio of Delmar

   Also known as Poggious Delmarius, this scriptor has labored long in his scriptorium.
   "Hold on there Smoothstar, what's this mumbo-jumbo?" I have discovered a rare species of man. A man without guile, untainted, or at least unaffected  by the modern day; Much like a forgotten hold-out of World War Two, guarding a cave against an attack that will never come, as the war ended years ago.
    The Poggio will succeed me as The Smoothstar. The Smoothstar pagent is canceled. Back to Fun, Food, Fashion, Fitness and Finance tommorrow. This is great news. The Poggio will assume his duties on the first of the year.