The Year That Was

Wow! What  a great year it has been.
Art: We liked Petah Coyne at Mass MOCA
        Alexander Mcqueen at the Met was super. Everyone agreed
Music- Rev Horton Heat at Northern Lights
            Dan Johnson with The Woes, Trey down at the Palace. Geoff Muldaur and Kweskin at the Egg
Books: Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter and I liked Laura Hillenbrand's Unbroken
Sports: Great day of pickeral fishing on the ice at Thompsons. One word-Porgy Fishing in Rhode Island. 18 holes of golf -One Ball- Oh yes.Yankees and Mariners midweek day game. Reach The Beach -Mass. 200 miles 24 hours- all the sights and smells of that.
Movies-I liked Miranda July's "The Future"
Other: Anime Boston, bike ran great, deer huntin excellent, Beekeeping: try again next year.Swimin in Flat Rock Creek.
   So much other great fun,fashion, food ,friends, finance and fitness I ferget.
Smoothstar is saying farewell. Remember,  gracious living is it's own reward. Start yer own blogs this year- I'll read 'em.

You Gots to Accessorize

    Any outfit can be saved with the proper accessories. A well selected scarf, a jaunty cap, a little miniature chain saw earring and wow ,  fashion happens.
    Coco Chanel once said you should  always take off one accessory before leaving the house. I say just the opposite. There is also the saying that you can tell a serious man because he wears suspenders and a belt. Now you don't want to look like a clown ( or a nut ),  so taste can be an issue. If you are a lady or a gentleman of a certain age, temper your enthusiasm with good judgement. But enthusiasm must lead the way.
       I saw a lad this morning and he was dressed like the sofa from the lobby of a cheap hotel. What saved it? Neon shades that's what. Sure the stuffing was coming out of him, but them shades said, " Yeah?  Well, what ?"
       Make a statement.

Wild Food Gone Wild

The trend I have been hearing a lot about lately is foraging. Getting your groceries out of overgrown vacant lots and such.
Remember those concoctions you made as a kid out of milk weed, dandelions, weird bush berries and wild mushrooms and ginger snap crumbs. Then you put the stuff on ant hills and see if they flip out. You could cook the stuff with a magnifying glass. Who knew you were pioneering solar cooked, forgaged food nouvelle cuisine. So instead of ant hills, you serve it to paying customers with reservations they made a month ago.
I always liked the wild blackberry, the fiddlehead and the mushrooms that grow in the cow fields down in Florida. 2012 will be the year of foraging. Don't knosh the Florida mushrooms first, or there's no telling what you might eat next.

SMOOTHSTAR named Blogger of the Year for 2011 !!

Wow! I am stunned! When Arsenio called me this morning and told me I had been named blogger of the year, you could have knocked me over with a handbag. Who thought while I was wasting hour after hour sitting up in a treestand the wheels were grinding up such an honor ?
They say gracious living is it's own reward. I would like to thank my agent Moe T. who got me started. I would like to remember my sainted Mother, who said "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." Mostly I would like to thank my family, who's hard work and diligence over all these years has supported me while I chased my dream.
Deer season was successful and I will share a super recipe tomorrow.

Deer Season is Over. It is Official.

Smoothstar returns tomorrow to finish out 2011.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y63784JvYA

This blog is closed and will stay closed until I get my Opera House.

I WANT MY OPERA HOUSE! I WANT MY OPERA HOUSE!!!!

Deer Season

  Deer season opens on saturday. Golly, where does the time go? Like many things in this neck of the woods, the Smoothstar blog will remain undone until Dec. 21st when deer season closes. Thanks for your forbearance and I will let you know how it shook out when I return on the December 22nd. Happy hunting.I gotta go wax my string, so to speak.
   best
         smoothstar

Una Semana de Aqua

   That would be a week of water, to my non-Spanish friends. Who said "Apres' moi, Le deluge." ? After me, the flood. I know I heard it somehwere.( some plumber probably)
     OK, we have looked at sailing and plumbing. We have flogged porgy fishing so thoroughly I can't look at another porgy. I kinda like that TV personality, Jennifer Anniston. She's not real glamorous, but seems kinda like the girl next door. She's always shilling for some bottled water company. I used to like Perrier. We used to call it Perrier Duryea Water, after a New York legislator named Perry Duryea. We thought that was pretty clever.
    I am working on my boat this week. I like to work on crappy old boats and put them back on the water. They are still crappy old boats. Everyone should have at least one in their yard. Even if they take twenty years to get them back in service, like my current project, it's nice to be able to say, "Maybe I'll work on the boat, this weekend." An old car or motorbike can serve the same purpose.We need these projects. We can't die until they are done.

Plumbing Tips for a Tuesday

  "There's no grave, like a watery grave."  So they say in the plumbing game. Plumbing tests our mettle. It makes men and women of us. So here's a few mysteries of modern plumbing revealed.

1. The Jet Sweat. It's a tool that slides into a pipe to stanch the flow of water so you can slide a ball valve on a supply line and it can be quickly and easily soldered on. The rest of your day is cake. I buy the cheap knock off brands. No monkeying around with shoving bread in a pipe and all that nonsense.
2. The sharpie pen. Make register marks on all your pvc drain lines after you get them together dry. Take it back apart then glue 'em back together. Those little register marks make it so you don't have some gluey contraption that just used up all your fittings and doesn't even resemble plumbing.
3.Forget the propane. Use at least MAPP gas for your torch. Acetylene is even better.(don't burn the house down)
4. One word. Pex. You know what I mean.
    So keep a mop and a sponge and a bucket handy. Don't start anything after noon. Don't start drinking beer before you're finished. Good luck. You're gonna need it.
            (tomorrow plumbing tips for a wednesday)

Christopher Columbus and the New World

      Sailing is sport worth trying. After you have been at sea, sailing towards an unkown destination for a couple  of months or even years such as in  the cases of Captain Cook or Magellan, you know it's not such a small world after all. How long did it take to sail from New York to San Fransisco, not all that long ago? Around Cape Horn ? Boo yeah, that be character building! Stalled in the Sargasso, nothing but you , a hundred million eels and the sun hammering down on the sheet of iron, anvil like ocean. Yopiks! Even voyages undertaken for a few laughs can turn precarious. A trip across the Hudson can have an uncertain outcome for the unprepared.
     Want to be a sailor? Of course you do, but be warned. During the last round the world clipper ship race in nineteen thirty something, ten ships set sail from the Faroe islands . Five were lost with all hands. Three others foundered off the coast of Africa. Only one actually completed the journey losing more than a few of it's crew to disease and accident. They won that race.
      Tough sport, not for everyone.

If you don't like it......Move!

    Morin Wack , a business asssociate of mine, was a great proponent of this philosphy. Often times we find our selves in what might be called transitional neighborhoods. Appartments that were once OK are turning into roach infested hell holes and our once friendly neighbors can no longer be counted on for a cup of flour and  our new neighbors are probably selling the stereos out of our cars at some local chop shop. It is time to move.
   We wear the rose colored glasses that tell us it ain't so bad. If there is a trail of blood down the sidewalk to the corner bodega where you buy the paper and some smokes, it's time to move , dude. Your apartment is cheap. Man in this neighborhood , life is cheap. Move.
   The suburbs aren't for everyone, but  I have rarely, make that never, been punched in the face for no real reason in my new neighborhood. Take some of your beer money and put it towards rent. Take a good look around and pretend you are looking at where you live for the first time. Time to move?

So the Sun Sets on Senior Week.

   What a week it's been. We have covered finance and fitness, sex and romance; heck, I can't  rememeber without going back and re-reading the stuff, and who has time for that. We are all getting older, but it seems to mean so much more to our oldsters. The rush of time acclerates as one ages, until the gaping grave seems like a whirlpool, inexcorabley sucking you into it. With little left to lose and little time to lose it, today's modern senior is grabbing for all of life's passions and pleasures with both hands.
    So as we recklessly plunge forward , we defy the common wisdom that with age comes wisdom and dignity, but rather give credence to the old saying," There's no fool , like an old fool."

It's the Golfing Life for Me.

     It's like saying" I'm a Bulgarian." or " I'm a Protesant from Ohio." It's not what you do, but who you are. You are a golfer. "I'm a bowler " is another thing that comes close. Some of these pastimes are religions /identities unto themsleves.
   Do you leave a glove on your left hand while engaging in the love relation? Admit it. You know you want to. Is there always a ball maker in your pocket? Just in case, you might  need to mark your ball in the middle of a wedding or a business meeting.  Admit it. Are you tan and very time you try on a shirt or a pair of slacks, is your ability to swing a club your only concern?
 Admit it.You don't dream of supermodels or George Clooney, you dream of three hundred yard drives and sixty foot putts that go once around the hole and drop in like an atomic bomb. Boo yeah!
 Is it a geezer sport? Yes and no. By a merciful god , the last thing you will do on this earth is sink a birdie putt on the eighteenth hole before grabbing your chest and going face down. In the meanwhile, knock off early and get eighteen in before dark. Or seventeen , play the last hole in the dark.

Retired Upstate New York Pipe Fitter Wins Nobel Prize

    Since the dawn of civilization the human race has tried to fry a fish fillet and serve it on a stick. Helene Tottenberg of New Baltimore NewYork, was not only the first women in the Plumbers and Steamfitters Local , she is also the first person to get a fish fillet to stay on a stick through the frying and the eating.  "It's the secret ingredient in the batter that makes all the difference and the proper species of fish.."
   " I can tell you the porgy is the fish to use, but the ingredient must remain a secret."  The Nobel Comittee took notice a few years back when Miss Tottenberg almost had it with her perch kabobs.
    Mr. Sven  of the Nobel Committee in his announcement from Stockholm yesterday said, " Yah, like the corn dog with a fish,  yes  have we been this excited."
     Ms, T.  has said her ingredient is a two part substance. I hope she isn't cheatin' and using some sort of epoxy, unless it is a new kind of edible epoxy. Congrats to Ms. Tottenberg , you've done New Baltimore proud.

Jackin' Deer - Growin' Weed

    Ah, the crack of the .22 calber rifle an hour or two after sunset. You know some crafty senior is getting the jump on deer season and filling the freezer with another retirement deer. Today's seniors are more self reliant than ever. Even if a fixed or no income limits your options for golf and winters in Florida, the modern oldster can  still mantain a gracious lifestyle. That feeling of independence you get butchering a deer and drinking whiskey out in your shed by lantern light is something money can't buy. For the things money must buy, like lantern gas and whiskey there is always a cash crop. More than one local senior is taking advantage of the ridiculously inflated weed market.
  So as the sunsets and the golden glow of our golden years approaches, don't look forward with dread. Look  forward with your chin set and your eyes clear. Consider wistfully your misspent youth. Say to yourself , "The hell, this ain't too bad."

Sensational Seniors Trading Cards !

    Wow! What a Concept. I thought I'd seen it all with Lives of the Saints Trading Cards, with miracle stats, Saint Sebastian rookey cards and whatnot.
   My first batch had Eubie Blake, the veteran piano player and chain smoker, who made the most likely to die list more than anyone. Mother Theresa. Who could beat her for shriveled? Nobody, that's who. The owlish and ancient George Burns. Gar!!! That thing was old!  I got a Karen Black rookey card. She's pretty old, but she ain't pretty. She could reach Hall Of Fame status if she keeps making them cheap horror films where she plays the" hag next door". You go girl!
    It's a sign of the times and we are just seeing the tip of this ice berg. We are entering the age of Aquarius. Jupiter aligns with Mars. Maybe peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars.

Seniors Riot For Equal Rights

  Not content to rock on porches, play bingo and crochet doilies, our seniors are mixing it up in  the streets like never before. With nothing to lose, there is little these highly commited oldsters won't do. We are seeing them wade straight into lines of riot police shouting, "Shame on you pig, beating an old Granny!"
   I asked a few of these active Seniors what they are fighting  for at a recent Redistribute America Movement (R.A.M.) rally that turned violent.. Usually I get something about equal rights and  the fair play line, but nine out of ten are saying " Who cares, I just love a good street fight.". It seems they are out for the air and excersize and to lift their spirits.
    We will be seeing more and more of these antique anarchists. I suggest not smirking, unless you want a brick in the face.

Stay Warm. It's Very Important.

     Ask any geezer: "What's your secret to a long and happy life?" Nine times out of ten, you get the "stay warm" answer. The other ten percent will go on and on about the importance of friends and family and good diet and exercise and so on. Then there will be the one in a hundred that says a shot of rye first thing every morning does the trick.
  So begins Geezer Week. Our  mail bag has been bursting at the seams with questions, comments,  and rants and raves from our oldsters. Here's one right off the top.
    Hey You,
          We heard  all about you from Hurwitz's grandson. Now you gonna pretend you no (his spellin') something about growing old graciously. You are nothing but a blowhard and a phony, so up yours. Whatya think of that smartass?
                                  Respectfully Yours,
                                                        Gene (the machine)  Murray
Dear Mr. Murray
       Thanks for your interest, and I love your nick name. Stay warm.
 Best,
         Smoothstar
        

Teen Week Wrap-up

    As Teen Week draws to a close let's re-cap what we have learned. Teens are at the heart inscrutable. To understand the teen you must be a teen and having been a teen is of no help whatsoever.Teens are just like us, only more so.
    Perhaps next week we will move to the other end of the human spectrum and examine the habits, hear the issues and smell the smells of our Seniors. Senior Week will delve deeply into our Senior's deepest secrets as we unlock the vault to our most experienced and entrenched commrades. I know alot of them like golf.
   
Countdown to deer season: 14 Days.  Also our local minor league hockey team,  a New Jersey Devils affliliate, has their opener next Saturday as well. There's lots to look forward to.
  

Teens Rate Favorite Ammo for Deer Season

 With deer season just around the corner, I asked some of my teen friends what they will be taking into the woods this season. Their answers may surprise you.
    Bobby Fallon of Ypsilanti, Michigan writes. " My two sisters and I all use the .270 early in the season. We sometimes take shots at around two hundred yards across the fields late and early in the day. It shoots flat at that distance. When we drive out the woodlots later in the season, we  switch to the shot guns with whatever slugs we have laying around . They have great knock down power in close and we use them to kick the bunnies around if the deer aren't co-operating."
    Jilly Brown of Bennington, Vermont writes. " You don't think  of the .45/70 as a girls gun, but I only take one shot a year. Knocks them right down everytime, no matter where you hit 'em. But goddamn, that gun kicks like a mule!"
     Thanks kids for your ammo insights. Who sez teens don't have good sense?

Idle Hands. The Devil's Workshop.

     A teenager with time on their hands. Oh yes, they will think of something to do. As a young teen, for me, that usually involved trying to make something that would explode. As an older teen that usually meant an alteration of consciousness.
  But what of the modern teen? What are they up to in those quiet, uncommited hours? I see myself a savvy modern parent. But for the life of me, I can't figure out what those sneaky little fiends are up to. They've got to be up to something. Usually, Smoothstar has all the answers. Today, I have a question.
   Here's The Smoothstar TEEN CHALLENGE.
What are you kids doin'?  It better not be just homework, athletics,  and community service. There must be some kids building a go kart out of their neighbor's snowblower somewhere.

Parents Who Won't Quit Buggin' Their Children

   We all know the type. " Where ya goin'? When you gonna be back? Are there going to be any adults there? Will there be boys and beer?" Endless stupid questions. Then there are the endless suggestions about personal appearance and choice of friends. "That oufit makes you look like a  gangbanger/streetwalker." "Those friends of yours are lowlifes and criminals."
   " Geez mom/dad why don't you just quit buggin' me?" Well parents, why don't you quit buggin' them kids? You have raised them to have good character and to make good and positive choices. Think back to your own folks buggin' you. Remember all the good teen choices you made.
     Gar! It's a wonder any human children survive at all.
   Smoothstar sez, "Hey teens , try not to get pounded today." That goes for you parents too.

Smoothstar's Tips For Teens

  Many of my readers are teenagers, were teenagers or will soon be teenagers. This being Teen Week, I thought I should address of a few of the most pressing issues facing teens of today and yesterday. I'll break it out into two parts. Skin care and dating do's and don'ts.
   Skin care
1. Face your face. I mean wash your face. I like Oil of Olay's age defying soap. It's creamy and leaves your face feeling clean.
2.Don't bother showering everyday in the winter. Studies show the deer can smell you anyway. Keep them upwind, and the same goes for people.
    Dating do's and don'ts.
1. Don't be a schmoo.
2. Do be polite.
3. Don't forget to shower. Wash your feet real good, you might get lucky.
    Tomorrow: How to drive like a teen.

Teenage Girl Names Father in Lawsuit

   " I'm going to sue you for disturbing my mind ", the teenage girl spluttered. It seems her Dad had a habit of yanking up the legs of his plaid bermuda shorts, giving himself a sort of wedgy, then doing a fun little dance. Where's the harm? It feels pretty good, and I do it myself now and again, but it somehow upset the child.
    Teenagers are easily embarassed . That's what makes them so fun to have around. Often your mere appearance without saying or doing anything can do the trick. It doesn't help if you dress like Eurotrash and the Mother looks like some sort of mad Gypsy. Kids are so conservative.
   You have a car and money so they will put up with your hijinks. Enjoy the teenage years. They won't cringe at the sight of you forever.

101 Things To Do On A Sunday

1. Pay Bills
2. Do Laundry
3. Sing Shoo Fly Don't Bother Me to the melody of Swing Low Sweet Chariot
4.Clean Frog Water
5. Shoot
6.Sing Michael Row The Boat until you start crying
7.Sleep Eat Breath
8. Watch "Trollhunter"
9.Stew

I asked the family. This is what they suggest. Ask you own family. It's something to do. Mail your ideas to me.

Animal Husbandry

      This is a term that has long fascinated us. What exactly does husbandry mean? I know what it means around my house and it ain't pretty.
      It is defined as a branch of agriculture concerned with the care and breeding of domestic animals such as goats, hogs and so forth. It doesn't have anything to do with being a husband.  It's not just something some jerky junior high kid says.
   All right, I'll have to admit it. For some reason, animal husbandry crossed my mind as soon as I woke up this morning and it just sounded funny, but what's so funny? Nothing really, but don't it sorta sound funny?

Something So Mundane As Flossing

   There is so much to consider every day. Sometimes there are huge life changing decisions to be made and followed through on. Let's move, let's have a baby, let's go porgy fishing. At any moment, your life can be irrevocably changed in so many ways.
    Certain things in the face of change should stay the same. No matter what is happening, we can't neglect good dental hygiene. I went though a wistful period in my life. I thought, brush once a day in the morning ...ah the hell with it, what difference does it make? That once a day brushing, no regular visits to the dentist, and I was too wistful to floss.
   After a while we enter a new period of life. A trip to the dentist for a throbbing agony. "Yoiks man!" he says, "You haven't been flossing have you, Dave?"  "No matter, my yacht needs a new propellor." he says.
    I paid for the propeller, and it's a big yacht. Don't be a fool like me. Floss; it's a verb.

Among My Souvenirs

      I have on my desk a golf ball. It will never be teed up again. This ball managed to survive eighteen holes of golf, not just any golf, but Smoothstar golf. It is now a memento.
    I have others. It is sometimes important to have these small keepsakes. They are reminders of special moments, of course they are. We must be able to differentiate between a keepsake and old busted-ass crap. A chain saw you think you can fix does not have sentimental value. A fifty caliber machine gun bullet that you bought at your first gun show, now there is sentimental.
    Look around your room. You should have some stuff that brings glimpses of who you are or who you were. Not too much, or your place gets stuffy, so they say.

Snazzy Pants and Peculiar Trousers

    Droopy drawers, ass pants. These are just two fashion faux pas' that we can suffer. The ass pants are the pants where by the center seam attacks yer  butt crack. I know this may seem a bit crude early in the morning, but many of you are probably dressing right now. If your pants feel a little bit haunted, they are. When all your pride and self repect are gone, your fashion choices are made by what isn't covered in paint or blood stains or gravy.
      Gals, are you leaving the house this morning wearing a mid calf length floral skirt , jogging shoes and a great big cardigan sweater, like grampa used to wear? Yoiks! I know it's already wednesday but let's call this Smoothstar Fashion Week. Sure, if you are cleaning your gutters or snaking a drain that's one thing. If you are hitting the kid's open house or even going to the grocers. Let's look sharp. Let's make fashion choices; don't be just smelling what you put on, look at it too.

Almost Deer Season

  Where does the time go? We boiled up the last of last years venison last night to make a nice split pea soup. Can it really be time to start thinking about hunting the deer again already? So much undone and so much to be left undone once hunting season starts in earnest.
     I was reminded this morning by this letter I received,  just how quickly the seasons go round and round..
    Dear Smoothstar,
             Is it too late to catch porgies this year? Are perch and porgies the same fish?
    Signed,
              Tom
Dear Tom,
            Thanks for your letter. Clear your calendar, and I'll pick you up in about an hour and we'll see about them porgies.
  Best ,
          Smoothstar

Tree Surgery. No License Required.

       We have all seen the guy in the cartoon, saw the limb off that he's sitting on. It seems impossible that anyone could be so dumb. Yeah, right. My guess is this very morning, all across America and the world for that matter, there are folks lying in hospital beds with shattered bones and huge, horrible stitched up wounds directly caused by weekend tree pruning. The combination of the chain saw and the ladder is probably the cause of more than a few of these injuries.
     The long handled pruning saw (neither the electric or the gas fired models, but strictly manual) is relatively dope proof. Half way though your first limb, your shoulders will be begging for mercy. You saw off a few small branches and put that stupid thing away. It's football season, man. If you drink, crack a beer and hit the couch. Chores done, and the game's on and you still have all of your own limbs. That's a good day of pruning.

Long Distance Running

    Let's say you smoke a pack of butts a day. Perhaps you are fifty, sixty pounds over weight. Maybe you have a pesky drug habit or your booze consumption is on it's way to appalling. You might start to consider the possiblity of some healthier lifestyle choices. Some of the more intractable problems may require a bit of professional help. Others may benefit from long distance running.
   Starting slow is key. If you go right out there and think you can run around like you are fouteen years old, you'd best just call an ambulance. My own experience was such that I couldn't run a hundred yards without coughing my guts out, but each day I would go a  little bit further. After a few weeks, months or years, depending upon how far you have let yourself go, you will start to have renewed vigor and zest.
     When you get back from your morning run , have a jammin' load of waffles, you've earned it.

Dream Golf

     It is easy to improve your golf game while you are sleeping. This may seem like a bold claim, but it is true. After a round of double par golf you may wonder about the wisdom of pursuing the game any further. Take heart friends, you are about to have a breakthrough! Here's the trick. Play for a couple of days in a row, particularly after long work days. Just hack and hack and hack away at it, through the frustration , the fatigue,  the dozens of lost balls, no matter. Skip dinner, play until darkness, through swarms of mosquitoes. Hacking, hacking, hacking. After a few days of this. Lie down and close your eyes.
    Then the dream game comes. In your dream you have a perfect swing. In your dream, your chip shots are like rainbows. Your putts swirl into the hole as if by magnetic force. The sky looks like a painting by Goya.
   Take a few days off. Get some real rest. Try again. If the serenity doesn't come, repeat as necessary.

Etiquette Week Ends. Politeness Continues.

    We have learned alot this week.
1.Pull up your pants.
2.No fartin in church.
3.Mind your tone of voice. That condecending tone, no one likes.
4.Thank You Notes. Not just for your old Auntie.
5.Cigars are OK, if it's real buggy.
6.Shut that dog up.
7.Don't park your car in someone's nice driveway if it leaks a lot of stuff, oil, antifreeze, etc.
8.Put on a shirt man, I'm eating.
9.Consider the consequences. If I do or say this, they will kick that?  Some people have feelings.

So ends Etiquette Week. If you have other sugestions, send 'em in ,or better still get them printed on a t-shirt.

* oh yeah , no babies in the bar. (shouldn't have to tell you)

Camping Is Fun

    Don't leave your good manners at home when you go on vacation. Just because you are out in nature is no reason to act the ape. Quiet is the one thing that  most campers appreciate the most. Wether it is beer drenched guffawing around the camp fire late into the evening or early morning pot wrasslin', you won't make many friends at any car camping spots. It's different, if you are way out in the back country. At your state parks and KOA campsites, keep them pie holes quiet. Also be mindful where you clean your fish.
    If your idea of camping is staying at a Holiday Inn, the same rules apply. The walls are thin, like a tent. Keep the ruckus down, that's all I'm sayin'.
 

Etiquette Question Answered

Dear Smoothststar,
           I have been invited to go deer hunting with the fellas at my office. I expect they are not used to having a lady at deer camp. I am already used to their junior high brand of high jinx, but I suspect they may push it up a notch or two out in the woods. They are fun loving boys and  I do enjoy spending time with them. We have spent great days shark fishing, golfing and playing pick-up hockey. Should I overcome my slight trepidation or just hunt with the girls again this year? My main question is, how do I decline without hurting their feelings?
     Signed,   Fun Loving , But Nervous
Dear FLBN,
          Don't worry, these guys are probably brutes without feelings. It's hunting. If they get fresh, shoot 'em.
                       

It's Etiquette Week on Smoothstar

1. Don't slurp your soup swiney boy.
2.Not a lot of talking while fishing, thank you.
3.No talking while I'm trying to hit a golf ball. None. Not one word. No sounds.
4.You can mow or weed whack before 9 am on a Sunday, if you don't mind a punch in the face.
5.Also, limit the chit chat during a hockey game. That's what the intermissions are for.
6. Don't stop me if I've told you this before. Anything.
7.Double your wedding gift if you can't attend the ceremony. Count yer blessings.
8.Change your socks, brush your teeth, all that stuff, don't forget.

More tomorrow, I got work.

Raising Dairy Goats

       There is no better addition to the suburban lifestyle than the dairy goat, or more clearly goats. Each goat needs ten square feet of shed or barn space and a minimal amount of yard space. Goat milk, pretty much tastes like cow milk. The fat content will vary with such things as air temperature, diet and goat age. A single milking goat will get lonely and blue, so it needs a companion goat of either a non-milking female or non-breeding male. Most goats aren't stinky, but breeding males can be a bit smelly.( I know what that's like). The angora goat might make a nice companion goat. They can be sheared for the wool, I think.
   Goats need to be milked every twelve  hours. They can be a bit wiggly I hear and hard to milk until you get the hang of it.  You might get a gallon of milk a day out of a nice dairy goat.
   Someone told me this stuff. I'm sure there's more to it. But it was enough to pique my interest. Does it pique yours?

Let's Pump Some Iron!

    Slamming the free weights isn't just prison yard fun. We can all benefit from some weight lifting. If heavy lifting is part of your daily work, you will be hard pressed to see why you should lift anything without getting paid to do so. Some lads will say weight lifting is just work for no money. To have a long career in manual labor, you will have to train to stay in the game. When you are young it is different. You get strong fast and stay that way.
    At any yard sale you can find cheap barbells and dumbells, weight benches,etc. The more sedentary you are, the more of this gear you will need. Say you tape drywall for a living. All you will need is a single dumbell to pump with the opposite of your trowling hand. This will keep your back in balance. If you slug away in some cubicle on the phone all day, you will need to hit the iron hard to keep from turning to mush.
    This isn't just for the fellas, you gals need to do a bit of lifting too. Let's not all turn into a bunch of shriveled  old ladies any sooner than we must.

Gossip Is Bad

   I always try to keep a positive attitude, but today I will speak briefly about something we shouldn't do, rather than things we might try. I am going to try to not repeat anything anyone tells me, even to myself. That's the trick. Someone tells you something. Something in some way private. The temptation is always to ruminate on it. " Can you  believe that?"; you say to yourself. Then you start to feel the need to discuss it with some third party.
   Here's what I'm going to try. If I have to preface anything I say to anyone with, " This is just between you and me",  I am going to use some sort of Jedi mind wash on myself and instantly forget what I was going to say. A lot of times that just happens anyways, but I'm going to try and make a more conscious effort to do it.
  Seems like a paradox. Making a conscious effort to remove something for your consciousness. Hmmm...I think I should stick to fish fry recipes.
  

Baloney and Cheese. Like Never Before.

    For the last installment of FOOD WEEK, we'll have a look at solar cooking. Moms love  baloney. The black lunch box that sorta looks like a barn, the  working man's classic, makes baloney swing. Left in the sun, it gets hot inside. The cheese melts, the boloney sweats, and even the stalest bread  softens up, to turn this American classic delicious. Do not leave a bannana  in there with it, or a can of beer or lunch is ruined.
   Another solar treat is the sundried sun fish. In Lake Perris or your local pond, you can catch tiny sunfish ( the smaller the better) all day on crickets or little garden werms. Gut  'em, scale 'em, leave the heads on. Place  'em on a piece of aluminum foil on the hood of your truck. Cover with a little frame with some window screening to keep the flies off. Should be a hot sunny day of course. Serve with a Thai, hot pickled mudfish sauce. Oh yes.

Eight Buck Duck

  At the local Asian grocers they sell the whole duck. Minimally processed, this duck  is plucked , but also includes the head and the feet; for the uniniciated this can be a bit off putting. I am sure there are recipes that call for the head and feet but, I am not familar with them. Be warned the eight buck duck is not the same duck as the "plump or Long Island Duck", also known as the "thirteen buck duck". The eight buck duck, for  my purposes, is a soupifying duck. Don't think you can jam an apple in it, shove it in the oven, and  magically it will turn into a delicous roasted Christmas duck. It won't. I tried that in our test kitchen. It turned into what I call "mummified duck". An interesting dish, sort of, but not really.
   Buy your cheap duck and make duck soup. The skinny, eight buck duck is perfect. Not so greasy. Try using the head and feet. They would make a cool garnish at least. Bring it to a pot luck.  Let me know how that works out.

Do It Yourself Funerals

   This latest trend of having a home wake, digging a grave in the  backyard and burying your deceased family member or friend is gaining some traction. I know this is a heavy subject. In a large measure, digging a hole four or five feet wide and six feet deep is the easy part. Most folks don't own a back hoe and renting one is often fraught with difficulties. Unless you are renting what amounts to a toy , there are questions of insurance, and pick-up and delivery, which can become quite costly and quickly. Hand digging is almost always theraputic, in some way, in all but the rockiest soil.
   The hole dug. The wake must be held with dignity and solemnity. The possibility of it turning into some drunken debacle is right there.Use maturity and good judgement. Make it a pot luck and easy on the hard liquor.
     I hope none of us has to consider this sort of activity anytime soon, but don't automatically think that this last move on earth must be left to the pros only.

Four Letter Word. Starts With F.

   Fish. Fall. We are coming into the fall fishing season. For me one of the four most exciting of the four fishing seasons. As the foiliage starts to change  and you gals start wearing those tight cashmere sweaters that I love so much , I start to think of jack perch  and schooling stripers. The third game of the NFL season marks the beginning of the fall striper run. As the gagillions of eel  fry start heading towards the sea and the blue crabs migrate up into the river, the striped bass arrive. Not the giant spawning fish of spring but the five to ten pounders. Check the regs . I think they gotta be 18 inches or so and it may be one or two fish a day in the Hudson.
       Perch fishing is truly the sport of kings, not horse racing. Worms early and minnows right before ice.
Fashion tip: Wear orange for fall fishing, the fish won't see you, but the gals in cashmere will.
  

Fiery Fashions for Fall

   Orange. That's right ladies. Orange is it for this fall.  And python prints are still hot. Combine the two and you will be fashion forward. If you want to be a trendsetter, start with mixing up your oranges this fall. Shades of orange seperates that say wow, pow and now! Fellas , don't let the ladies have all the fun. Picture yourself in an orange tee with an orange sport coat, orange skinny jeans and orange chuck taylor allstars. Don't get matchy-matchy. They must all be different shades. I usually avoid the blaze orange except for hunting deer, but if you are bold , you can throw a little fluorescent orange into an ensemble. Maybe a nice python print scarf to accessorize.( for guys and gals)
   Consider the jack-o-lantern. Counting the flame, how many shades of orange are there in a carved pumpkin? Look close and you'll see what I mean.
   I saw Junior Wells a number of years ago wearing a orange mohair, three piece suit with matching faux fur fedora and orange alligator shoes. Unforgettable!

Cabrito. Means Delicious.

    I don't know where you can buy a nice young goat, all butchered and ready to cook around here. You most likely will have to raise your own. That is the first step to today's receipe. Find out about raising goats and get that going first. I think there may be a zoning regulation against keeping goats for meat or pets in my neighborhood. Are they noisy? Smelly? What? What about goat milk? What's up with that? Does it taste like cow milk? Dunno. I like the goat cheese at the market. I bet there are some tricks to making that as well. Have you got to get up early every day to milk 'em? If I want to go on vacation, do I have to get some neighborhood kid ( no pun intended ) to milk them while I'm gone.
  I'm already half a hostage to my dog. I think this cabrito recipe might be a mistake. Find a good quality Spanish restaurant and order the Cabrito Kabobs or Cabrito Chile. If you like it and decide raising goats is your thing, let me know how it works out for you.

Improve Your Golf Game in 7 Days or Less- Part 2

  As a follow-up to our July25th posting, we are revisiting, "The Game". If you took up golf  five weeks ago, and have been diligent in up grading your gear over the last five saturdays of yard saleing, you should have seen some dramatic improvements. Hopefully you have gotten a monster driver , and at least one of these hybrid woods. Retire the two iron. The old jokes sez, "Even god can't hit a two iron." It's why you hold it up in a lightening storm.
  Remember what Sam Snead once said, "The harder you try, the worse you suck." I'm paraphrasing here. Here's something I tried that don't work. Wacking a wiffle golf ball around your front yard. I opened the window on the pick-up and aimed at that. It just makes you look dopey. There's no such move in real golf.
    The best advice I think is, play twice this week, you'll get better. I  think playing  a lot will help. Let me know how it works out, next saturday.

Secret Spas, Last Resorts, Hidden Hideaways

    What makes a great travel destination? That's a question I'm asked almost daily.

1. Northeast Wyoming. More antelope than people.
2.South Central Rhode Island shore. One word. Porgy fishing.
3.Ojingnaga,  Mexico. Nice 1920's movie theater. Quiet, friendly jail.
4.Anywhere in Barbadoes. Scorching sun and excellent scones.
5.Pico Peak ,Vermont and West Mountain, Glens Falls NY.  Skiing, 70's style.
6.Clarksville. So secret,  you must call me for the lowdown.
7. I always wanted to go to Albania. Anyone ever been there?

I like to take a hot bath and put chamomille teabags on my eyes. Make your own bathroom a day spa.
Try that and get back to me.

The Poggio of Delmar

   Also known as Poggious Delmarius, this scriptor has labored long in his scriptorium.
   "Hold on there Smoothstar, what's this mumbo-jumbo?" I have discovered a rare species of man. A man without guile, untainted, or at least unaffected  by the modern day; Much like a forgotten hold-out of World War Two, guarding a cave against an attack that will never come, as the war ended years ago.
    The Poggio will succeed me as The Smoothstar. The Smoothstar pagent is canceled. Back to Fun, Food, Fashion, Fitness and Finance tommorrow. This is great news. The Poggio will assume his duties on the first of the year.

Job Requirements

  Heavy is the head that wears the crown. So goes the old saying. As we prepare to pass the mantel of the Smoothstar on, let's look at what you need to know if you want to enter our pagent  (.Entries due on opening day, middle of October sometime)
1.  No more than three felony convictions please.
2 .Must be at least twelve years old.
3. The swimsuit and evening wear apsects will be waived for the reclusive.
4.Must be able to write a paragraph or so a day for a year (baring acts of god) on lifestyle topics.

That's about it for the requirements, now for the benefits.
1.Unlimited use of house in Vail*
2.A brand new Cadillac*
3. Keepsies on all comped product.
4. Three pair of dude socks from The Capital Mills Sock Company

* subject to availability

Readers Poll Results Are In

We had an overwhelming positive response to our readers poll.

1. 33% of  our readers are bald or balding
2. The Pirate Position is prefered over the Missionary Position by both men and women by over two to one. Three to one in France.
3. Nearly 100% percent of our readers fish. Excellent!
4. Only one reader reported a near death experience. An electrician who saw 400 volts worth of God.
5.Most all of our readers like to party. That's counting all parties.

That does it until next year. We will continue to serve until the first of the year, when we will elect a new Smoothstar for 2012. We will start taking nominations on opening day of deer season.

( Postings may be sporadic as the power is ripped off the house from the huricane. Reporting from the Delmar library)

Natural Disasters

Guest bloggers here (due to hurricane Irene Smoothstar is unfortunately out of commission)
Sometimes in every one's lives the weather decides that they want to ruin every one's plans for that day. Although the cat in the hat says that we can all have fun that is funny even if the sun is not sunny, the weather can still put a kibosh on your enjoyment. This hurricane for example. I was planning on going on a nice long cruise in my yacht around long island, but then suddenly there was copious amounts of wind and rain. Have you ever tried riding in a yacht on the middle of a hurricane? You shouldn't try it. Unless, of course, you want to drown everyone on board, including yourself.
As porky pig says, that's all folks!

Our Annual Reader Survey

1.What is your weekly income?
2.Are you bald, or balding?
3.Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party, or any other Party?
4.Do you know any beekeepers?
5.Do you or any of your aquaintences keep rabbits or other domestic animals for meat or pets?(not counting dogs ,cats)
6.Have you ever had a near death experience where you saw yourself or felt like you were floating over your own body?
7.What do you look for in a romantic partner?
a.lots of money b.good looks c.sense of humor d.nice car e.all of the above
8.Do you fish?

By taking our quick survey we will be better able to serve you with all the latest information for gracious living, good health and fiduciary solvency. Thank you for your interest and support over these last few months. Best
Smoothstar

Like A Bobby Charles Song

When you have a moment when the mix of the bitter and the sweet is just so. It can happen almost anytime. Anything from the end of the romantic evening when the sun is just starting to crack the horizon and you are walking home on a quiet city street, to waiting in a old pick-up truck for the rain to stop on some windswept job site. It's not just for someone else or only in the movies. It's definitely not only for the young. It's so beautiful you think your heart will just break, but it don't.
You might ask, "Hey Smoothstar, why so wistful this morning?" I just woke up with the old Bobby Charles tune, "The Jealous Kind" running through my head. Don't know why.

Composting for Beginners and How to be a Cornoisseur

Get a big plastic trash can with a lid that will stay on, to avoid raids by critters. Drill some good size holes in the bottom. Put in some busted up twigs. Toss in some clean top soil, also called dirt. Start throwing in your vegetable scraps, potato peels, egg shells ,coffee grounds, etc.(not meat).Keep a good size jug, to collect this stuff, with a lid, in your kitchen and empty that into your compost can every few days or it stinks up the joint. Jam a shovel or a pitch fork(available at any yard sale)in your compost can every few weeks and stir it up a bit. After a few months you have what we call black gold. It peps up your soil, also called dirt.
Fine corn is like fine Art. Don't open a dozen ears for every one you pick or there might be a fight.

The Hawk

Who wants to be cool? That's kind of a dumb question, you might say; and it is. We all want to be cool. We all want, "Oh that Bob, he so cool", or "That Marylou is the coolest kid in school."
All of you Smoothstar officionadoes already listen to the coolest music, and wear the coolest clothes, have the coolest cars, throw the coolest parties. The list is long. We are entering a windy period. An election is coming, as is a hurricane. When it really starts to blow, I am clueing you in to the coolest thing to say. You don't say, "It's blowing like a _____", fill in the blank. You kind of make a small shuddering sort of gesture and say, "Ooo...The Hawk."

You say Scup, I say Porgy. Two names, one great fish.

It's scientific name is Stenomus chrysops. The French call them Pagre commun, the Japanese, Youroppa-madai. I call 'em tasty. Scup is a shortened version of the Narrganset Indian name of Mishi-Kuppi. Porgy is rumored to be also of native American origin, meaning "fertilizer". My Dad called them Porgys, so that's good enough for me.
This August you could catch them all day long right off the beach. I figure on two fish per person when they are about ten inches long.(four, if you are a gourmand)

Porgy fillets ,skined and dry.
Dip in half milk and egg whipped
Roll in a nice bread crumb mix
Deep fry them babies in screamin' hot oil*
Serve with ketchup, hot sauce and tata sauce

*remember to always have a fire extinguisher handy when deep frying

When is Switzerland , Do As the Swiss Do

I have been told, by a very reliable source, that the Swiss are some of the most affectionate people on earth. If you find yourself in Zurich and are introduced to a genuine Switzerwoman or Switzerman, grasp their hand frimly, pull them close to your chest like they are your homeys and kiss them at least three times. You will make a good impression. They won't be saying those Americans are so cold and stand-offish. They may wiggle about a bit afterwards and check themselves to be sure you haven't lifted their wallets or their watches, but you will have established a nice rapport, right from go.
Next question. Is it OK to bring warm Champagne as a gift to a party host? Check tomorrow's Smoothstar for the answer.

Out of Sight and Out of Mind

There is a saying, "What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve." Today, let's look forward. It seems I remember that Eva Peron kept her husband Juan's embalmed corpse hanging around for years after he was dead . Dead Juan was her dining companion and confidant. Not to be judgemental, but it seems unhealthy, not to mention unhygienic. I don't think I'm making this up. I hope not. To quote another old saying. "How can you miss me if I never go away?"
Let's not linger on what is gone, be it our hair, our fortunes, our beautiful misspent youth. What's gone is gone, man. Heck, it's almost deer season; there is always something to look forward to.

The Leopard and It's Spots.

In the words of Popeye. "I am what I am and that's all that I am." There is also a lightbulb joke with the punch line that the lightbulb needs to want to change. So today's topic is personal change. The woman's perogative is to change her mind they say, but I'd say that holds true for us all.
Here's my example. I knew a fella who kept a list of them that done him wrong. He spent quite a bit of time contemplating revenge. After a while, he realized that the thoughts in his head were like a slasher movie,running over and over. He asks himself,"Does this constitute thinking?" No Dave, it does not. He asked a friend what might be done and was given these words of wisdom. "Try to make yourself useful, ya dope."
ps. many thanks to our celebrity, substitute bloggers. Great job! Your sox will be arriving in 8 to 10 weeks.

Money

In Micronesia there was a money stone, huge in proportion, perhaps once a millwheel brought to the far away archipelago as ballast in the hold of a sailing ship or to preform its actual fucntion. A square hole through the center of a massive round stone, the huge stone represented wealth to the native peoples of Ponape. Can't get a loaf of bread with it. It is far too heavy to move, to even roll, and how do you make change? Coins of copper silver and gold date back to man's earliest history. So what are the Micronesians doing without any coinage or currency in the 17th and 18th actually into the 19th and 20th centuries?

I was a millionaire for one day in Venice Italy when I went to the monetary exchange and got over a million Lire for $500. I bought a lot of good times with my million spent it all in three days. At the height of inflation in Brasil my wife tossed me some spending money as she was going out with her aunt and cousins, 500,000 Cruseiros. After buying a pack of cigarettes with my half a million, I did not have enough left over to get a bottle of beer. I thought of the German man in an old black and white news reel rolling a wheelbarrow full of deutsche marks to the market to get a loaf of bread during the great depression.

Fort Knox was once stacked full of gold. I know that because I saw Pussy Galore trying to steal it in GOLDFINGER. One thing people always say is, "You can't take it with you." A lot of people have died trying. I believe counterfieters will get so good at what they do, that in less that twenty years paper money will be so corrupted, you will not be able to see the difference. Governments will scramble to find solutions, but hackers will make, and already do make plastic that passes for your mastercard. Something that truly calms me in these trying times I have known the REAL Smoothstar to say many times in my distant past... "Damn it all. Blow it all." I am not going to get myself a hernia trying to roll a giant millstone into my front yard.

Airport Security

Flying has never been safer since 911. Not because of enhanced airport security but because of what happened that day.

Remember we used to negotiate with hijackers. After releasing some of their buddies from prison or a suitcase of money they would let everyone go after a few days. Because we knew our best chance of survival was to just sit quietly in our seats and do what they say we did just that.

Now that’s changed. Now they don’t want to negotiate anything, they want to fly the plane into some building. Well who the hell is gonna just sit there and accept that outcome? No one, including whoever is in the cockpit. They won’t be relinquishing control under any circumstance short of death. The passengers won’t put up with that crap either. If you remember the passengers on the last plane on 911 decided to take matters into their own hands and foil the hijackers plans. That will happen every time now.

As a result, hijackers are out of business and our skies are safer because of it. So why do they keep adding more and more safety checks on us? They are looking inside our underwear now and it won’t be long before it is a full body cavity search.

There will never be another 911 in our skies so stop with the enhanced airport security.

Saturday Morning

    Some of us who have the good fortune of having the weekend "free" have an opportunity to relax. Sure there is pressure from your spouse to have a backyard Barb B Que, mow the lawn, clean out all of the $#!T in the garage, or take all of your clothes to Goodwill or The Salvation Army then pack up all the of rest of your junk and just get out! You hate ultimatums, so be ready, have a plan.

Take the pressure off some this Saturday morning by taking your disgruntled other half and the entire family to a farmers market or a street fair. Load them into the car before they are fully awake. Don't worry, the place will be open at the first light of day. Admission is free, unlike Disneyland, and there is an enormous range and variety of color and sensation all around you. Fresh melons, from big striped green rind watermelons with sweet red flesh and dark seeds to cantaloupe with a bright orange middle and a tough textured hide surround you and give off fresh smells, mmmmmmmmmmm coffee. Early fresh sour green Granny Smith apples are in season for those great pies you love to bake. Chard, lettuce, radishes, carrots, some enterprising vendors sell washed and pre-prepared shredded lettuce, carrots, and beets so you can easily make a summer slaw with no work at all

It's not just vegetables and fresh fruits, I bought an aluminum bucket a couple weeks ago with a big black star on it, the logo for Botofogo soccer team. The man who sold it to me engraved the bucket free of charge for my buddy Heraclitos. $20 real and my buddy loves the thing, yeah we had COLD BEERS out of it last weekend. Everything from fresh grilled mystery meat on a stick to pirated dvds,  Pass out some fives and tens to the kids and let them run wild, but don't spend more than twenty on fresh produce or another twenty on fresh chicken for the grill or you'll never be able to eat it all. Live good be happy.

BLOGAPALOOZA

After being informed by the real Smoothstar that we would have a "free for all" during his hiatus I envisioned an ultimate cage match of the KaWaZee friends that The Smoothstar attracts with his unique wit and powers of observation. It would be like Wrestlemania with the Shamrocks and the Gracies thrown in to Give Rowdy Roddy Piper and Jimmy "Super Fly" Snooka some more reason to smuggle some coconuts into the ring and give those UFC pretenders a little "What for" with a coconut to the noggin.

We always misbehave when mom goes out, RIGHT? The Golden Boy, Haystacks Calhoun, The Hillbillies and other great iconic performers like Andre The Giant, Hulk Hogan and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine were just like all of us when they were kids. They put on some tube socks Daddy's boxer shorts and tied a T-shirt around their neck like a cape and bounced on the big bed in Mom's room like a trampoline watching her TV throwing their underwear at the screen when the villain appeared.

Wrestling shows like the ones made popular in film by the great Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, take place in Glens Falls, Troy, Albany and Syracuse. I even attended  a great wrestling show with Lars Anderson, Jimmy "Super Fly" Snooka, a Samoan, Ricky Magnet and Roy Star at the Andrew's Gym on the big Island of Hawaii. Some of Smoothstar's readers may not know who I really am. Let me tell you this... When the hail of boos and shower of trash was smacking me down as I came to ringside, I stood proud and defiant, because I am, The Great, Bo Bo Brasil! Tired of taking the kids out for a boring evening at the mall to see a crappy movie? Huh?  GO! See some real live entertainment. For about the same amount of money as a movie and popcorn you can see Steve Austin break a chair over the back of his opponent whose name ~ was? That's right, who cares? It's fun.

Taking A Gamble

Anyone who has ever watched a Triple X Rated film (and I imagine some of you probably have) has seen with their own shocked or delighted or amazed eyes the film industry at its worst. The actors deliver their contrived poorly written lines, usually something like "What do you want to do?" or just "aaaaaaaaaaaah" and my personal favorite "How much for the pizza." accompanied by "I am sure we can work something out" in one take, because the footage needs to be saved for a highlight reel of wet explicit action cut together in mind blowing(and other parts too) close-ups. "Things You Would Never Do With Strangers" comes to mind. Oh, I have seen some wild behavior at parties but suffice it to say, the plotless, no romance, no script ____fest Triple X Rated film just lacks something. Do porn stars perform for pizza? Really?

Flip the sides of the coin to Danielle Steele (I hope I spelled her name correctly) and her well written if not somewhat formulated stories. There is a plot, romance, dialogue, flowery description and so on. But just as you think, just maybe, oh yeah... you flip the page because Adrian Collins beautiful wealthy socialite has a button open on her elegant dress and wants to embrace passion, consummate a desire that has burned inside of her since her first seeing this virile embodiment of her animal instincts  ... seventy five more pages and she wants to meet for a rendezvous with Rafe in the tower of the old mansion at the cliffs. Her heart pounds as she climbs the stairs for five more pages. She sees the wolfish grin on Rafe's chiseled face. Adrian knows she will do anything to please Rafe abandoning chastity as she slowly ascends the stairs one slow step at a time entranced by Rafe's hard... muscles? Then its like the publisher lost some pages or maybe some high school kid cut the pages out of the book on the shelf before you bought it with his x-acto knife.  Oh come on Danielle, Did you run out of ink... GAH?!

You Can measure the Caliber of a Man by his Peanut Gallery

"Think it'll float?", "What kinda charcoal you use?" and other comments come from hangers on and admirers of your work. They run the gamut  from "You missed a spot." all the way to serious questions like "WHAT THE HELL IS IT?, "What is that thing?", "Got any glue?" and "What does it do?"

There is a major difference between working for someone else and working for yourself. Here is the difference; People who would never ever bother you while you are doing a drywall job on the neighbors house will hang around for hours losing the points to your Volkswagen and conversations until you just stop what you are doing. DO NOT EVER ask a peanut gallery member for help. They drop little screws and springs down the carburetor of your just finished rebuilt engine in your old 442 then spill paint all over your lawn just for example.  DO NOT EVER ask a peanut gallery member for advice. You will get enough advice without asking for more

If you are a backyard inventor or a suburban garage mechanic and not completely sociopathic, then other people will want to talk to you. Observations made by experts of all variety arrive on sunny days, completely unsolicited, sometimes they even bring beer.

The Old Routine

Whether it's the three Ss, Your morning cup of Joe, or cleaning your refrigerator of all available beer and pruning your roses during the Super Bowl, even the most unpredictable of us have routines. I like to have a shot or two before a social occasion especially when it is a one year old's birthday party, not so much for my social anxiety disorder, but to help me communicate better with the infant focus there at the party. Habits that we perform habitually all of the time regularly are routines unlike vices that hmmmm yes we do them habitually as well, butt here is argument that some habits are actually vices and vice versa... Hoooey?

When I had a job, Saturday = cleaning day for my wife as I was out of the house working, Sunday = cook-out, Monday, while everyone else went off to work I slept off the mountain of ribs and bottle of tequila(remember, I worked on Saturday) Tuesday, I liked to call in sick, to shop for more ribs, beer and tequila work a few days and so on ~ my routine.

Vice or habit:
1. People watch..... Repeated trips to the beach wearing shades a gold chain and a white plum smuggler.
2. Coffee............................................................. $5 bucks a pop twice a day to the tune of $100 a week.
3. Getting your ears waxed  .................    Just do it! The azalea bush growing there scares little children.
4. Walking the dog    ...................................................................     Some people know what this means.
5. Gardening ......................................................................................... When does it become ridiculous?
6. Video Games Interactive TV and internet ........................................................... You know this one.
7. Philippine massage....................................................................................................
8. Psychotherapy ............................ Therapy for psychos? Who would have thought? How Progressive.
9. Tanning salons................................. For that leathery all over body. Kinda of gives me Chicken skin.
10. Reading Smoothstar...................................... I don't start my day without it. Vice, Routine, or habit?

What do you really need?

When traveling off to Afghanistan, Beirut, Burma, Croatia, Somalia, and places I have been employed in my extra curricular endeavors, I am often amazed to see the proliferation of stuff... Rococo, tchotchkes, shiny useless bobble heads, everything from taxidermy aardvarks and armadillos, Bamboo Back scratchers and bright beautiful beads beads to zebra saddles made in Zanzibar. These for the most part are things you do not need unless of course you are friends with Hayden Panettiere  and would like to saddle up her zebra. The really good stuff is rare but cheap copies are being mass produced in China as I write this. You name it, they are making it in China.

Many years ago while undercover posing as aluminum siding salesman, Al Kaida, and secretly looking for the remains of Ben Laden after a daisy cutter run in the mountains outside of Kabul, I looked inside of a cave that was in a terrible state of disarray. There scattered all over the cave floor I saw all variety of junk. There was a vintage Kalashiakov model 47 with wooden stocks, an index finger hanging off the trigger. I pocketed the finger to have rubber copies made for novelties and tossed the place. There was a George Bush Bobble head doll, a slinky, and sitting next to a claymore anti-personnel mine was a little rubber Pokey doll... Made in China.

Multitasking

Of all of the catchy buzz words that get bandied about "Multitasking" takes the prize for saying a complicated thing in an ununderstandable(mutipurpose compound word for illustraiveistic reasonabilities) manner. Ah, but multitasking, something that your mother always had to do, is in vogue.

   The mmwait,gearupforitbecauseit'sallgoingtohitallatoncemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmore you do, the more you get done, unless you get overwhelmed and burn the casserole and leave the peroxide in your hair too long and the garden hose if floating away all of the myriad of pricey hybrid iris, gladiola, tulip and clammitia bulbs you just planted early this morning in the nice loose expensive loamy soil you bought down at the garden center for twenty bucks a cubic foot but at least the baby is quiet, but you can't find your keys because you were talking on your cellphone when you pushed the garage door opener button and drove in, got out of your car and the baby was crying so you jingled the shiny keys and the baby stopped crying snatching the keys out of your hand.

   You do it all by rote, push the garage door opener, don't even need to think about it, lock the car,  lock the unlocked kitchen door after you walk in with an armload of perishable groceries, put the casserole in get on the gloves and put the step one of your hair color in, load the washer, feed the cat, You did the early morning chores in your garden but you left the garden hose on dropped off the baby at infant care went to work for nine hours running errands during lunch picking up the dry cleaning locked the baby in the car with the keys in her hand locked yourself out of the house when the door from the kitchen to the garage slammed behind you. You smell the burning casserole or is that your hair?  You're locked in your garage because the button for the overhead door is inside. Your husband will be home soon but you can't call him because your cell phone is on the kitchen table. You just want to cry, right?

Has multitasking ever had the effect that the more you tried to do at the same time the less you got done... Well?

The Recession that didn’t have to be.

We have 9% unemployment.

That means 91% of the people still have jobs.

Most of them are making the same amount as they always did.

The recession is caused by the 9% unemployed not buying anything but also by a large degree of the 91% stopped buying also. These 91% hear recession and they act like sheep and think they also need to stop spending.

Maybe their 401K’s took a hit, but the best thing they could do for that is to start spending again.  If I was the President I would encourage these people to simply start spending again.

If they did, the Great Recession would be over.

They could end it today.

Bachelor tips

     Maximize your health, good looks and comfort and minimize the time spent cleaning your house, doing your laundry, doing the dishes and washing your truck.

House cleaning 101

     First, hack off a huge piece of time by simply dropping your standards. You don’t need the daily routine of Beaver Cleavers’ mom at all if you don’t have anyone come visit you. So get rid of your friends or just don’t invite them over. Of course some will invite themselves but a good trick is get rid of all of your chairs except for the one for yourself. They will soon get tired of standing around and leave and not come back. Your chair should have wheels on it so you can roll it around to wherever you feel like sitting.

     You need to keep your kitchen fairly clean on a regular basis or you will get mold and bugs and disease and this will interfere with your good health. I have found the best way to keep up with the dirty dishes is to throw them all away except for one of each thing.

This way you are never confronted with a sink full of dirty dishes. Doing the dishes with only one plate and one fork and one knife is a snap.

     Next, keep your toilet clean about once a week. Simply pour in about a quart of bleach and swirl this all around with the toilet brush inside and out. Next fill up cups of hot water and splash it directly on the toilet. Then mop the floor. You’re done for the week.

     Next, laundry. Do all your socks and underwear at once. Buy all matching socks so you don’t have to sort them. When they come out of the washer dump them on a flat wire shelf so they will dry. When they are dry, grab them all up together and toss them into wherever you keep that sort of stuff. No need to separate and match anything, no need to hang each individual item on a clothes line or waste money with a dryer.

     Finally, once or twice a year get the push broom, a flat shovel and a big trash can out of the garage and sweep out your house. Of course you know, carpets have no place in a professional bachelors house.

     Don’t forget to wash the truck once a week. Walk around it and spray water on it, starting at the top and working your way down to the wheels. If it takes more than 3 minutes you are doing it wrong.

     Next, reward yourself with a 12 pack of beer, drink it all and then take a nap.

Institute of Beleza

The lifestyle blogger known to me as the duck in my younger days and now the man we all look to for style and diversity, who has brought us everything from marital advice to recipes is winging his way to some secluded island or mobbed beach resort to apply generous slobberings of sun-block on his all too white skin then bask in the sun in that far away place. Beleza.

What is Beleza? Beauty, elegance, satisfaction, tranquility, delicious. On one of my first trips here to Rio I was language challenged, Yeah, I didn't study my little book or listen to the tapes. I knew the basics and figured nobody would want to yak with me anyway, stupid Americano. Hey, I was wrong. Brasillians love Americanos, Gringos... and our culture and carry on at length about Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, George Bush, and Jack Daniels. When the locals hit the buzz words like Kim Kardashian, not understanding anything but, I responded with "BELEZA!" and soon had an unusual banter with many whom I encountered at various get togethers. Institutes of Beleza are springing up all over Brasil. I pass them as I Drive toward the far flung beaches. Learn to appreciate the good life.

So these two Texans are talking:
"Y R M all just sittin there?"
"M R ducks."
"No M arnt."
"C M wangs?"
"O... M R ducks."

Substitute Bloggers .......Start Your Engines

Dear Substitute Bloggers
                    I am now on vacation. Thank you for agreeing to jump into the breech for me. We are hoping to hear from many perspectives this coming week. We have a downtown gal, a farflung foreign correspondent, a west coast inventor and bon vivant, I believe we may have a Saratogian. It could be anything. I am certain the quality of this week's postings can only be an improvement and I very much look forward to reading them on my return.
      Send me your mailing addresses and I will see that you get your socks.
                        Best wishes
                                          Smoothstar

Hollywood's Best Kept Bar-Be-Cue Secrets

    I was hanging out recently with some of my A-list movie star friends. Meryl was pitching some ideas to me while forking marinated baby back ribs on to the old "Little Smokey". She had this idea about this fancy lady with lots of dough, living in the Berkshires, who befreinds this broke down old carpenter that's doing a job for her and she takes him to the opera and gets him a decent haircut and one of those nice Hugo Boss suits. She teaches him nice manners, like in My Fair Lady, and gets him to quit telling these crude and pointless stories, peppered with multi-syllabic swear words.
   I asked what sort of marinade she liked. She gave me the recipe.

2 Tblsp olive oil                                     Saute' the onion, add the minced garlic, but don't fry the piss out
1 vidalia onion, chopped very fine          of it( her words , not mine),deglaze the pan with the beer. Add
3 cloves minced garlic                            ketchup, whatsthishere sauce and rest of the beer.Bring to a boil.
big squirt of ketchup                               Soak your ribs for twenty minutes or so and keep basting with
hefty shot of worchetshire sauce             your secret sauce. Slow cook 'em, don't incinerate 'em.
can of beer                                            (her words)

The Captain and the Crew

   " For the captain it's a swell boat. For the crew it's a hell boat." That was an inscription scrawled in the pilot house of a head boat down in the Gulf.  We were fishing for reds and the water was dead flat and the sun blasted down. Most of the customers were drunk or hungover and surly. The fishing was slow. The crew tried to remain positive but I thought they might gut a few of these rednecks and heave 'em overboard.
    If I have learned anything over the years, it is to lower my expectations. Certain activities such as fishing and gambling, attending the theater, reallly just about everything, cooking, gardening, golf, the list is endless, are fraught with danger and promise mixed results, if not out right disaster. If you make it through dinner without being poisoned, aren't you really a winner?
    So as you are hacking your way through a dismal round of golf, be of good cheer brothers and sisters, it's golf , it's not plumbing.

What To Do With All That Money

     The day has finally arrived. You have hit the jackpot! You knew it would happen sooner or later.You have gotten into a jackpot before; that's different. Now, let's say, you are stinking, filthy rich. Good job. Now what?
   Today, lets have a quick look at wealth management. If you have signed with an NHL team, buy an Italian suit and get a good haircut. There's all the nuts and bolts of big money, like stock portfolios and tax shelters and off shore accounts. That's sorta like work.
    If you have sold your novels to Hollywood, buy a Ferrari and a mansion in Beverly Hills. If your blog gets turned into a long running TV show, I'll be buying a couple of my neighbor's houses and a buldozer, just for a little breathing room.
     Once the dust settles, and you get used to your new found riches, making your monster movie might be in order.    

Just The Facts M'am.

   Our friends, Stephanie and Katie (not their real names) are our sources for amazing facts. With completely straight faces,"out of nowhere, appropos of nothing" as the song goes, they blurt out these most amazing facts. You're at a dinner party making small talk. "Caraway seeds are good for your prostate."
   "Really, Stepahanie?  I didn't know that."
    Or how about this one. "Rats can smell cancer." I didn't catch the part where we were talking about rats, caraway seeds, prostates or cancer.
    " Giant pumpkins can gain fifty pounds over night. They can explode."
    Often when you have the time to look into these amazing statements they turn out to be true. You can use the Internet to find out a lot of stuff.  Make sure you are using trusted sources, like this blog here, when checking your facts. Most, but not all , of what you read on the Internet is true.

Taking Up A Collection

   What's it going to be? Comic books, stamps, coins, guns, fire engines, boulders? Most everybody, sooner or later, starts to be a collector of some thing. It brings order they say. It starts out with one of something, I guess.
     The first record album I ever bought was Disreli Gears by Cream. I bought it at Alexanders in Manhattan. My brother bought Jimi Hendrix Smash Hits the same day. We had 45s, and my brother already had Beatles records and I listened to my dad's Clancy Brothers and Kingston Trio. These were the first real rock. I have strayed from the rock over the years. I have thousands of records. Jazz ,blues, country, on and on. All genres.  I'm not hardcore. I don't know what Chet Baker had for lunch the day he recorded My Funny Valentine.
     When you start to have records you haven't listened to or guns you haven't fired, you have become a collector. I have to try out that riot gun I bought a few years back. I think I'll use it on a Seals and Croft album.

How to dig a hole with a back hoe and the three best hotels in Monte Carlo.

   We have a lot to cover this morning. There are some controls in the cab that make the machine move forward and reverse and other controls that move the arm and other controls that make the bucket do that scooping , digging sort of motion. Although I've never been in the cab of a back hoe, I prefer the track mounted type because the cab swings around and you can dig around three hundred and sixty five degrees.  You could dig a circular trench with you in the machine in the middle. Then you go get your crane and pluck the hoe off the plateau in the middle. Then you call the cement company and fill the bottom of the trench with concrete. Once that hardens you can start building a tower. I know a guy that can make concrete blocks, so that you can lay up curved walls.
  Tommorrow: How to lay concrete block.
   The three best hotels in MC (as we call it ). The Red Roof . The Holiday, and my fave, The Ritz, baby.

What's The Big Deal?

     Another saturday, another saturday of yardsaleing. What do you need? A baby monitor? A nine iron? A sport coat?  A sword? A sombrero? A helmet? An exquisite oil painting. No, you probably don't  "need " anything, but without a meat grinder, making sausage is almost impossible.
    This will be my second week looking for a pitching wedge and a new nine iron. Two weekends ago I passed on a nice, whole set of irons and a golf bag for twenty bucks. I wasn't sure I was going back to golfing in earnest because my arm was so sore from going golfing that morning. The ground was hard and my swing was, let's say, "inaccurate".
  This brings us to that sorry state called yard sale regret. Why didn't I buy that trombone? Not one week later a buddy tells  me he's taking it up. A trombone, sixty bucks. I offer forty and ask him to throw in a pair of binoculars. I was so greedy. I was so stupid. Oh, woe is me!  Why didn't I just give him the sixty bucks?

Preparing For Your Busy Day

   You know tommorrow's gonna be a tough one. You have scheduled enough work and fun for three people. What is the best way to prepare for these monsters we sometimes get ourselves into? You know the sort. They can  start at the crack of dawn with kid stuff or running dates or something and end at 2 am driving back from somewhere with the Red Bull jitters.
    Proper prepartion is the key. If you try to get to bed early, you'll only wake up in the middle of the night ; wide awake and filled with dread. This is where our old friend TV comes in.  It's best to stay up extra late watching TV, when tommorrow may very well kill you. "Why's that Smoothstar?" you might ask. TV is better than sleeping. The wash of alpha waves through your mind soothes and stimulates. Hour after hour of cartoons or any old rubbish will do. When you finally doze off at twoish you will already have a headstart. Your mind will be blank and trouble free.
   Rise and shine.

Do it yourself? Is it time to hire a professional?

     The real Smoothstar will be enjoying a much deserved week long beach retreat in the month of August.  I like others wanted to write some entries here for the promise of some fine quality tube socks knowing with six to eight weeks wait for delivery they would arrive just in time for the first winter snows.

     It is good to get paid for your efforts, but at home when you look at the insurmountable task of jackhammering out a floor and the mental stresses it puts on your loved ones. You start to think, HEY, I'm not getting paid for this, I don't have a permit, and do I really know how to modify the back hall and make it into a bathroom? So you tear into the project anyway, yeah you do, because you are that kind of a guy. and somewhere around mid day... The noise of the jackhammer is making you crazy, so you go down into the basement to play your drums. You have a little crik in your neck so you smoke a little and have a beer or six, but the whiskey bottle is calling you, and then... The door opens and your wife sees the mess, NO, not the debris in the back hall and the dust all over everything in her clean kitchen...YOU!

    A first class professional licensed contractor like Smoothstar right from the start, might just save you money and with Smoothstar you also get a first class tile job. Grief counselors, and psychiatric professionals as your own project progresses might cost you twice what you would have paid to get it done right. All you really get from the shrink is a little brown bottle of prescription medication. Well either way you go, it's a lot cheaper than a divorce attorney.        

Housekeeping Basics

   We are always striving towards gracious living. My motto: "A clean home is it's own reward."  Even if you live alone and entertain infrequently, that is no reason to live in squalor. If you have a domestic partner or live in a family setting, housekeping becomes even more important. We have discussed hiring staff for certain chores, but many of us who cherish our privacy prefer to do our own housework, no matter how rarely.
   If you have been working on your car or doing stuff like demolition, drywall, stone masonry or just gardening, walking in your front door will make a mess. Fellas can urinate out back of the garage but you ladies still have to come inside. Just taking the time to remove your boots can make a world of difference.
  I know I've said some of this stuff before:
1. Throw out the old magazines.
2.Do the re-cycling.(Saving beer cans is not an investment strategy)
3.Do the dishes or use paper plates.
4. Just because you cleaned the toilet , don't mean it's time to move out.
    Don't get a puss on just because you have to spend an hour a month cleaning up. Just do it.

Play The Bass. Be Most Popular.

   The joke goes. The music teacher asks the kid why he didn't show up for his second bass lesson. The kid sez, "I had a gig that night." Playing the bass is cool, especially through a gigundous amp, with a couple of jacked up yahoos in a power trio.
   When I was a stay at home dad, I spent many golden hours playing the stand up bass. I would wear a fez and put on beep bop jazz records and play along, while the kids ransacked the house. If you are considering trying this yourself, don't forget to saute' the onions right before your wife or husband gets home from work.
    A guy gave me some good bass advice once. He said, "Quit breathin' all over it, man." Then he fired me.
   My favorite bass player is Ray Brown. He was Oscar Petersen's bass player and played with all the greats.

Gambling is Usually Fun

  The song goes" A man should never gamble , more than he can afford to lose." We used to play poker most every wednesday night. Whomever won had to buy drinks at the bar for the losers. We engaged  a uke player to entertain while we played. It was friendly. One of our regulars brought a friend who thought he could go easy on the booze, win a bunch of hands and go home. "Not so fast there, Johnny."
   Here's Smoothstar's Rules (sorta like Hoyle only different)
1. Never gamble when the suns out.
2.Don't start giggling when you have a good hand.
3.Don't guzzle that crummy liquor they serve free in casinos.
4.Do pay for your hotel before you go to the casino.
5. Just because a football team hasn't lost in months doesn't mean it won't.
    
* dog racing tips
1. The biggest dog doesn't always win.
2. Bet a dog that pees right before a race, but not everytime.

Follow these simple rules and your next trip to the track, poker table or casino will be a success. As always, good luck. You're gonna need it.

The Man. The Plan. The Tan.

         Our mayor has a hand shake that I have heard refered to as a full meal. He also sports a tan the would be the envy of any New Jersey beach girl. The tan has gotten bad press these last few decades. Like global warming, the tan has benefited from fuzzy science and screaming rhetoric. Lay in the sun for a half an hour and tell me there's plenty of ozone layer or whatever keeps us from being incinerated. The sun is hot hot and has got hotter. You might as well slather yourself in barbeque sauce when you're sunbathing.
    When I was a lad tomato plants didn't grow to seven feet tall. They do now. Corn didn't used to be fifteen feet tall. It is now. That sun blasts down "like a heat lamp gone ape" as the saying goes. The hot sun is nice for solar heating. Stuff grows pretty good. I still work with my shirt off because it is so gosh darn hot. My skin looks like old luggage. Stay out of the sun kids.

Applying for Asylum in the Suburbs

   My neighbor, who's street name was "The Swan",  had a very active social life. Many of his guests drove what were known as "Boom Cars". His friends  would stop by to say helllo and stay five minutes. The swan had fifty or sixty such visitors most everynight. The windows would rattle in our basement apartment.
    I had neighbors who lived above me who had a neat hobby; It was lifting their furniture up over their heads and then dropping it.
    We used to "shark for parking." Like the shark that never sleeps, we would cruise endlessly , looking for someone to leave a parking spot, so we could finally come to rest.
    The reason I am telling you this is because, a few years back I wished to move to suburbia to relieve our suffering from urban blight. We had to present a case of our "Urban Indignities" when we applied to live in the buccolic suburb where we now reside. The tribunal that heard our case granted us suburban asylum. The kicker was the four "boots'' that I had received for unpaid parking tickets and the throbbing vein in my neck.
     So if you finally get  fed up with living downtown and apply for asylum in the burbs, don't leave out the gory details when presenting your case.
   Be mindful  that initially you will find it hard to sleep in a neighborhood without people screaming and car horns honking half the the night.

Due De Day

 What chew wanna due de day? Due de day? Due de day?  This is an old family routine.
    The day yawns out ahead of you like a Texas highway. You have no plan. You have made no arrangements. This is not a bad thing. Anything is possible. You are up early and, being full grown, can stay up as late as you want. There is only the law or your fear of the law that might limit your options. Most illegal stuff, you don't want to do anyway. Most likely, no, you can't have a pony. If you could have a pony ,you probably already do. Go ride it. Somethings may take longer than a day . That's not say you couldn't start something. (like making a monster movie or going into outerspace)
   We had a saying at a boatyard where I used to work. "Oh bliss, oh joy, another day in which to excell." It was just a wisecrack, as we were probably going to spend the next ten hours grinding fiberglass. By a merciful god, I won't have to do that again, but it's a good motto.
   If you find your self flagging later today, take a short nap and start fresh. Buena suerte.(good luck)
 

A Can of Corn

There was a fella named, "The Baron". He was a rabid hockey fan; Year after year, a season ticket holder to the Glens Falls Red Wings. All winter, up and down the I-87, night after night.
I was sitting next to him, fairly early in my own hockey fandom and there is a goal blasted in, at which time The Baron says, "Ooo baby, in there like a can of corn." I couldn't guess what that meant. (I wasn't sure about the difference between boarding and charging. I'm still not.)
It seems you baseball fans will know that a can of corn is an easily caught fly ball. In the old days, a grocery clerk would use a hooked stick to pull a can off a high shelf to give to a customer; Catching it wasn't that tough. I wonder what they'd call it if the clerk beat you with that stick for being rude.

Should You Be a Detective?

Do you have a suspicious nature and tend not to believe anything anyone tells you? Are your powers of observation keen? Do you have a taste for the sordid and secretly almost enjoy seeing people at their absolute worst? Can you hold your liqour? Do you like late hours? Do you look good in rumpled attire and are you handy with a gun?
You are probably answering yes, yes and yes. You could have a future as either a re-modeling contractor or a private eye. There are opportunities galore in both fields. Take out an add in your local paper or yellow pages or set up a website and get busy. You'll be riding around with a ladder tied to the roof of your car peering in motel windows or doing minor repairs by the end of the week. Good luck, and let me know how it works out.

Rockhard Abs in Seven days, or Less

Years ago I went to see a performance by a gentleman who billed himself as Houdini Re-Incarnated. Who could resist? He could get out of a straight jacket and his grand finale was the hanging upside down in a tank of water, getting out of handcuffs and other chains and things.
The opening act was a guy named Mr. Fingers. A little seedy, of an indeterminant age. He did a few card tricks and a few slight of hand gags. After the show we invite Mr F. to a party and, to our surprise, he attends. Politely, I ask him to do a trick. He removes a long hat pin from inside his sporty coat. He removes his jacket and rolls up his sleeve. He shoves it straight through his arm. No trick, he just does it. Garrr!
I say "Golly Mister Fingers , you're the coolest guy I've ever met". And he was.

Spectator Sports

Some sports are fun to do. Others are fun to watch. Some are both . Some are neither. Who would want to watch a guy in a row boat, perch fishing? You might argue ,and persuasively ,that perch fishing isn't a sport. Ice fishing for perch? Watch a guy drilling a hole ,then staring in a hole. Not for everyone. Doing or watching.
I like dog racing, because I have a certain interest in gambling, which to my mind makes watching any sport a little more interesting. I always thought wagering on kid sports, like soccer or t-ball, might be a good fund raising scheme.
Some cheap entertainment
1. Dirt Track Stock Car Racing
2. Local, dinky college hoop or baseball
3. Minor league Hockey or Baseball
4. Hanging out at a boat launch (Yelling, arm waving)

Think smart when you get stupid.

Last night we went to see a battle of the bands in a little bar in Rio de Janeiro. The drummer for The Tree is a young family friend I have known since he was a baby. Okay here is where you think smart, TAKE A TAXICAB. Sure they said they were going on at 7:30, but the obnoxious sound check goes on until nine and it is always nice to see Guinness Stout in Brasil so after chasing that down with a galvanized bucket of longnecks the "Guerra das Bandas"(war of the bands) begins.

The bar was dark. The tables were sticky. The place looked like it was copied off a picture of a biker bar in the U.S. of A., like home. The young people who came out to see the original music played by their friends looked as fresh as the harsh raunch rock sounded. Our friend Joao Joannou, the drummer with The Tree was Awesome pounding the daylights out of the tubs with long hard strokes to the snare and crisp cymbal smashes. We survived the show, me with a huge smile all night long, and the taxicab... It was like a magic carpet ride home.